Hurt at being the afterthought again, or am I over sensitive?

[NameChanged4444444]

Adult son (25yrs) lives about 5 minutes drive away with his lovely, long term GF. He lived with me while at uni and all through covid, but spent most of his time in his room or round at hers, including eating and spending most nights there. (not in lockdowns!) I'm single so it was just me and him.
He is perfectly friendly and chatty when I do see him/them but I feel I am always put second to GF's parents, who live about 2 minutes walk away from me.

egs. the last few Xmases; he wants to come here for Xmas lunch but it has to be at a time to suit him going to visit GF's extended family, and there is no way that she would come to me instead of being with her family. He now just visits in the morning. Or, they have Sunday lunch with her parents most weeks, or, he will tell me all about how he helped her parents do decorating or gardening, and he goes shopping and does odd jobs for GF's grandma. I can't remember the last time he helped me out even though I am doing lots of decorating and sorting in order to sell the family home. They also go on a lot of weekends away, often abroad, but I never hear about anything until maybe weeks later. We often go to the same parkrun but he will never they'll be there if I text him, and I might see them on the day but I just get a wave and a 'see ya' afterwards.

I have been accused of being unwelcoming to the GF because I once, about 5 years ago when they'd only been together for a few months, asked if he could come and have a meal with me and his older brother who was visiting from Uni without her. I just felt I never saw him without her. (And she is lovely and I like her a lot, but I just want to see my two boys alone sometimes!)

Occasionally we meet for a coffee out somewhere, or he/they will come here to pick up post but rarely stays for a coffee and a chat. Any invitiations on my part to come for tea are met with 'yeah, I'll be in touch' type responses.

The latest, which has prompted this post was getting a text at 10:30 last night asking if I was free today. I replied, 'probably, why?' (I had a loose arrangement to maybe go for a walk with a friend) Then this afternoon at 5:30 I got a repsonse from him 'I was going to see if you wanted to meet for a coffee but it doesn't matter now'. Was I in the wrong for not contacting him this morning and arranging my day around them?

AIBU to feel hurt that yet again I am just an afterthought? Should I be making more effort to be part of their lives even though I just get the brush off most of the time?

To be honest, if a young man was NOT prioritising his partner over his mother, I'd be very, very worried.
And he lives locally to you, OP, so you see him often. Most people's adult kids live a couple of hundred miles away.

That’s a great post, @CulturalNomad

It's shit OP. My sibling is the same with our mum. Just keep plugging away, and if the GF can't get over you wanting one meal with your sons 5 years ago when they barely knew each other - that's a her problem.

Having said that - it may cause grandparent problems for you. So you probably need your DS help to fix this.

I meant to tag @alfagirl73 though @CulturalNomad is also wise.

@Brefugee I don’t think there’s any evidence that the GF is holding a grudge from 5 years ago, unless the DS is still bringing that up. I do think it’s quite reasonable of her to arrange things with her family and leave his family to him, which may be what is happening

I am not worried that he is prioritising his GF over me, and I too would be worried if he was.

I see him in person maybe a couple of times a month. The fact that other people's children don't live locally is not relevant to my situation.

@SheilaFentiman the grudge, she seemed to think, was coming from the GF, not the other way round

and i agree that it is very likely that GF is their "Events Coordinator" and that DS cba to visit his mum because that requires effort. Who knows.

Some people (often men although some women) are not good at organising social stuff.

In the past many wives and some girlfriends would be the social secretary for the couple and would keep relationships going both with their family and their partner's family.

I think this is much less common now and recently I've seen a lot of "you deal with your family and he deals with his".

Sounds like she isn't interested for whatever reason in maintaining the relationship with you (and as a girlfriend and with no kids there's no real reason why she should) and he is probably agreeing with her plans.

So... it's on him really. I was married to someone like that for twenty years; he could easily go two or three months between phoning his parents and left to himself visited about once every three years.

To be fair they weren't hospitable when we did visit.

I suspect that there's a bit of "they're your family you organise it" combined with he can't be bothered plus the gf's family are obviously very welcoming.

You're going to need to put in a lot of effort if you want a relationship because I doubt they will spontaneously change. Is there something they are interested in that you could do together? Coffee and chat is pretty boring,

You refer to him as one of your 'boys', he is a fully grown man! You're expecting him to be company for you but he is rightly putting his partner (after 5 years she's not just a gf!)first. Maybe make your own life more interesting with more going on and less dependence on him for your happiness and it may become more enjoyable for him to see you. If you're doing the 'slightly disappointed and somewhat hurt' vibe each time you see him he'll see it as too much of a chore and go for the easier and less emotionally charged option.

Does his mum want to see him? He sounds selfish.

I don't believe that she is holding a grudge; she is never anything but friendly and chatty when we meet, and I am the same with her.

A few people seem to think that it is the GF that is stopping DS from contacting me - it really isn't!

I think this is just a continuation of the relationship that I have with my son and what I feel is his attitude to me - he was quite happy lodging here rent free while he did his degree but I'm not interesting/nice enough that he would spend an evening just hanging out with me, he would be on his Xbox with his mates or round at his GF's (forgot to say, she was still living at home then) or if she came here they would eat and then disappear off up to his room.
I just feel like I'm an ex-landlady that he still has the odd coffee with and sends birthday and Christmas cards to.

is everyone missing the point that he almost never sees his own mum? at the least he's being a mean shit to the woman who he lived with for years and brought him up.

At best OP needs to learn to communicate better. In her shoes I'd start with Parkrun and message in the week "let's go for a drink after Parkrun" and suggest a place and time for that. Keep doing stuff like this. Not every week, but at least once a month, and then see what it looks like after a while.

Because it just looks like a lazy bloke who just goes along with whatever the main woman in his life does. And fuck his ol' mum.

write your will leaving everything to your other son and the local cat's home Leave it lying around
see if he says anything...

(joke, but I'd be tempted)

“is everyone missing the point that he almost never sees his own mum?”

A couple of times a month isn’t almost never, @Brefugee

Weirdly enough, living so close can sometimes mean seeing someone less. If you are two hours plus away and have an overnight stay when you visit, then maybe it’s 4 times a year that you go but it’s solid time when you do - 36-48h, Sunday lunch, a nice walk, whatever

Sometimes when people are nearby, an hour here and half an hour there is “natural” but doesn’t actually add up to loads.

I suppose her family are just more interesting than I am.

It seems like you're taking it very personally.

Do you think you need more interesting things in your life?...for you I mean, not to entice them.

When was the last time you went away for a weekend?

I am fully aware that he is an independent adult! You do know that 'boys' is quite often used to refer to adult males? My dad used to call me and my ex-partner 'kids' when we were both well into our 30s and had children of our own.

I am not expecting him or his brother to be responsible for my happiness and I have always said directly to them that they mustn't feel obliged to live nearby or not do what they want because of me. (Oh god, now I'm going to get slated for pushing them away and implying I don't like them, or something) I do have stuff going on in my life and I don't give off a disappointed vibe when I see him.

What was your relationship like with your parents @NameChanged4444444? Did your sons see you visiting them often? I always wonder how much of it is learnt behaviour as I see my parents about as often as my parents saw theirs.

I see my own parents for about 2 days a month plus occasions like birthdays, mother’s/father’s day, Christmas/Easter. But we aren’t local. That’s about the same as my parents did when I was little.

@AlltheFs Once I went off to Uni I never lived locally to my parents but used to keep in touch with phone calls a couple of times a week and we used to send letters/postcard every so often. This was pre-internet and mobile phone days. Once I had children I used to see my folks every couple of weeks I suppose - either we'd visit them for a weekend or a few days, or we lived near enough that they could come for a day visit.

We have a similar family dynamic, where my sibling is like this with my mum ( but not a boy /man issue in our case!) . Sadly Mum has started trying to care less as she feels so hurt and let down over a few big family events. Really seems like the partner's family are always the priority and are so much more interesting and exciting. My sibling lives abroad so the relationship has become quite distant.

Interesting- it does sound like what you get from your sons now is pretty similar in the modern sense to the contact you had with your own parents (pre-kids) at the same age.

I do think it’s not unusual for it to drift a bit in the years between uni and when they have their own kids/or are in that ballpark.

Yes definitely don't word it this way. My mum does this and it's horrid because the honest answer is my DH doesn't want to but I can't tell her that!

So you did see your folks when you had children every couple of weeks. But before that you only sent letters or called them. Surely you could have made the effort to go and see your parents and stay with them every couple of months pre children. Did you move closer. Or did you only start making the effort when you had children.

It’s also possible your DS doesn’t want to spend as much time as he does with his “in laws” but his GF does so it is a compromise!

I have boys ,it's already going the same way ,and I was a great mum ,really positive and chilled and ,yeah it sucks

In my experience, which isn't by any means extensive, men are passive when it comes to communicating with the family and much prefer a female partner to come along and make plans for them. They then just fall in with that and assume it's fine.

My dad did it when he moved in with his new partner, he much prefers just letting her plan everything, which is why we haven't spent a Christmas with him since 2011. If I asked them to come to us all hell would break loose. I know because I've tried. Her family do it their way and he just prefers not to make waves, even if it means sacrificing how close he is to his biological children.

And in many ways this could be your son. If his girlfriend and her family have set traditions he will probably just be falling in with them. He probably doesn't realise how enmeshed he is. He loves you but because you and he don't have rigid traditions you're the one that gets the dregs.

The answer is, honestly I don't know.