Adult children and visits home to see older family

[saphiro]

How often do your adult kids come home to visit? We are having trouble getting our daughter to understand that she needs to come home every few months to see family.

All of her grandparents are 85+ and love to see her. Fortunately they are all relatively fit and healthy and still enjoying life with trips overseas etc.

Dd says she dislikes coming home because the area is a shit hole. We live in a poor ex-mining village in northumbria. Dd lives in London and is doing very well for herself.

She comes every three months or so for a night or two and then comes back for a few days at Christmas. Otherwise she uses her annual leave to go on holidays or to see friends.

How do we get her to understand that her family want to see her and won’t be around forever? She thinks that her grandparents could come and visit her for a night or two.

I’m with your daughter - if her grandparents can travel overseas, why can’t they travel to London? Why do you want to tether her to where she grew up? She’s flown the nest,
, she has her own life she’ll visit when she wants to - do you visit her?

I don’t think adult children are obliged to visit. Once every 3 months and a Christmas visit sounds like plenty.

You can’t make her want to visit. It’s a shame for the older people, and DD might regret it when they are gone, or she might not. I always felt duty bound to visit, my siblings didn’t. My siblings also didn’t regret not visiting once grandparents died. Not everyone feels as you do.

There is nothing for your daughter to understand! She doesn't need to do anything!

I don't think that sounds too little tbh. Mine do come more regularly but they live close by. I rarely see them when they are on AL though as they have plans or holidays booked. I think if GP's able to travel they could visit your dd in London if they wanted to see her as much as they say.

Every three months is fairly regularly. Really think that is pretty good.

She is visiting every three months? Exactly what are your expectations? That's four times plus Xmas a year.

Why is the onus on your daughter to do all the work?

She's busy working and living her life. If the grandparents can travel overseas they can certainly go and see her in their own time -as can you.

Of course she is going to used her limited Annual leave to go on holiday - that's what it's for.

Those who want something to happen should make it happen themselves, not coerce others into doing it for them.

Everything about this post is about you & what you want.

This was me - family in the NW & I moved to London for work (with a long commute each day & long work hours). My family thought that the onus was on me to do all the travelling to see them.

Your daughter comes home every 3 months - that’s more than adequate. Her life has moved on and your home is no longer hers.

Your DD is an adult - you don’t ‘get our daughter to understand’ - you don’t have an adult / child relationship now.

You can visit her (if your own parents are in their 80’s, there’s no reason why YOU can’t travel). If your own parents are travelling overseas they can get on a train.

My London based DD is the same, as was I at that age.
I'm pleased she's living life to the full.

In the kindest way, your DD doesn't 'need' to do anything. Pushing at her to visit all the time will end up resulting in less visits, not more.

Life is busy once you move out and are working and annual leave is very limited really. I wouldn't want to spend all of mine trekking up the country to visit family who are all well enough that they could equally do the journey to visit me.

It works both ways. My adult dcs are nearer, only an hour and a half, and we alternate between going to see them and then coming here. However when I moved to London and my parents were in the North, it was every few months like your dd. It's exhausting working all week then trying to get out of London on a Friday night and travelling back on a Sunday when the trains are invariably in disarray. She's an independent young woman, be satisfied with that.

This. I thought you were going to say she came once or twice a year!

But London is so stressful. I wouldn’t want my parents going on the tube or being pushed around on a busy pavement

Then... they can get a taxi? Or not travel in rush hour? Why can they deal with airports but not the tube?

Yabvu

why should your DD waste annual leave to go to a ‘shithole’? You’re lucky she’s coming home every 3 months to be honest. I agree if the family are able to cope with airports then they can cope with London.

My family have always looked at who has more time (assuming everyone is fit enough to travel). Sounds like your DD has least time so in my view should do least of the travelling! Imagine, put pressure on her and she might take that promotion to New York or Sydney!

Your lucky. I visit my family once a year sometimes every other year.

You need to back off, clearly from your daughter and your parents.

Stop telling them all what you think they can and can’t do and what they should and shouldn’t be doing!

And again it's about what you want.

Op, I get it, but you will end up pushing her away for good with this attitude.

why should she have to come home?
there is no obligation for her
ask her if she wants to come, for a birthday, or a special occasion.
no need to guilt trip her

I’m with your daughter , if the grandparents can’t be bothered going to visit her then why should she do more than she does already which sounds like at least 4 times a year .

It's not stressful... Not do people get pushed around.

Ds has been at uni and will now move quite a distance away. We have all agreed to do midway meet ups so everyone gets a break away and no one has to do a huge distance. I do not think you can expect more than she is doing and you need to make the effort to be part of her life in London.

So she's using her time & money to see you frequently...

I've always been the one expected to travel, it sucks.

And the gps sound sorted, if they want to see her, they can transit through London on their big trips.

Are you jealous?

Yabu.