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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Adult children and visits home to see older family

112 replies

saphiro · 06/05/2024 09:35

How often do your adult kids come home to visit? We are having trouble getting our daughter to understand that she needs to come home every few months to see family.

All of her grandparents are 85+ and love to see her. Fortunately they are all relatively fit and healthy and still enjoying life with trips overseas etc.

Dd says she dislikes coming home because the area is a shit hole. We live in a poor ex-mining village in northumbria. Dd lives in London and is doing very well for herself.

She comes every three months or so for a night or two and then comes back for a few days at Christmas. Otherwise she uses her annual leave to go on holidays or to see friends.

How do we get her to understand that her family want to see her and won’t be around forever? She thinks that her grandparents could come and visit her for a night or two.

OP posts:
Coffeegincarbs · 06/05/2024 11:01

Our DC move around with their work, as we both did back in the day. We went "home" every 3 months and wrote letters/cards (remember them?!) DMIL was 3hrs away, DPs 2hrs.
Contact is much easier nowadays. If you see your DPs regularly can you pop round to your DPs and set up videocalls with her once in a while? We have regular sunday teatime calls with ours, and mssg inbetween so we continue to feel close.

persisted · 06/05/2024 11:01

I don't understand your question. You want her to come every few months to see them, and she does, every three months. Which is far more than I ever saw mine before I left home, let alone after.

What would you consider enough? Every 2 months, every 6 weeks? I know that if you go on about it the chances are it'll be less often.

MacavitytheMystery · 06/05/2024 11:06

I’m quite shocked at your post. Your daughter doesn’t need to come home to visit her grandparents . She’s coming back three times a year plus Xmas.
You’re being ridiculous. She’s not a child , she is living her life. You’re lucky she comes back four times a year! That’s actually quite a lot. She won’t even do that if you nag her .

TotalDramarama24 · 06/05/2024 11:15

saphiro · 06/05/2024 10:18

But London is so stressful. I wouldn’t want my parents going on the tube or being pushed around on a busy pavement

London isn't any more stressful than going abroad on holiday. There are some amazing restaurants, museums, theatre shows. They would probably have a fantastic weekend with her.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 06/05/2024 11:19

No obligation for her to come home more, no obligation for them to visit her - just acceptance that they won't see as much of her as they'd like. FWIW- she's visiting enough if she's doing every few months and Xmas - she has holiday limits to consider and, of course, wants to see friends and/or holiday too. Who wouldn't?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 06/05/2024 11:22

Realistically this is the downside of living in an area where there are limited job opportunities - it is inevitable that young people will leave, and when they do they will build lives elsewhere. Your daughter is coming back four times a year, and considering the distance I think that is reasonable.

TTPD · 06/05/2024 11:27

She comes every three months or so for a night or two and then comes back for a few days at Christmas.

That seems plenty - what are you expecting?

But London is so stressful. I wouldn’t want my parents going on the tube or being pushed around on a busy pavement

You wouldn't want your parents on the tube? That's an odd thing to say, surely your opinion on whether they should go on the tube is irrelevant. It's their opinion that matters.

ajandjjmum · 06/05/2024 11:28

Make plans! Arrange a nice meal out or theatre visit for when your DD visits. Do things to ensure that she enjoys her time with you, rather than making it a duty visit. As far as her 'needing' to visit - just not right. She will have grown up with a sense of love - and yes, maybe duty - towards her oldies, or not. And to a large extent, that will be down to her upbringing.

My Dad used to say 'never come to visit me because you feel you have to, come because you want to'.

Rumplemunchkin · 06/05/2024 11:32

I never went home to the shit hole I grew up in, wild horses couldn’t drag me back there. I was always happy to meet elsewhere but going back made me so depressed. We used to meet my parents for weekends away etc.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 06/05/2024 11:36

Well, your daughter isn't coming "home" as her home is now in London. You need to leave her to manage her own relationships with her family, it's not your job to do that any more. She and her grandparents can communicate with each other. They need to make an effort too - but that has nothing to do with you.
As an adult, I visit the people whose company I enjoy and who make me welcome and reciprocate my effort. I think you are making a big mistake in expecting duty visits. If she only visits because you make her feel obliged to, the visits will get fewer and fewer.

NerrSnerr · 06/05/2024 11:38

Every 3 months and Christmas is fine. You can always visit in between. What do her grandparents think? Have they said anything or is it just you thinking what they're thinking?

crockofshite · 06/05/2024 11:38

saphiro · 06/05/2024 10:18

But London is so stressful. I wouldn’t want my parents going on the tube or being pushed around on a busy pavement

Take a door to door taxi

ThisIsMyRubbishUsername · 06/05/2024 11:39

She already doesn’t like her home town, if you push her to visit more she will resent it and hate your town more (and possibly you too).

If the elderly relatives are capable of catching a plane and flying abroad, they are capable of visiting her in London. I would be annoyed if I was your daughter knowing that the grandparents are globetrotters, but can’t be bothered to visit her.

She is visiting you a lot given the limitations of annual leave from work. If you want to see her more, then YOU need to visit her more. The onus shouldn’t all be on her.

Fraggamama · 06/05/2024 11:46

I think visiting parents and other relatives every 3 months is probably pretty standard.
When my sibling and I both moved 100s miles away that's what we did and everyone thought it was fine

Dearg · 06/05/2024 11:46

You sound very much like you want the control. You want your daughter to visit more frequently, you don’t want your parents, who are apparently well traveled , to deal with their own capital city.

Op, you have successfully brought up your DD to be able to fly the nest. Well done! She is demonstrating that she can be an adult, plus she is still visiting several times a year. Seriously, this is a great result!

PermanentTemporary · 06/05/2024 11:55

I would be unhappy if my dc referred to my home town as a shithole - I'd ask them not to do that. But otherwise... she's an adult now. Arrange to go and visit maybe, have some fun together, let her show you around her haunts. And welcome her with acclaim when she does come home. Tbh as and when she has a partner and needs to visit their parents as well... it's probably quite frequent at the moment compared to how it will be. Keep phone calls going and make it clear you enjoy speaking to her and that you all have lives of your own too.

brendaandjim · 06/05/2024 11:58

You're pushing your daughter away with these demands.

I'm assuming you and your parents are retired and thus have plenty of free time.

Your DD probably works 5 days a week with an average of an hour commute at either end of the day. If she goes to the gym or the supermarket or socialises one or two nights a week, that really doesn't leave much time to relax.

I'm sure at the weekend she catches up with friends as well as housework, washing, cooking etc.

If you travelled to see her, you could meet her for lunch and then go to the theatre or a museum or something interesting, rather than expecting her to spend what (very little) free time she has doing a 6 to 8 hour round trip (I'm guessing) which is essentially a full day of travel to see you.

If you wanted to see her more YOU would make it happen. You can't complain that she doesn't like visiting you, when you refuse to visit her 🙄

You could see her twice as much if you visited her the same amount that she comes to you. It's up to you to change this situation as you're the one who is unhappy with it.

Ratisshortforratthew · 06/05/2024 11:59

She comes every 3 months and Christmas, that is frequently! She isn’t obliged to like the place she grew up in - plenty of people don’t and can’t wait to get away especially if there are limited opportunities. It sounds like you’re resentful and possibly jealous of her life. Did you in your youth want to get away and see more of the world but were held back by controlling parents? Now you’re passing that on to her?

caringcarer · 06/05/2024 12:00

HopeOneOfThosePeopleIsAMonkeyBecauseThisIsBanana · 06/05/2024 09:40

You can’t make her want to visit. It’s a shame for the older people, and DD might regret it when they are gone, or she might not. I always felt duty bound to visit, my siblings didn’t. My siblings also didn’t regret not visiting once grandparents died. Not everyone feels as you do.

This. It's up to your DD what she does with her life. My youngest adult DS drives 140 miles to visit my DH Mum every 3 months. DH is his stepdad but she has been his Nan since he was 8. My elder son only lives 40 miles from her and only visits her twice a year, at Xmas and around her birthday. She loves to see them and she lives alone but I can't tell them they must visit her. I have gently reminded them both she's 86 and not in particularly good health. Then it's up to them if they want to visit more frequently or not. DH and I visit her once every 6 weeks. We also have to travel 145 miles.

Meadowfinch · 06/05/2024 12:09

I'm with your dd on this. A couple of visits a year, plus Christmas is what I used to do too. There was nothing to do in my home town, my friends had all moved away.

If your parents are still capable of international travel, I'm sure they could get the fast train from Newcastle down to see her once a year. They might enjoy it. Stroll around Regents Park, go on the London Eye, trip on an UberBoat and lunch.

You might enjoy it too ! Live a little.

Meadowfinch · 06/05/2024 12:16

Perhaps you find it stressful because you don't know where you are going, and would be on unfamiliar territory.

If you did a proper itinerary, booked a hotel near Kings Cross, and let your dd make bookings for things in advance it would be a lot easier. Think about museums or exhibitions or places you would like to see.

If she hosts you, it needn't be stressful at all.

Octavia64 · 06/05/2024 12:19

My DS lives in London.

I'm not as far away as you but I get the train in regularly and go to see shows/have meals with him.

I'm not old but I'm severely disabled and use a wheelchair. If I can cope with London then you definitely can and so can the grandparents.

The trains from Newcastle to London are fast, good and not too expensive.

BoohooWoohoo · 06/05/2024 12:23

She visits every 3 months which is regular ! You are massively unfair towards your dd.

Your parents can’t cope with taxis in London but can cope with the hustle and bustle of airports and overseas holidays so you are being unfair. London has taxis and black cab drivers are very helpful with luggage etc

Purplevioletsherbert · 06/05/2024 12:23

I see my grandparents every two months, and I live twenty minutes from them. Life is busy, they understand.

Your daughter is doing well to come back every three months to see you all. Go visit her.

fancyfrogs · 06/05/2024 12:26

Yabu. Every few months is perfectly reasonable. Be proud that she's moved away from the 'shithole' and is building a life for herself, whilst also factoring in a few hundred miles worth of travel to see you all every few months.