Adult children and visits home to see older family

[saphiro]

How often do your adult kids come home to visit? We are having trouble getting our daughter to understand that she needs to come home every few months to see family.

All of her grandparents are 85+ and love to see her. Fortunately they are all relatively fit and healthy and still enjoying life with trips overseas etc.

Dd says she dislikes coming home because the area is a shit hole. We live in a poor ex-mining village in northumbria. Dd lives in London and is doing very well for herself.

She comes every three months or so for a night or two and then comes back for a few days at Christmas. Otherwise she uses her annual leave to go on holidays or to see friends.

How do we get her to understand that her family want to see her and won’t be around forever? She thinks that her grandparents could come and visit her for a night or two.

You're being ungrateful. She has her own life & is already making the trip multiple times per year. How often are you/family visiting her?

Have you ever been to London, op? The tube is very easy to navigate and often quiet outside rush hour. We do not push people on pavements.

I'm also wondering if this is a reverse because you sound like an unrealistic stereotype of a country bumpkin, I don't think anyone IRL actually thinks like that

This can’t be a real poster / a reverse? No one can be this out of touch

My dh's family live up north (not in a shithole, in a lovely part of the country) and even pre-dc he only visited them maybe three times a year maximum, usually just twice. His elderly grandma used to visit London once a year and treat us all to a nice dinner at the Goring or somewhere. When she got more frail, accompanied by one of dh's aunts. I am positive she was never jostled.

Is your dd single? Because if/when she gets married it won't even be every Christmas she visits you. I'd enjoy the frequency of visits you have now

I'm also wondering if this is a reverse because you sound like an unrealistic stereotype of a country bumpkin

I was wondering this as well. It's all a bit "it's dangerous down in that there London"

@saphiro why don't you take your parents down to her?

How does she get home for visits? If it's the train they're hopeless these days. Also who foots the travel costs for the extra that you want her to do?

Your daughter is a fully autonomous adult. She, not you, gets to make choices about her life, including where and when she travels. She has given you her boundaries, and if you wish to maintain a good relationship with her, you will stop nagging and complaining to her about her visiting schedule. You do not have the right to control or pressure her. You and you parents have had your lives, now she gets to have hers.

Try this on instead : -

'My daughter lives in London. She is doing well for herself and I'm really proud of her for working to get where she is, coming from a poor ex-mining village in northumbria.

Despite working hard, she makes time to come back and see us every three months for a night or two as well as at Christmas. I know how much she needs her time off and that there's nothing here for her, so I really appreciate her making the effort. She's young and I want her to make the most from her life so I'm happy she is seeing her friends and going on holidays, too.

Her grandparents and I are fit and healthy, still enjoying life with trips overseas. The one place we won't visit is London because we think it is busy and stressful. I know my daughter would love us to see her life in London and there are quieter parts but we just don't like it so we won't go there. AIBU for never visiting her?'

This. Absolutely this.

Pushed around in London.... What are you on about?

This is about you and your anxiety over losing your parents (hopefully not too) soon.

Life is for living and enjoying. Your parents are doing that, you should be too and you should be happy your daughter is living and enjoying her life the way she wants to.

I live 20 minutes away from. My grandparents and see them about as frequently (if not a bit less sometimes)

I have a husband, two children a full time job and friends I also want to see as well as taking holidays in places I want to visit.

YABVU to expect more from her get some hobbies and some friends.

(YANBU to miss her BTW, I get that)

Can’t think why she doesn’t want to come back more to see you !

Why don’t you escort them there then op?

Sorry but I can’t work out if this thread is a reverse or a wind up!

Your adult dd is coming home every few months and for Christmas and holidays! I don’t know what more you can reasonably expect to be honest.

Aren’t you proud of her for making her own way in life? She’s young and independent and wants to live life away from where she was born. Don’t take it personally op. She just wants a different life to yours and that’s ok.

But London is so stressful. I wouldn’t want my parents going on the tube or being pushed around on a busy pavement

Pensioner pushing has been stopped now, OP. The traffic in London is so slow it just wasn't fun any more. 🙄

Your relatives can manage foreign travel. I'm pretty sure they can manage London. Is this unwillingness to visit London their opinion or yours?

London isn't the Wild West.

As long as i get a face time/ call or a whatsapp pic now and then ill be ok with that.
I want my children to get on with life and live it not have to worry about visits.

You cant force a family to stay together.

Head down to London with the GPs on the train and stay overnight. Show your dd that you too are prepared to make the effort.

Stop being so precious. London isn't full of thugs who are going to push them around on the pavement. If they have an aversion to the tube they can take a train or bus or taxi, all will get them to their destination.

It's stressful for DD to come visit you. Weekends are for relaxing, not schlepping around the country to places you don't want to visit to see people you may not be all that fussed about seeing.

I moved 150 miles away over a decade ago. Know how often I've been back to the area? Once, on a surprise birthday treat by DP. We were there for one evening just us two and it didn't involve visiting/seeing family at all. Family can come visit if they want and sometimes do, some of them never do. Left all my friends behind too with no expectations of staying in touch, some have and some haven't. It's no reflection on how much we like each other, it's just practicalities.

Growing up is getting your own life. Moving away is an acceptance that you may rarely or never see some people again, it's something you factor in whe you make the decision to move. You need to accept her life choices and be glad she makes time to visit you at all, it's testament to how much she wants to see you that she's willing to put herself out like this and open up her life (and home?) to return visits from yourselves. She doesn't have to do any of it, she's not coming back for the place or old friends, she's coming purely to see you all. Be happy with what you have, not petulant because you can't have more.

I call reverse.

Your parents are well enough to travel when it suits them. Relationships require effort on both sides. Being old doesn't instantly disqualify you from that. Every 3 months seems plenty anyway. Your daughter is young and enjoying her life. We don't see our in laws any more than that unless they make the effort. Every 3-6 months. I see my grandma about every 6 months.

It sounds like she's coming back plenty already! She's a young woman who needs to be able to live her own life, and she's right, her grandparents can go see her if they're that desperate.

I've always been very family orientated and I thought this thread was going to be about someone who visited once a year or something. But every 3 months + Christmas is loads for someone working full time, especially to Northumbria from London as I imagine the travel takes ages and costs loads too.

Your family is very lucky to have your DD who makes such an effort. I know plenty of young people who visit much less than this even with smaller travel times.

exactly. the roads go both ways

I think this is very normal behaviour for a young professional. Are you from a family where most people have stuck close by and see each other very regularly? I was from a family like that and the expectations were quite different. My grandparents kept saying "when are you moving back?" and couldn't get their heads around the fact that the answer was never.

I think once every three months is good! Most young people are very wrapped up in their own lives and wouldn't think to visit so frequently. I live far from my elderly parents (which makes me very sad) and I aim to visit them once every three months. I find time flies and they're happy I can see them this often.

Your DD should do what she wants. Just like her GP are doing what they want.