Adult children moving away - visiting etiquette

[Nothrown]

If your adult children have moved away from where you live, and now have children. Both parents work, kids have clubs all small / young kids.

You are retired, no major health issues (just aching / more nervous about driving in darkness)

Is there an etiquette on visits? Would you expect to visit the family with small children more than they come to your house?

Would you be offended if they didn’t visit often and expect you to go their house more, with a 1 hour drive?

In our family DM does the vast majority of the travel because (a) she remembers how difficult it is to travel with DC and (b) she’s retired so can take her time whereas both DH and I work FT. I’m am immensely grateful, not least because it’s a 2 hour drive (DM takes the train). DH’s parents expect us to travel…which means we generally only get there in the school holidays (DH is a teacher who has to work Saturday mornings). Doesn’t mean we don’t love them dearly and we’ve offered to host…but apparently it’s too difficult for them to travel.

Oh that’s tricky. Small children and an hour drive? Not ideal. For you, you’d want to get home before dark, due to not liking to drive at night. Mum was the same.

The obvious answer for us was, whoever travelled, would often stay over. Mum and my MIL had porta cot thingies for the kids, which made it simple. We had a comfy spare bed. My MIL really hated the drive, so we would mostly go to her.

@Nothrown are you the grandparent or adult child?

@LawrieForShepherdsBoy I left that out on purpose as I wanted to see an unbiased (and tried to write an unbiased post) for opinions

The grandparents should travel, it’s much more difficult travelling distances with young children. Plus the added issue of parents working, only down time is weekends, kids have clubs. Retired grandparents literally have all the time in the world

Grandparents shouldn’t be offended if their children and grandchildren don’t visit. You wanna see em? Get in the car and either stay over or get over your fear of driving at night

I'd expect to do most the traveling at that stage. My parents came to us for short visits (and far further than an hour, always needed to stay over) and we would go in school holidays.

An hour is close though, not sure how it can be an issue either way

If you are healthy, it’s considerate to visit more if they are happy to have you visit as it’s generally easier for one healthy adult to travel than bringing kids. That’s not to say all the visiting should fall to you but it’s very kind to offer to do most of it while they are so small (I have 3 under four and honestly traveling is so tricky) nappy changes for the two youngest ones, bottles for the newborn, packing toys or books to entertain and snacks ect. Then even having to supervise more than even at home as our place is baby proof but of course when we visit you would never expect somewhere else to be ect!

It totally depends on distance. 30 minute drive? Then probably grandparent, 2/3 hr drive then probably child imo. Not sure why the clubs are relevant as surely if family are visiting you'd miss the clubs 🤷‍♀️
edit, sorry , missed that it was an hours drive in the op 🤦‍♀️, probably pretty even for an hours drive.

If the adult child and partner both work and have children, and the parent is retired but not elderly/unwell, then the retired parent should do the majority of the travel.

It would be significantly easier for the grandparents to visit but nobody is obligated, ideally it’s a little bit of each visiting the other.

I wouldn’t really consider an hour moving away though. If people cannot do an hours drive (on both sides) then surely the obvious solution is go to a park or restaurant 30 mins away from each. That’s manageable for both people with young kids and people who are retired and a bit more nervous about driving in the dark.

An hour is not a long drive. Assuming grandparents are healthy, I'd expect them to be doing the majority of driving in the young kids phase.

It swaps when grandparents are less well.

Is there an etiquette on visits? Would you expect to visit the family with small children more than they come to your house?
It's about evens. We go to them, they come to us. It depends what's going on.

We are at the same old location so it may not be a visit to just us, it may also involve old school friends.

I think in these scenarios there is no etiquette- every family is different. I don’t know who you are in the scenario, op, but I’d encourage you to communicate more. If you would like more visits (whether as host or guest) say so, explain what your issues are and try to make it work. “I’d love to see more of you but it’s hard to travel with small children/my dodgy eyesight. Would you be able to come to us more? How about next weekend?”

If DH isn’t driving and I’m going alone then I get the train to DS and family. Far easier for me because I’m retired now but I did this even when I was working.

We don’t miss clubs if grandparents visit. They come and join in with life. They don’t mind.

My FIL and DM do most of the visiting. DC go to them in the hols, but not always.

Both are retired and have the time to travel. We both work, DC are at school. It’s simply the most practical solution.

How often are the grandparents invited over?

I think only an hour can easily be shared between both. However depending on the ages of the children, it is quite possibly easier for Grandparents to travel. It is easier to parent small children in their own home with their own things.

We (gps) travel to them most often. Occasionally they will visit us. It's easier for us and we are fit/well.

It can be mildly irritating for DH , though, when they come to in laws who live about 10 mins from us, but can't manage to visit us because of the distance.

In my view, it's not worth arguing about. I'd rather see them.

Gps should mostly travel in this scenario, i think. As pp have said then that flips as the gps get older, less well, and the kids get bigger

It depends how old the GP are. As older parents ourselves, our own parents were either deceased or around 80 when our DC was born. There’s no way they would drive an hour to see anyone.

I'm going to guess you are the adult child here.....

I think your mum can come to you more easily for 'just because' visits.

However, if she has a big enough house and lives in an area with nice things to do, you could take the kids to hers for a few days in the holidays.

No one should be 'offended' and there should be no 'expectation'. Come if you are able, we are happy to see you. But understand if you find it difficult.....

When my dc were children we would go to GPs mostly. They had a big house and garden and the grandparents would do a great lunch and most of the entertainment for the grandchildren. All dh and I had to do was a bit of washing up!!

Talk to one another!

Perhaps unnecessary for a journey of only one hour but if parents/pils can’t drive or travel then be prepared to host overnight or pay for accommodation nearby

And if they can travel then do!

But talk to one another and take it in turns or come to an arrangement which suits both parties eg children and adult dc will visit grandparents once to every four or six times the grandparent visits them. Or meet in the middle half way and get to know one another on neutral territory.

Also have a conversation about time pressures and expectations and ask the ft workers what they can cope with. Be sensitive.

It doesn’t matter as long as you maintain the relationship does it?

Much easier for the grandparents to do.the travelling

I'm the grandparent in this scenario. I also still work 50+hrs a week. I do the visiting and also most collecting and dropping off when grand kids come to stay.

Their lives are busy enough!