Adult children moving away - visiting etiquette

[Nothrown]

If your adult children have moved away from where you live, and now have children. Both parents work, kids have clubs all small / young kids.

You are retired, no major health issues (just aching / more nervous about driving in darkness)

Is there an etiquette on visits? Would you expect to visit the family with small children more than they come to your house?

Would you be offended if they didn’t visit often and expect you to go their house more, with a 1 hour drive?

IMO grandparents visit and less ties. Far harder to transport a family including kids and settling them for sleepovers etc but if a day trip then I think either. Actual stays then GPs

Unless the grandparent is elderly or has significant health needs then they should travel most of the time. I don't think the parents of young children shouldn't ever travel though.

If the retired person doesnt want to drive then use public transport. A retired person has a luxury of taking their time, whereas a parent with jobs and young dc don't.

I think you'd be better to share the actual issue. How often are both sides travelling, how often do you want to see each other? 1 hour is not a long journey.

My parents and I took turns. Seemed fair to me.

Mine don't have kids yet but I would expect to visit them more often, just because it's easier for them not to have to pack loads of kid's stuff.

I think grandparent should travel as long as they can and maybe stay the night. It’s easier to find a place for one and travel with small children is a nightmare. By staying overnight GP can give parents an opportunity for an evening break.
However I would expect parents and children travel at longish holidays to stay with GP.

Take it in turns

Ah I thought so.
Thank you

I feel like this is an oxymoron 🤣

Blimey. I don't think an hours drive is "moved away"!

My adult son is an hour away, he doesn't have kids and we see each regularly. Both probably doing equal travel.

However if he had kids I imagine I'd go to him more than he would come to me.

But I have a huge garden and live by the sea, so who knows? He and imaginary grandkids might want to come to me more often.

But an hour's drive? That's absolutely nothing!!

I'm surprised actually that people think it's a bit of a distance.

Would you be offended if they didn’t visit often and expect you to go their house more, with a 1 hour drive?

I dint think any organisation between myself and my parents re visit has ever been based on the risk of offending anyone tbh.
That in itself is weird (well at least in my world)

As for how we got organised.

Parents often came at the end of the day or picked the dcs up from school instead of after school club. Then we had a bit of time all together before they left - often before having dinner as they weren’t keen on driving in the dark/later in the day.

We went to see them at weekends (but not that often tbh).
Dropped the dcs during the hols fir a few days and then spent the day together.

A real mix and match but my parents did most of the heavy lifting. They saw the dcs every other week at least.

Fwiw my parents moved closer to us not long after dc2 was born (to be able to see their grand children!). They moved an hour away from us and considered that close enough. I’m quite 😵‍💫😵‍💫 at the idea that the adult child has ‘moved away’ with that sort of distance.

The person without children should do most of the visiting as they also have more time and it's just 1 or 2 people to put up if staying over. Their bed time will be later than children as well. If only an hour or so drive then go for the day and leave before dark.
Often the person who's keener on visiting visits most so I travel to see my son in his 20s more than he travels to see me as I'm more bothered about seeing him plus I have a car although I often take the train as going to London. I tend to visit my dad as he's now in his 80s and if the trip to see me has a change of trains or my station isn't the last stop it may go very wrong.
If the older person isn't keen on travelling then they see their children and grandchildren less often.

My parents live 4 hours away and I have 2 young children. Neither of us live where we grew up. I go to them in almost every school holiday for at least a few days. I go up for the odd weekend if we haven't managed to go up in a school holiday. Leave straight from school on the Friday and come home Sunday lunch. They come to me for odd weekends during school terms and in the summer. I find it odd that people think you can't travel with children, or that an hour is moved away!! We see my parents more than my in laws who live 30 mins away because we both make an effort to make time to see each other.

Assuming adult child is happy to have the GP, they should travel. Does visiting entail overnight and is this an issue?

Yes this

I feel like you're the adult child. The detail about no illnesses etc is important. At some point due to that the weight of responsibility will probably switch. But the younger the kids and the fitter the GParent the more the onus should be on them.

I am the child who moved away. I'm 2 hours away.

At first, i went to see them when was convenient for me and it was easy breezy. When I had DC and was on mat leave, they came to see me weekly. Then, probably DC at 9 months, I visited them 90% of the time. My mum is disabled so not relevant as I have to visit her but my dad now never comes to me and expects me to go to him and for years it was ok BUT now it wears thin so I never see him. When they come here, they regularly overstay their welcome so that's something to look out for.

The etiquette is to talk about it on a case by case basis I would say.

Get in the car and either stay over or get over your fear of driving at night

@Gymmum82 whilst I agree about grand parents doing most if the heavy lifting there, I disagree about that comment.

1- parents might not welcome said grand parents staying over regularly, or have the space. Grand parents might not have the money to pay fir regular nights away.
2- driving at night can be a real issue having nothing to do with fear. Night vision becomes worse with age. That’s a fact and not something you can ‘get over’

Of course you’re assuming people gave a car and the money to put fuel in too.

Since when did an hour's drive become such an overwhelming impossibility with young children? I keep reading on MN how hard it is to go visit anyone (usually the MIL) once you've had kids. I understand there are sometimes mitigating circumstances but blimey, really? Bet they'd drive an hour to go on holiday or for a day out otherwise their lives must be very narrow.

@ginasevern i fully agree there.

Etiquette???
Gosh l visit mine as much as possible and vice versa.. luckily live 10 mins away...Grandsons from being babies.. my family.. my world.

Fwiw the fa to the OP talked about ‘moving away’ makes me think there is an expectation for the adult child to come back regularly to see the parents because they’re the ones who moved away.

You see that often on threads when people have moved away (several hours rather than 1 hour away!). The idea that if they were the ones who chose to go away, it’s up to them to make the effort.

Im wondering if there isn’t some resentment going in there. On the top of a family used to see people staying close by so it’s never and issue or an effort to go and see them.

In our family it’s the people who move away who do the travelling the majority of times.

I would expect grandparents to travel when children very small. By public transport if necessary. When children older, usually the grandparents would still have more free time, but we visited my parents as there were health issues involved.

Ratio of 3:1 grandparents to parents travel while they are small feels fair. With the assumption the ratio reverses when grandparents need the care/help.