Adult children moving away - visiting etiquette

[Nothrown]

If your adult children have moved away from where you live, and now have children. Both parents work, kids have clubs all small / young kids.

You are retired, no major health issues (just aching / more nervous about driving in darkness)

Is there an etiquette on visits? Would you expect to visit the family with small children more than they come to your house?

Would you be offended if they didn’t visit often and expect you to go their house more, with a 1 hour drive?

I think it depends on a lot of factors, especially with an hour travel. Whose house is better set up for a days visit? Who’s happy to cook/organise food? Are the grandparents working still? With only an hour (not a long travel amount imo) I’d expect it to be about equal, but that said we travelled to grandparents more than they can to us as they had larger houses in the country which made for a more fun visit.

id also say your opinion (I’d be confident you are the adult child in this set up) that grandparents have minor health issues and fear of night driving may be minimising their challenges. Ime lots of people as they get older find night driving really hard and scary: it’s due to changes in how older eyes prowl was low light levels and street lighting iirc

But how far is moving away to you @2chocolateoranges ?

It literally says in the OP nervous about driving after dark. Even if they can’t stay over. Living only an hour away doesn’t proclude visiting for a day and can drive in daylight hours.

Hmm…. Or maybe the fact you can’t see as well in the dark makes you anxious?
So it’s not ‘fear of driving in the dark’ but being anxious of driving with reduced eye sight at night due to age.

I’d see ‘being anxious of driving at night’ a minimising view if what might happen to said parent.

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Why is it difficult to travel with children? I don't think it is, except for travelling with very young children in prams on public transport, which I used to do weekly when my DM was ill. I have taken my DGC on holiday by train and managed.
Each family situation is different. Often grandparents still work full time and Mum is a SAHM so who has more time to visit then? When my DGC were small their DM was at home and I was working.
I am a reasonably fit DGM but now do have poor eyesight so could not drive, epecially at night and have, minor mobility issues, which means I cannot use escalators and find getting on and off trains with a wide gap from the platform impossible on my own. I do still make a 2 hour train journey a couple of times a year to visit my single DS.
There is no right or wrong, just families with differing situations and needs.

I don’t think travelling is harder than hosting. Even with close family, I’d still need to clean house and feed guests.

I think everyone is different. I visited my mum and dad at their home most weeks because I am one of 5 siblings so at least a couple would visit at some point over a weekend and it was always loose plans such as I'll pop over Saturday afternoon.

My mum and dad only visited my house very occasionally over the years and always for a specific reason such as ds being a newborn, to help with a bit of DIY my dad could do or if I was doing Christmas dinner.

I didn't mind, as all of us felt more comfortable and relaxed in their home as it was our old family home.

Each to their own, don't think there is a right or wrong as long as everyone is happy.

I moved 6 hours away and my mam came down 3/4 times a year and I came up probably 2 times x

I think grandparents should do more of the travelling. I'm assuming there are lots of day trips involved rather than full weekends.

Kids clubs and lessons can be pricey and you don't want kids to miss out so it makes sense for grandparents to travel or meet half way.

If the kids have school and clubs it means you're over the new born, baby, toddler stage and they should be fine in the car for an hour.
So it should be equal; I'd think whoever is unwilling to do the drive is being inconsiderate to the other party. If driving at night is an issue for the Grandparents then they either visit earlier in the day on a weekend or stay over - it really isn't rocket science.

So we live an hour away from the grandparents. (Two from the other set)... the ones who live an hour away drive to see us everyweek (I work and husband is a stay at home parent). My Dd loves her Tuesday visits from my inlaws. We do go and see them probably every month or so at the weekend!!
My parents live 2.5 hrs away and we take turns in who drives to see the other- or meet them half way!!
Could you meet them halfway for lunch- or a fun day somewhere?

A one-hour drive! Unless the grandparents are very elderly or frail, that’s nothing. Even in winter you could drive for Sunday lunch and avoid dark roads.

Why can’t you alternate? My mum lives 200 miles away from me which equates to a 3-4 hr drive and there is no expectation of who should travel. We both do it - I have 2 children (8 and 2) and we travel up for birthdays and visits and vice versa. My mum moved away from me for context. I don’t think it’s any one persons responsibility to visit. As with any relationship it’s give and take. Do I enjoy the drive? Not at all but I do it so me and my children can see our family because we want them in our lives.

I think you make more of an effort to travel to the people with the small children (assuming everyone is okay to drive and no health issues etc). It’s more practical; the sheer amount of stuff you need for kids, even for a day out, when they’re small, makes it harder work. Much easier to have all the kids’ stuff to hand; no worries about mess/babyproofing/nappy changing etc.

It depends. My mum never comes to mine as I’ve got stairs and she can’t manage them. She would need to use them to use the loo. She lives close. They have spare rooms so baby sit by having the kids sleep over.

My in-laws. They love 3 hours away. No one is retired. They visit infrequently and need to stay I a hotel as we don’t have space. We can stay at their house as they do have space. But it’s more like once per term or for celebration specific. They are much less involved that the local DGPs.

The driving in the dark has become an issue for helping out picking up odd from activities if I’m in need with the local DGPs.

My parents are both in their 80s and think nothing of driving 3 hours to see their grabdchildren and great grandchildren. They generally travel back the same day.

GPS visit most often. An hour is nothing.

It’s a lot easier for the gp to do the traveling there’s no packing bags with stuff to entertain/ fed young children no potty/nappy breaks plus it’s hard entertaining child in someone else’s house they don’t have their usually toys, their out of routine and they get bored easily. We’re lucky my parents live across the road and half of their toys are there they’ve got their home set up for the children because they have them quite often while we work.

I just don't see this as having an "etiquette"
It depends on very specific circumstances for each family.

Op probably best to just come back with the actual issue and get proper advice.

My DD has 2 children and works. I travel to them. She may visit once a year but shes got a lot on so i go to them...she doesn't need any more stressors.

It comes across as you being the adult child

I live 10 minutes away from my parents, who've been married for 47 years.

My Dad comes over almost every day, my Mum comes over maybe once a year, and only when DF drags her out.

For context her DM and DF never visited my parents home when they were in the same country, we always went to see grandparents at their house.

Me and DC go to their house at least once a week.

So annoying when OPs ask a question and then run .

Probably a journalist