Where did we go wrong

[Notjustamumx5]

First time post in an act of desperation!
5 children in total but only the 29-year-old and 19-year-old daughter living at home. I am the 1st to admit I have been enabling especially my eldest one but this has now severely come back to bite me in the behind.
My 19 year old recently passed her driving test and under the wise words of her boyfriend had decided to drive to a free party (illegal rave)
I found out what her intentions were. I gave her the opportunity to make the right decision, I told her it wasn’t safe and that this is not why we put her through her test and purchased her a car. Holy hell broke, massive argument, in desperation I took her car keys and told her to leave. She refused so I opened the front door and pushed her through.
I’m not a parent that physically disciplines my children so this was a shock to myself and her. I do however suffer with ADHD and seem to be always in fight or flight so my reaction times are not always the best.
Fast forward two weeks and my 19-year-old has decided to move out temporarily to said boyfriends, I haven’t stopped this although don’t agree with it but on my return we have a big table talk planned (normal for family upset)
my daughters seem to now be of the understanding that my over protective parenting is a massive issue and I need to back off.
I panic when my girls (who live at home) drive long distances, meet blind dates and go to late night parties without friends. On these occasions I ask for them to make themselves visible on snap maps.
other than that they are free to do as they please.
I’ve decided at the table talk that I’m giving both daughters 6months to make arrangements to secure independent living arrangements. My husband and I are willing to provide deposits and advice and support to do this but I feel I am now done with it!
Am I making the right choice?
TIA
exhausted mum x

Sorry but stopping a 19yr old driving herself to an illegal rave is just bonkers, she's 19 fgs, stop being so controlling!

So there was an altercation and she has now gone to stay at her boyfriends.

I don't think you need to worry about asking her to move out I doubt she is planning on coming back.

Getting physical is very unreasonable as I'm sure you know. I understand that you might be anxious but late teens and early twenties adults do stuff like this and you do need to respect the decisions they make.

29yr old-HCA very part time! And sings in a band, very rarely pays rent on time if at all. 19 yr old gardener working part time, not currently paying rent. Both could work full time but very much avoid this because living home they can.
unsure of what if they don’t?
The other three are doing fine, working and living independently.

The 19 and 29 year old are at very differential stages. I don't think treating them the same is fair.

What exactly were you worried about her driving to the illegal rave? What outcome concerned you?
(I remember going to my one and only illegal rave at about 21.....I didn't drive but a friend did - we had a blast - they weren't for me as the uncertainty of venue and late night didn't suit me!)

I think your reaction is extreme to a normal teenage activity.

The 29 year old though....why have they not left? Do they pay their way? Are they easy to live with? If yes and yes why kick them out?

Actually your whole reaction is OTT.

What was the problem with her driving to the rave? What am I missing here?

What on earth do you think happens at illegal raves? Ask yourself how often people are on the news for being killed or injured at illegal raves ..

On my insurance, I pay tax, mot and fuel. Also I bought the car. Also would add that I refused her the car but added that at 19 I couldn’t stop her going but not in the car.

God knows, I've been to plenty and never a problem

On my insurance, I pay tax, mot and fuel. Also I bought the car. Also would add that I refused her the car but added that at 19 I couldn’t stop her going but not in the car.

Sorry, but I still don't understand what the problem with driving to the rave is.

I get that it's your car etc, but why didn't you want her to drive it to the rave?

I know three people who died after driving home from a rave and the driver was off their tits on coke and E’s. People don’t generally go to raves and stay sober, so driving home isn’t really a great idea.

They are spoilt, they need to either work and pay you rent, they need to pay their own bills and adhere to some rules or leave and pay someone else rent. It's hardly rocket science. Stop paying for the bloody car. Your doing them no favours.

very rarely pays rent on time if at all

Well why are you putting up with this? if you keep allowing this of course nothing is going to change is it? 29 is more than capable of paying the rent- coddling her is hardly preparing her for life and its going to come as a massive shock to her when she moves out and finds her landlord isnt quite so understanding. Do you do her laundry and cooking too?

You can’t and shouldn’t stop her going to places at 19, but the issue is that you need to stop being so generous with financing her life.

I lived at my mum’s rent free for 1 year before uni for the purpose of working full time so i could afford to go to uni. If your daughter isn’t paying you rent and isn’t planning to further her education, then she needs to increase her working hours and contribute to your cost of living eg bills and she needs to pay for her own car.

I paid for my own driving lessons but didn’t have a car until i could afford one age 27. Stop paying for everything for them.

YABU to have physically pushed her out the door.

Are the 3 that moved out all boys? Have you treated them differently because they’re girls? Can’t work out from your post.

She had only been driving 2 weeks, no motorway experience. Go to the rave, just don’t want her driving.

No 2 more girls and 1 boy

Ok, so you didn't want her to drive on the motorway, nothing to do with the rave then.

When will it be ok for her to drive on the motorway? She's going to have to at some point...

I took her car keys and told her to leave. She refused so I opened the front door and pushed her through.

you physically pushed her out of the house and told her to leave the house, and now wonder why she's not home?!
You said you really enable the 29 year old, oldest and goldest child?