Where did we go wrong

[Notjustamumx5]

First time post in an act of desperation!
5 children in total but only the 29-year-old and 19-year-old daughter living at home. I am the 1st to admit I have been enabling especially my eldest one but this has now severely come back to bite me in the behind.
My 19 year old recently passed her driving test and under the wise words of her boyfriend had decided to drive to a free party (illegal rave)
I found out what her intentions were. I gave her the opportunity to make the right decision, I told her it wasn’t safe and that this is not why we put her through her test and purchased her a car. Holy hell broke, massive argument, in desperation I took her car keys and told her to leave. She refused so I opened the front door and pushed her through.
I’m not a parent that physically disciplines my children so this was a shock to myself and her. I do however suffer with ADHD and seem to be always in fight or flight so my reaction times are not always the best.
Fast forward two weeks and my 19-year-old has decided to move out temporarily to said boyfriends, I haven’t stopped this although don’t agree with it but on my return we have a big table talk planned (normal for family upset)
my daughters seem to now be of the understanding that my over protective parenting is a massive issue and I need to back off.
I panic when my girls (who live at home) drive long distances, meet blind dates and go to late night parties without friends. On these occasions I ask for them to make themselves visible on snap maps.
other than that they are free to do as they please.
I’ve decided at the table talk that I’m giving both daughters 6months to make arrangements to secure independent living arrangements. My husband and I are willing to provide deposits and advice and support to do this but I feel I am now done with it!
Am I making the right choice?
TIA
exhausted mum x

shes booked in for motorway lessons. I had a horrific accident on a motorway years ago so aware that this is a me thing.

Ah ok, that makes it more understandable.

I am not being unkind but if you enable your children and do everything for them, financially support them when they are almost 30, then why would they grow up and take responsibility? they have no motivation to support themselves if everything is just being done for them.

It's pretty obvious. Instead of letting it get to a point where you lost your rag and physically threw them out, you should have had these conversations years ago and put in healthy boundaries. No wonder its gone to shit now 🤷‍♀️

I don't think it's fair to make the 19 year old move out at the same time as the 29 year old. It's perfectly normal for a 19 year old to live at home, not work full time, push boundaries etc. Not so much for a 29 year old!

Quite the opposite, I’ve always had a good relationship with all my children, they do help, not enough but enough to get by. We have disagreements but very rarely verbally disrespectful. This is why this
is new territory. I feel the home girls want it all there way whilst living with me. I know it’s time for them to go and live life on their own, they are too big for home now.

More generally, if you are asking a 29 year old to share her location on snap chat because she goes to late night parties, I'd suggest that this is a you are overly anxious problem.

Most parents have stopped worrying about this sort of stuff by the time their children are 29.

I note that you said that you worry about them driving long distances because you have been involved in an accident on the motorway.

While they probably are taking the piss a bit in terms of rent and contributions around the house your anxiety is babying them and not good for either you or them.

I don't think you can insist that your 19-year-old has to be living independently in 6 months, when you've let the 29-year-old bum around at home for ten more years than her!

Did you buy all 5 children a car?

Yes

That's very sad but over the last 30 years literally millions of people will have driven to and from raves and not died. People die from over consumption of alcohol and driving all the time sadly. Would the OP have let her DD drive to the pub? What's the difference?

If they are adults (and they are) you can't stop them driving wherever they like, doing what they want etc. So, yes, you are over-protective in that respect.
But, equally, as adults they should be living independently and paying their own way. So, if they are not willing or able to move out then they have to pay you a realistic amount of rent and also do their fare share of household chores. Not only do you need to stop treating them like children, but they need to know that they can't continue to behave like children.

My DC's are late teens and away at university, no idea where they are most of the time. Cannot imagine tagging or looking to see where they are, that's shocking!

Why do you pay for all that? Do you think you're encouraging independence or a desire to work?

As usual on MN people are focusing on minute details - like presuming your newly qualified dd will not drink or take drugs and is safe to drive YOUR car home on the motorway after being up all night.

I was toying with asking my son to declare himself homeless. Our sons disability socail worker said he could go on the council list for socail housing. It's not impossible to move out esp if there's a boyfriend at that age.

My sons the same age. He does what ever he wants and I don't stop him. He told me his mate takes him out I the dead of the night in his mates car and they stupid shit. I can't stop him, but if it was a car I'd paid for? He would loose access too.

I think the main issue is that you appear to treat them as children. So they are behaving as such.

Stop paying for everything.

Charge them proper rent to cover their share of bills and food.
Lovely that you were able to pay for their cars, but presumably you gifted them the vehicles - they are now responsible for those vehicles. They should be paying for insurance, tax, fuel etc (and also deciding where to go in them). They'll soon realise that they will need to work full time to cover costs.

Mine are early 20s and I understand it is difficult to stop worrying when they are out late etc. But you cannot be tracking the whereabouts of a 29 yo!! Even the 19 yo is an adult. I ask that mine tell me if they are intending to stay out so that we can lock the house if they're not coming home. I like to know roughly where they are going but realise that as adults it is up to them if they want to tell me.

Quite simply, you've spoilt your 'kids'. Not encouraging them to work and save for their own car and outgoings, not charging them rent and indulging them financially has repercussions. You can't stop her going to a rave nut if she had saved up for and treasured her own car she would before inclined to drive sensibly. You've made it all far too easy for them.

Thing is, once she’s moved out, she might be doing this anyway you just won’t know about it.

19 year olds want to go to parties. No their judgement isn’t always the best.

IMO being too hardline will mean she won’t listen to you at all.

I’d have let her go but just highlighted the issues.

OR offered to pay for a taxi there and back, if really worried she’d actually drink?

They both need to leave home and you shouldn't give them the money towards that if you give them enough notice.

You definitely shouldn't be guarantors for their rent.

They are behaving like teenagers and treating their jobs like Saturday jobs, where they just use their wages as pocket money. That isn't doing either of them any good.

I'd give them six months' notice. In the meantime, they should pay their rent on time and do their share around the house. And grow up.

So you physically pushed your 19 year old out of the door and told her to leave over an arguement about driving on the motorway.

And now she has to move out on her own despite you supporting her siblings until they were ready to leave and her sister for a full decade more.

What is the "all of this" you're done with? Parenting? So your youngest gets a decade less parenting because you're bored now?

After almost 30 years of parenting - 5 babies in 10 years! - you sound at the end of your tether, OP.

Why is your 29 year old only working pt in a minimum wage job? Is there a HCP job she can train for if she enjoys her HCP role?

Again, why isn't your 19 year old working full-time.

Why did you buy her a car?!

They need to be working full-time and then can look at moving out.

Have you taken it out on the 19 yo because you've had enough of the 29 yo? Focus on the 29 yo first.

It's not the driving to the free party though is it, it's the driving home again that's the dangerous bit. Having been that teeanger/20 something I'd had had a strong reaction too.

You've bought them all cars, they dont help enough around the house, you dont make them pay full rent and you're wondering why they're now lazy and entitled?

Seriously?

Look, the pushing isn’t great BUT I understand the frustration.
I’d ease up on the tracking, maybe keep the find my phone feature and agree to a check in text.
The 29yr old and 19yr old are at different stages of development and need to be treated/contributing differently.