Where did we go wrong

[Notjustamumx5]

First time post in an act of desperation!
5 children in total but only the 29-year-old and 19-year-old daughter living at home. I am the 1st to admit I have been enabling especially my eldest one but this has now severely come back to bite me in the behind.
My 19 year old recently passed her driving test and under the wise words of her boyfriend had decided to drive to a free party (illegal rave)
I found out what her intentions were. I gave her the opportunity to make the right decision, I told her it wasn’t safe and that this is not why we put her through her test and purchased her a car. Holy hell broke, massive argument, in desperation I took her car keys and told her to leave. She refused so I opened the front door and pushed her through.
I’m not a parent that physically disciplines my children so this was a shock to myself and her. I do however suffer with ADHD and seem to be always in fight or flight so my reaction times are not always the best.
Fast forward two weeks and my 19-year-old has decided to move out temporarily to said boyfriends, I haven’t stopped this although don’t agree with it but on my return we have a big table talk planned (normal for family upset)
my daughters seem to now be of the understanding that my over protective parenting is a massive issue and I need to back off.
I panic when my girls (who live at home) drive long distances, meet blind dates and go to late night parties without friends. On these occasions I ask for them to make themselves visible on snap maps.
other than that they are free to do as they please.
I’ve decided at the table talk that I’m giving both daughters 6months to make arrangements to secure independent living arrangements. My husband and I are willing to provide deposits and advice and support to do this but I feel I am now done with it!
Am I making the right choice?
TIA
exhausted mum x

I’m sure I read this exact same thing about 6 months ago. Have you posted about your 29 year old part time HCA adult daughter before?

I think your ADHD might be a contributing factor here. Your reaction to her driving to a rave was extreme and it sounds as though you weren't in control at the time.

When you bought her the car and paid for everything, did you explain about your accident and how her having the car is dependent on her having a Motorway lesson before driving independently on the Motorway? And why are the Motorway lessons in the future? Mine was booked for the day after my test,

What things are you doing to try and regulate OP and what are you doing about your anxiety?

You need to apologise to the 19 y/o. Not saying this to shame you but as a direct course of action. Sometimes people know they're wrong yet don't say it, which turns everything into a further misunderstanding.

Apologise for your actions and explain that you want her to move out – not sure if this is fair for a 19 y/o, might be or might not – because you feel both she and you are being pushed to the limit, and it might be better for her to get some independence. Otherwise it just seems like you're kicking her out to punish her, after your tantrum where you shoved her.

Agree with PP though that you need to treat the 19 year old differently from the 29 year old.

I don’t have grown up children yet BUT I have lived in lots of house shares and I think that when adults are sharing a house a certain level of respect and concern for safety is normal. For example when I was online dating I always let my housemate know where I was for safety reasons etc Let each other know when we would staying out etc I think it’s fine for you to decide your ‘house rules’ and for the girls to decide if they are happy to live by those. I definitely wouldn’t give a 19 year old the same ultimatum to move out as a sister 10 years older though. I think I would also feel it was unfair as the 19 year old to be expected to contribute financially if my sister hadn’t from the ages of 19-29 years. Maybe talk to the girls separately about this. I still see 19 as very young (especially these days) and very different to 29. I think explaining to the 29 year old that you understand your conditions might not be suitable for someone her age and you’re happy to help her set up home else where is a kind and helpful thing to do but for the 19 year old I feel she’d be better off at home with your guidance. Lastly maybe if you feel your anxiety is a factor in all this seek some help for this (or further help if you already are) Good luck

Gosh. What a mess!

Apologise to your DD for your behaviour and explain the reasons why you behaved like you did. You cannot manhandle your 19 y old like that; it demonstrates that you lost control.

If you have anxiety/ ADHD… whatever, then take steps to control or medicate yourself. Do what it takes.

The best thing for you all would be for your remaining kids to move out. (And as my DM said to me ‘What I don’t know, I won’t worry about’☺️)

You get the house back, and they get to live life on their terms.