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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Please advise me

68 replies

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:31

Hi, I’m going through major family drama over some I did on Sunday Morning to my 24 year old daughter.
I’m 45 & have been a single mother since she was 5 weeks old.
My daughter lives with me, along with her son & 37 yr old partner.
My daughter is a fabulous young woman & an amazing mother.
so here’s what happened……. My daughter rarely goes out drinking & clubbing that’s been her choice as I’m an on tap babysitter for my wonderful grandson.
On Saturday she went out at 1.30 in the afternoon. She was messaging me bk ect while out. She msg’d about 9.30 to say she was on the train, going for food & that she wouldn’t be late. Fast forward roughly 2 hrs, she messaged saying that her & her friend had found a packet of white powder obviously drugs. Of course I said don’t take it!!! Fast forward 2am, gone to a nightclub. I reiterate don’t be alone or walk home. I txt at 3.00 am she was outside the nightclub & wasn’t with the girls she went out with. Then she stopped answering my msg’s & calls. I start to worry because this is so so unlike her. By 4.00 am I’m really worried, we live in a rough town too. I wake up her bf, who hasn’t heard of her either. In my mind I’m thinking she’s been drinking for 13 hrs plus & did she take whatever substance they found…….. I leave my grandson with her boyfriend & decide to walk to our town centre. Whilst I’m on route I get through to her, she sounds out of it & firstly tells me she’s in a taxi then changes it to McDonald’s & that she’s in her own. It’s now 4.20, thank god she’s safe firstly I think & secondly i tell her to order a taxi & pick me up on the way. So that’s what happened. I was so relieved she was ok, however I gave her a right piece of my mind for being alone, that’s the one thing I have always tried to teach whilst in a night out.
My daughter went absolutely crazy on me, for leaving the house to find her, she can not accept that I was worried about her at all because she’s 24. I was told by her that I’m mental, how she deserves a night out because of all she does for me. That hurt me because I have bad health & she knows all to well it’s not my fault & how I often feel such a burden. However I’m an on tap babysitter for my grandson & I wouldn’t have it any other way! I don’t take rent off her or anything & it’s my pleasure to help her out as much as I can financially & I love doing so.
I want to stress that I only walked to look for her as she sounded out of it when I did finally speak to her, she lied about being in a taxi which isn’t like her whatsoever & I knew she was alone & had been drinking & I think whatever else for the past 13 hrs plus. If she had told me she was with her bestie, there’s no way I would have been walking the roads at 4.00 am !
fast forward today, she has made me feel like the worst parent ever & tbh that’s the only job i feel I have ever been any good at. She can not understand my actions at all & her boyfriend is also giving me the cold shoulder.
Honestly i feel in bits! I’m 45 & don’t want to leave my bedroom in my own home because of how she’s made me feel & the boyfriend if I’m totally honest.
I myself was sexually assaulted last July, so I know now I’m hyper vigilant.
I just can’t understand why she thinks this was nothing short of crazy for me to do. I’m her mother & just wanted her safe.
can you please give me your honest opinion’s about this because i honestly feel like I’m cracking up & a bad mother! X

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 05/02/2024 20:35

Your boundaries are all blurred - and I say that kindly as someone who lived with my own Mum until I was 32 (with my dh and my dd). You need to ask her to move out, it’s all too muddled. It’s ridiculous they’re not paying rent either.

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:41

Thank you for your advice. Her boyfriend pays rent. I don’t know what you mean about boundaries, please don’t think I’m being sarcastic saying that either x

OP posts:
Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:43

Do you think I was wrong to worry? Sorry if I seem really stupid, i just can’t make sense of it 🤦‍♀️x

OP posts:
defiant2024 · 05/02/2024 20:45

Double post.

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:49

Thank you so much because i honestly feel like I’m loosing my mind over this. The only thing I’ve ever been good at is being a mother….. at least I thought so x

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 05/02/2024 20:49

Anyone would be worried, that’s understandable. But I think she’s still behaving a bit like a child because she’s still living at home with Mum, if that makes sense. If you didn’t live together you wouldn’t have known she wasn’t back and the next time you’d speak to her it wouldn’t even be an issue. My dd is 21 and I do know it’s hard, you don’t ever stop worrying!

defiant2024 · 05/02/2024 20:50

Of course you weren't wrong to worry. Anyone pretending otherwise is an idiot, or lying.

You're still mothering her through her own choice to live with you. Mothering instinct NEVER goes away for good mothers, when the kids move out you worry less over time and it's much better for all concerned.

If she doesn't want to be mothered she can't live with her mother and do impulsive, possibly dangerous things. Time for her to move out.

Windydaysandwetnights · 05/02/2024 20:51

Ime dc however old owe us courtesy and respect when under our roof... Your dd acted like a bratty teenager... Stop being so on hand. She needs to step up.

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 20:55

Any mother would have been concerned and gone out looking for her child especially after receiving the messages that you did.
Dont be hard on yourself your daughter will calm down. Take care x

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:57

It’s only ever been me & her. Obviously now we have my amazing 4 yr old grandson & her bf.
I know I sound pathetic but I could never live here without her & my grandson. The house would be empty.
I think I’m going to have to leave. You’re absolutely right, I then wouldn’t have known she was out & I wouldn’t be feeling like this. Thank you for your msg x

OP posts:
Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 20:58

Thank you so much I really do mean that x

OP posts:
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 21:01

@Zelda7 not at all, I know exactly how you feel x

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:07

That’s the thing, this is so so out of character for her, I just can’t get my head around it x

OP posts:
Concernemum · 05/02/2024 21:12

@Zelda7 maybe she needed to blow some steam off
if it’s totally out of character for her to do this . She’s probably giving off to you because she concerned that you could have put yourself in danger because of her actions.

mnuser97427 · 05/02/2024 21:20

Why do you need to move out, OP? It's your house.

How old was she when she got with her partner? She was at least 19 and he 32

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:21

You’re right about blowing off steam & I understand that totally, I wish I could be a better mother in terms of health.
I don’t think she worried about me, she honestly can not understand why I worried about her, I’ve tried & tried to explain to her x

OP posts:
Pigeonqueen · 05/02/2024 21:26

mnuser97427 · 05/02/2024 21:20

Why do you need to move out, OP? It's your house.

How old was she when she got with her partner? She was at least 19 and he 32

I was wondering that too.

op you sound depressed. I know what it’s like to have chronic ill health and challenging dc. It’s hard. What do you do for yourself, for fun? You need to become your own person, you need your own life.

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:26

I couldn’t live here without them, it’s just me & the house is set up for them & especially my grandson, bless him. His school is at the top of the road. I couldn’t physically maintain everything as it’s big.
Her partner isn’t my grandson’s biological father. My daughter had him when she was 19 x

OP posts:
mnuser97427 · 05/02/2024 21:28

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:26

I couldn’t live here without them, it’s just me & the house is set up for them & especially my grandson, bless him. His school is at the top of the road. I couldn’t physically maintain everything as it’s big.
Her partner isn’t my grandson’s biological father. My daughter had him when she was 19 x

How long have they been together?

Seems an odd setup OP

mnuser97427 · 05/02/2024 21:29

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:26

I couldn’t live here without them, it’s just me & the house is set up for them & especially my grandson, bless him. His school is at the top of the road. I couldn’t physically maintain everything as it’s big.
Her partner isn’t my grandson’s biological father. My daughter had him when she was 19 x

Do you rent or own your house?
Wouldn't living in another house without them be the same?

Concernemum · 05/02/2024 21:31

@Zelda7 my own daughter would be like yours she masks her concerns and feelings with anger. Deep down your daughter cares immensely for you, yous will get through this. As my own mum told me today it’s a 7 day wonder, things will get back on an even track again x

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:34

I’ve had lots of bowel surgery, I have a stoma, 2 back operation’s, bad lungs from recent pneumonia & problems with pulmonary embolism’s. The remaining back passage needs to be removed because of colitis & I have to have scan in my heart Wednesday. So all this does leave me feeling down & useless tbh.
I started doing a degree last September but due to health I had to stop.
My friends all live an hour away, so even though I speak to them, I don’t see them.
I just love being with my grandson. My daughter his doing her degree so I’m on tap for him, which I love btw, he keeps me going! Xx

OP posts:
mnuser97427 · 05/02/2024 21:35

So is your daughter your full time carer?

Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:36

It’s 3 years now x

OP posts:
Zelda7 · 05/02/2024 21:38

I own my house out right, the plan was for me to build something in the garden or have a lodge type thing because it’s really big x

OP posts:
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