Please advise me

[Zelda7]

Hi, I’m going through major family drama over some I did on Sunday Morning to my 24 year old daughter.
I’m 45 & have been a single mother since she was 5 weeks old.
My daughter lives with me, along with her son & 37 yr old partner.
My daughter is a fabulous young woman & an amazing mother.
so here’s what happened……. My daughter rarely goes out drinking & clubbing that’s been her choice as I’m an on tap babysitter for my wonderful grandson.
On Saturday she went out at 1.30 in the afternoon. She was messaging me bk ect while out. She msg’d about 9.30 to say she was on the train, going for food & that she wouldn’t be late. Fast forward roughly 2 hrs, she messaged saying that her & her friend had found a packet of white powder obviously drugs. Of course I said don’t take it!!! Fast forward 2am, gone to a nightclub. I reiterate don’t be alone or walk home. I txt at 3.00 am she was outside the nightclub & wasn’t with the girls she went out with. Then she stopped answering my msg’s & calls. I start to worry because this is so so unlike her. By 4.00 am I’m really worried, we live in a rough town too. I wake up her bf, who hasn’t heard of her either. In my mind I’m thinking she’s been drinking for 13 hrs plus & did she take whatever substance they found…….. I leave my grandson with her boyfriend & decide to walk to our town centre. Whilst I’m on route I get through to her, she sounds out of it & firstly tells me she’s in a taxi then changes it to McDonald’s & that she’s in her own. It’s now 4.20, thank god she’s safe firstly I think & secondly i tell her to order a taxi & pick me up on the way. So that’s what happened. I was so relieved she was ok, however I gave her a right piece of my mind for being alone, that’s the one thing I have always tried to teach whilst in a night out.
My daughter went absolutely crazy on me, for leaving the house to find her, she can not accept that I was worried about her at all because she’s 24. I was told by her that I’m mental, how she deserves a night out because of all she does for me. That hurt me because I have bad health & she knows all to well it’s not my fault & how I often feel such a burden. However I’m an on tap babysitter for my grandson & I wouldn’t have it any other way! I don’t take rent off her or anything & it’s my pleasure to help her out as much as I can financially & I love doing so.
I want to stress that I only walked to look for her as she sounded out of it when I did finally speak to her, she lied about being in a taxi which isn’t like her whatsoever & I knew she was alone & had been drinking & I think whatever else for the past 13 hrs plus. If she had told me she was with her bestie, there’s no way I would have been walking the roads at 4.00 am !
fast forward today, she has made me feel like the worst parent ever & tbh that’s the only job i feel I have ever been any good at. She can not understand my actions at all & her boyfriend is also giving me the cold shoulder.
Honestly i feel in bits! I’m 45 & don’t want to leave my bedroom in my own home because of how she’s made me feel & the boyfriend if I’m totally honest.
I myself was sexually assaulted last July, so I know now I’m hyper vigilant.
I just can’t understand why she thinks this was nothing short of crazy for me to do. I’m her mother & just wanted her safe.
can you please give me your honest opinion’s about this because i honestly feel like I’m cracking up & a bad mother! X

No not full time at all, but she will do the lifting type thing….. the hoover being brought upstairs that kind of thing. She’s doing her own degree.
I really do try & do my bit. Cooking & looking after my grandson. I’m so conscious of not being a burden to her, I hide alot from her x

It’s natural to worry when she is keeping you up to date then you hear nothing and it’s out of character to be out so late. My DD23 lives in London so I don’t know when she’s coming or going but if she calls and she’s out walking home at night I worry because now I know about it. You just have to trust that you’ve taught her all the right things and that she’ll be responsible. She’s out of order to be so harsh on you, you were worried.

Everything sounds muddled.

Sounds like she's your full time carer, unpaid, but in return lives rent free.
Her partner of 3 years but not father of 4yo pays rent.
You live together.
I take it she doesn't work if she looks after you and due to your disabilities you can't go out much? I presume you spend a lot of time together.

I don't think building an annexe of some sort will fix the issue.

There's no boundaries because everything is muddled.

This sounds so much like my situation with my Mum 😳 even down to the house situation/ her / your health issues etc etc. So strange reading this. I always felt I couldn’t leave my Mum as I felt she needed me, I never expressed that - and yes she cared for my dd a lot too (I had her at 22 and went back to work full time and my Mum did nursery pick ups etc then school pick ups etc) and it worked for a while but eventually I think we were both overly dependent on each other. Neither of us fully had our own lives and over time that became difficult. I was never really “all in” in my marriage/ relationships- left dds dad when she was 6 months old and remarried someone else, we all lived together with Mum, we jointly owned the house by then - because I think my primary relationship was with my Mum. (!) I think that’s what’s going on here. Long term it will be better for you and your dd if you do create a more separate and normal relationship between you. It doesn’t mean you can’t still care for your grandchild.

She's incredibly lucky to have a caring mother and a lovely home and no rent or mortgage stresses. Hope she remembers that soon.

We often take out anger and stress about unrelated issues on those we are closest to, because it's safe to do do. Her anger and throwing a tantrum might also be masking guilt because she knows she was wrong.

All very well for people to say just live alone and get on with but now I've read more of your situation it makes more sense.

For many living alone is a horrifying prospect and not for anyone to judge. It's also perfectly normal throughout the world for families to share homes, care and lives. We're all different.

You were in the right, it's quite possible she knows that but doesn't want to admit it. But provided it's a one off, and as you don't want to live alone, and assuming otherwise they treat you well, I'd let it blow over.

I would be exactly the same as you too.
I honestly don’t know why she’s being so harsh hence me putting the whole sinario on here. Thank you for your reply x

Is there the possibility that she was meeting up with another man? And she was worried she’d get caught out and the anger is actually misplaced anger about that?

A seven day wonder…… I absolutely love that!
I know she does & I wish she didn’t have too,
thank you for your reply xx

Why did her partner move in?

I 100% don’t think there was another man involved. That briefly crossed my mind, but she’s madly in love with her boyfriend.
To be honest, I think if that had been the case she would have told me.
I didn’t ask her because as close as we are I never want her to feel like she has to tell me everything if that makes sense xx

Thank you so so much for your message, I’m crying reading it.
That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t involve myself in aspects of her life though, I’m aware i don’t want things toxic so to speak.
I was just so worried because she was on her own.
A huge thank you again xx

I totally understand what you’re saying. I’ve told her to never ever feel like she has to stay with me.
I give her plenty of breathing space so to speak….. I’m always with my grandson & I absolutely love being with him.
The plan was i build something in the garden for me or a lodge type thing.
I often feel guilty that I’m not married ect. My daughter tells me how she loves our set up, that’s why I just can’t understand all this xx

your post has really given food for though so to speak & truly appreciate it xx

No she’s not my full time carer at all. Currently she’s doing a full time degree.
I get good days & bad days. Sometimes I’m in pj’s all day & i can’t do very much but I don’t expect her to cook or dress me type thing.
If it came to that I would most definitely put myself in a home.
You’re absolutely right, I don’t leave the house much.
I don’t want rent off her because I know how much I struggled being a single mother & if I have it to give & help her out, I think why not? As long as there’s no expectancy from her if that makes sense xx

Please don’t think I’m being sarcastic, how does everything sound muddled?
To be honest I just wanted to know if others would have worried about their adult child in the way I did x

No she’s not my full time carer, she’s doing a full time degree x

He moved in on a short term basis as he was moving house & it went from there.
I’m fully supportive of him living here as he really is a lovely man x

You sound over-involved with your daughter and far too enmeshed.

I'm sorry to hear about your health problems, Must be awful.

I'm a solo mum (since he was 6 months) to my son. He decided to go to Spain last week. I just waved him off. He knows he always has a place here.

And if he decides to stay there I give him my blessing. Because it's normal for our kids to follow their own path in life.

@Zelda7 an old Irish saying , I’ve had it said to myself today over a son situation x

did you have this argument when she got in? she was still probably under the influence
sleep on it, let the dust settle
ask her how she might feel if it was her son in the future out and uncontactable and drunk

but yes, you need to disentangle your lives

Yes many mothers still worry exactly like this about their adult DDs especially in the current toxic climate. It is absolutely normal but usually we wouldn’t know about their risk taking. In my opinion she is making herself vulnerable being drunk by herself at night in a ‘rough’ town. Maybe she felt you weren’t treating her like an adult, but you might have saved her night from turning out very badly. I’m sure she knows you love her. Maybe when she’s had time to reflect and sober up you can both talk calmly and hear each other's perspectives.

You definitely should not let them make you feel co fined to your room in your own home so just carry on normally and try to put a brave face on until you can clear the air. Parenting is still hard sometimes with adult DCs and living together must be very testing at times.

Thank you for your reply. I don’t think you’ve read all the comments I’ve put on here.
I asked, was I right to worry about her early hours Sunday morning.
I can assure you, I’m most definitely not over involved in her life, i honestly wouldn’t want that! I do however want to know she’s safe.
Had it been your son in my daughter’s situation would you have worried? That’s what I put here for advice x

Thank you for your very helpful reply x

I want to assure you that I would never stand in her way of anything! If she wanted to go to Spain like your son I would wave her off happily ( albeit crying inside lol) x

I can imagine how worried you were she should be ashamed of herself for leaving the baby so long with you. You took a risk with your safety going out that late but only because of her actions. She needs her own place she is not a little girl you should not feel like this in your own home. And for the boyfriend he may pay rent but I would kick him out for sure. No normal man of his age would think you were in the wrong hope you look after yourself op.