Lazy 20 yo won’t get out of bed!!

[Lifeatsea23]

I’m at the end of my tether with my 20 year old son. He has a job he loves, not full time hours, just what’s available maybe 20-25 per week. I’ve done the battle to get him to get a second job and given up!! He loves his job, loves the people.

Anyway to get to my point….

He is late all the time to work, after them being beyond fair, they’ve given him a final warning. You would think this is the kick up the ar** he needs but no. After 4 days late again but snuck in unnoticed!

I took to setting multiple alarms on my phone to make sure he’s up, but I cannot do it any longer, feel I’m making it worse. More stress for me! Although it felt like the lesser of two evils.

He has low confidence and self esteem so I feel him loosing the job he will spiral down! Hence why I’ve been getting him up. Some from abandonment trauma from his birth father.

He tells me he loves his job and people but yet puts it in jeopardy!

I’m a single parent, I work & also have a disabled child who needs 24/7 care. My other older child is under assessment currently for ADHD. I just cannot do this anymore! It’s been going on for so long maybe 2 years now. I didn’t know what time he was at work today and busy with my disabled child, he was late again. I’ve no idea if he will have a job now. He pays a bit of rent, not enough to cover what I lost by him leaving education but he pays what’s proportionate to his minimum wage job.

looked into my WiFi to turn it off at midnight as he is possibly up late gaming but Sky don’t have the option? Apparently the Sky Buddy that did this was discontinued.

He does his own cleaning, washing, cooking unless I’m cooking a large meal like a stew, hotpot etc. Runs his own car. Pays rent to me on time. Contributes to a family holiday we’re going on. He just cannot get out of bed!

No responses to kick him out please I couldn’t live with myself my child homeless on the streets or sleeping in his car. No family who can help. I’ve no support. I also can’t afford for him to loose his job, nor can he! Very rural, no buses etc near us so he needs the car for work.

The only issue is him not getting up! He doesn’t start work until 10am earliest!!!! I’ve bought him an extra loud alarm too but it’s not helped. He has his phone & 2 other alarms! Sleeps through them!!!

Anyone been through this? What did you do? Sorry this is so long!!!

It sounds like you don't have one DC with ADHD, you have two.

Have you talked to him about the possibility of having inattentive ADHD? Has he ever been for assessment?

I agree about the ADHD. I thought it before you actually mentioned it

Me too.

Never had an adhd assessment for him. Only just managed to get my other older child one and they’re 17! Don’t see any of the challenges I face with them. Just purely not getting up.

I feel his main issue is gaming through the night, not getting up in the morning.

He never hears his alarms. Or ignores them?! Idk. I’ve tried ALL the alarms.

He was due in work today at 11:30am and was late.

He will lay in bed all day! Sometimes still in bed and not been up all day when I get in from work at 4pm.

Come home regularly to dog poo & wee because I can’t get him to get up to take the dog out! He doesn’t wake for the phone or doorbell either.

My stress level are through the roof!

Have you asked him why he’s always late and tried to come up with a solution with him, as opposed to for him? He’s an adult, so needs to start adulting. Ask him what he thinks needs to happen.

The word lazy is not hopeful. First think is to work out you can sort the wife so its off in the night, secondly find out if he is sleeping and if not why not? Is it gaming or an issue? If needs to doctor’s appointment to get something to help.

Have you tried asking him what the issue is OP? You seem unsure if he isn’t hearing the alarms or is ignoring them for example which would be helpful in trying to figure out a solution. Ultimately he is an adult now and it is him that should be trying to figure this out and living with the consequences of not figuring it out, but I appreciate it’s also going to impact on you if he loses his job. I think the two of you need to sit down together and try to figure out a solution that he is on board with. Even if you were able to switch off wi-fi after a certain time I don’t think it’s reasonable to do this anyway (unless he agrees with you that this is a good strategy to help him manage this issue), as it would be treating him like a child.

Helpful

Has he always struggled with getting up in the mornings since he was a teen or is this just a recent issue?

Suggest you take his laptop away at midnight and put it in a locked drawer and hide the key, then give him something to help him sleep for the first few nights, until he gets into the pattern of falling asleep by midnight. Set alarms and open his blinds, maybe put a daylight lamp in his room if you have one, and put on loudish music that he likes. Make string coffee if he drinks it.

I know you shouldn't need to be nurse-maiding him through this at that age, but he does a lot else right and being supportive until he gets into the rhythm will really help. Also, get him to lay out clothes the night before, shower the night before so he just needs to get dressed, have coffee, clean teeth and go in the morning - a routine that could take 15 mins.

Buy an old fashioned alarm ⏰ but put it out of reach, so he has to get up to turn it off.

This all only started the first year of 6th form. He didn’t enjoy the course, couldn’t be bothered going in. He left to work full time instead (has only ever done the 20-25 hours he does now) and it’s been the same ever since. When he missed the 6th form bus I made him walk to the public bus stop which is a good 20/25 mins not an ideal walk, no pavements etc. So he definitely wasn’t better off missing the bus, wasn’t getting a lift etc.

If I get him up and then he’s not at work back to sleep he goes. If I get him up and there’s enough hours between that and work he goes back to sleep. He often has to get up to move his car as it blocks my car in so I know he is physically up. I’ve told him not to go back to bed, up, have a cup of tea, go in the lounge, walk the dog etc but he chooses to go back to bed. He always says he will change, stay up and get a cup of tea, not go back in his room but always goes back on it.

He is very routined in getting up, showered, work when…. He gets up on time. Washes his clothes regularly etc.

His responses go from I don’t know, I’m tired, I didn’t hear my alarm. Many conversations over 2 years where he agrees he needs to go to bed earlier, get more sleep and just doesn’t do it. I make him clean up after the dog and ask why he didn’t take him out and usually I get I don’t know. Sometimes he says he ignored the alarm others he didn’t hear it.

Sky doesn’t allow a time set up for WiFi so that’s my 1 option out the window. I go to sleep early as I’m usually up at 4/5am with his disabled sibling and I’ve been advised by sky not to turn the WiFi off constantly overnight or it will affect our strength idk maybe them loosing out on it being used all night!!! lol. Same with sky box they say they’re not to be turned off every night or it can break them,

He has a phone alarm, another at the other side of the room & one with a vibration pad. Also tried Alexa as an alarm in the past. They drive me nuts going off and he just sleeps through them. I can hear them all over the house if I’m in!

I’ve not taken his Xbox etc as it is his he bought with his own money. If he gets home and has been sacked today it might be another story!

The reason I’m unsure if he’s choosing to ignore his alarms is because I don’t know how someone can sleep through 3 different types of alarms when they know they need to be up. This goes for me phoning him too he will sleep through it. Especially if you knew you were going to loose a job you loved!

The sleep behaviour sounds like my XH who absolutely had (undiagnosed) inattentive ADHD. He just couldn't stay awake if his sleep cycle was disrupted and he had the issue of just not being able to go to sleep earlier than 1/2am no matter when he lay down.
My DS doesn't have ADHD but he has traits of the same sleep pattern and behaviour forming so I bought melatonin online and it works like a dream. Takes it an hour before bedtime and goes to sleep within 30 minutes of lying down, and up in the morning with minimal issue. He still doesn't hear the alarm and I have to wake him but it's totally different to before, when he would be literally so drowsy he could barely wake up, and miserable through the day from tiredness. Have you thought of suggesting that to him?

The reason I’m unsure if he’s choosing to ignore his alarms is because I don’t know how someone can sleep through 3 different types of alarms when they know they need to be up. This goes for me phoning him too he will sleep through it.

I doubt he's choosing to ignore them. My X was trying to stay asleep when I was yelling at him that the baby was coming soon and we needed to get to hospital. It's utterly bizarre and I'd never seen it before him but it's absolutely not a choice.

To add OwlWeiwei makes no difference the daylight alarm as I bought one or having blinds and curtains open. I need it pitch black but he can sleep with or without curtains open.

Bucket of cold water!?

I will look into it. I know a bit about it as it was looked into for my disabled LO but they are the opposite goes to sleep well but wakes up early so melatonin wouldn’t be helpful.

He’s already admitted to ignoring them so it is that too but I don’t know if it’s that all the time as he says sometimes ignores, sometimes doesn’t hear as asleep.

It’s coming I think haha. Our old house his door ended up with a crack down it from us banging on it trying to get him up!! He was downstairs so had a lock on to stop Sen sibling going in so banging on the door was the only option.

New rule: all gadgets, phone etc stays in the lounge from say 9pm. That ought to test the staying up late gaming or on his phone theory.

I have adhd and I have trouble getting off to sleep. Phone is makes it 100× worse.

It does sound like a sleep issue. Is he frustrated by it himself or worried about losing his job?

Whether the sleep issue is him staying up to game or just struggling to sleep for some reason is unclear. Melatonin might be worth a try. It sounds like he sleeps a lot generally, could he be depressed? (Doesn’t sound like he is on the face of it if he loves the job and does his laundry and cooking etc but then he isn’t able to look after the pets…). Does he smoke cannabis?

I wouldn’t personally take away his X-box because again this would be treating him like a child and not an adult. I understand the temptation but I don’t think it’s the right approach if you don’t want to be forever having to treat him like a teenager!

My 17 year old is like this, he’s waiting for an ADHD assessment too. It’s very stressful getting him up in the morning and he is also late for everything.

Interested to hear how or if a diagnosis makes any difference, I’m guessing it just relies on coping strategies same as it does for everyone else.

Umm...sorry op but you're creating a problem for yourself that doesn't exist. If he gets fired he gets fired. He's a grown up and has to learn from his own mistakes.

Chances are he can just find another job anyway.
Losing a job at 20 isn't a big deal. plenty of places needing staff right now.

If you're worried about his self esteem then the last thing you want to do is freak him out about this job being the be all and end all. It really isn't.

You're stressing yourself out for peanuts.

The way I see it, you have a son who does his share in the home and works. Good. Ease up on him.

Cutting of internet? No. He's an adult.

Stop babying him. Stop putting extra pressure on him. Basically stop micromanaging.

I'm really not trying to make excuses just help you understand the issue. When a person with disordered sleep like this is woken up in the middle of their sleep cycle they can hear, see, understand what's happening but they can't physically make themselves wake up and get up without a massive, massive effort. So when he says he ignores them he's not making a rational decision to just stay in bed and fuck off his job, he's pretty much unable to stay alert and awake enough to get up.

So the issue isn't he cannot get up in the morning but that he priorities gaming over a healthy routine. Whilst he may struggle to get up he doesn't get to sleep in a timely way that allows him to get up for work.

We all need a balance but he is prioritising leisure over work. This impacts on his sleep. Gaming is the first domino and completely within his control.