Lazy 20 yo won’t get out of bed!!

[Lifeatsea23]

I’m at the end of my tether with my 20 year old son. He has a job he loves, not full time hours, just what’s available maybe 20-25 per week. I’ve done the battle to get him to get a second job and given up!! He loves his job, loves the people.

Anyway to get to my point….

He is late all the time to work, after them being beyond fair, they’ve given him a final warning. You would think this is the kick up the ar** he needs but no. After 4 days late again but snuck in unnoticed!

I took to setting multiple alarms on my phone to make sure he’s up, but I cannot do it any longer, feel I’m making it worse. More stress for me! Although it felt like the lesser of two evils.

He has low confidence and self esteem so I feel him loosing the job he will spiral down! Hence why I’ve been getting him up. Some from abandonment trauma from his birth father.

He tells me he loves his job and people but yet puts it in jeopardy!

I’m a single parent, I work & also have a disabled child who needs 24/7 care. My other older child is under assessment currently for ADHD. I just cannot do this anymore! It’s been going on for so long maybe 2 years now. I didn’t know what time he was at work today and busy with my disabled child, he was late again. I’ve no idea if he will have a job now. He pays a bit of rent, not enough to cover what I lost by him leaving education but he pays what’s proportionate to his minimum wage job.

looked into my WiFi to turn it off at midnight as he is possibly up late gaming but Sky don’t have the option? Apparently the Sky Buddy that did this was discontinued.

He does his own cleaning, washing, cooking unless I’m cooking a large meal like a stew, hotpot etc. Runs his own car. Pays rent to me on time. Contributes to a family holiday we’re going on. He just cannot get out of bed!

No responses to kick him out please I couldn’t live with myself my child homeless on the streets or sleeping in his car. No family who can help. I’ve no support. I also can’t afford for him to loose his job, nor can he! Very rural, no buses etc near us so he needs the car for work.

The only issue is him not getting up! He doesn’t start work until 10am earliest!!!! I’ve bought him an extra loud alarm too but it’s not helped. He has his phone & 2 other alarms! Sleeps through them!!!

Anyone been through this? What did you do? Sorry this is so long!!!

And for heavebs sake stop making excuses for him like 'abandonment trauma' for a 20 year old MAN who's daddy left when he was a KID. You're setting him up to date thinking women should tolerate bullshit by making daft excuses like that.

But as is, he isn't doing you any wrong. You're doing yourself wrong by creating mountains out of molehills and babying him.

I'm not convinced that a label saying that he has ADHD is going to help in his situation.
Irrespective of diagnosis, he will still be late getting up on time.
Maybe medication would help but I'm not convinced that it would help in this situation.

I'm sorry but I think he needs to see the consequences ie being sacked.
He's too wrapped up in his own bubble like so very many young adults at the moment.
It's a growing concern amongst recruiters and employers.

Following for advice. My 17 yo can’t rouse himself unless I keep devices out of his room. He totally lacks the self control to stay off gaming. We’ve tried leaving him to his own devices (ha!) and it was disastrous.

ADHD very likely for all three of you.

Maybe he had a bloody good day gaming though! And maybe in his lie in he dreamed about marrying tailor swift and winning the lottery. Maybe his priorities aren't the same as yours. Maybe it was a good day to him.

Tbf though at 17 of course they need some guidance and input. At 20 they should be allowed free range to do a they please for the most part. So long as they do their share in the home and respect your property of course.

I think we worry too much about out children fitting into a certain box at a certain time. We all grew up. In time they will too. Let them get there in time.

If he gets fired I can’t afford him in the house so naturally it’s a big deal to me. And when things are tight now it obviously causes me stress.

It’s him who doesn’t want another job. He loves his job the owners are like family. He spends a lot of time with them, nights out, has meals round at theirs, BBQs etc so it isn’t just a job to him. Also why I can’t understand him putting it in jeopardy. And why they’ve given him more chances than he deserves.

I don’t want to baby him. He’s been brought up to be independent as has my other child.

If you're up at 4am/5am, is he still awake gaming then?
Maybe not that late, but he's probably gaming until 2am or so, I bet.
Take that away, and his phone and see if going to bed at 9.30pm.improves things.

PS...it's spelt "'losing' not 'loosing'.

How much rent is he paying?
How involved with the household finances is he?
You need to show him how much things cost. Suggest that he pays certain things from his own account perhaps. Have you told him that you cannot afford to house him if he cannot pay his way. Just lay it out 'this is how much it costs, this is how much you need to contribute to stay'.

If he works 25 hours a week and lives at home, he should have some savings left to tide him over until he finds a new job. Or he can sell a few things on ebay (games sell well). Just make sure he knows the cost and how much he must continue to contribute.

Treat him like an adult.
Because right now, you're sending mixed messages. He provably thinks he can stay irregardless and you'll just fix it. Because you have form for being a fixer rather than letting him fail and sucseed on.his.own.

If he's paying and you need the money, maybe consider doing a lodger agreement with him.

He’s seen all the bills so knows how much I pay. We’re in a fairly large house due to all his sibling’s medical needs & equipment so knows the rent & bills is higher than ordinarily.

He pays £150 a month which isn’t enough but his hours are not set and sometimes much less if business is quiet etc so that’s what we decided for now. He pays his car, fuel, phone and anything Xbox related also often own (non nutritious) food and likes to buy his own shower gels/deodrants. That amount only covers only my council tax bill! Yet he leaves his tv on all day and night as just sleeps with it on or goes to work and leaves it on.

If it was any old job I’d hoped he’d get sacked to show him the consequences but when they’re like his family it’s so hard. He’s worked there since 15. They supported him massively a few years ago too when I got my ex removed for DV & we all had to go to court then again after one of my parents passed unexpectedly as he was very close to them, so they’re important to him and him to them.

Lodger agreement sounds good.

When you say that Wi-Fi can't be turned off because the facility that allowed that has been discontinued, what do you mean exactly? What is stopping you from physically unplugging the broadband router that controls the Wi-Fi and locking it away at a certain time?

I understand you can't remove his gadgets from him, or stop him from accessing the internet on his phone via 4/5G, as he's 20 years old, but you do have some control.

As you say, you can't afford to keep a roof over his head if he's not contributing, so make sure you are prepared to enforce any rules you bring in or threaten. I don't say that in a mean way, it's a difficult position to be in.

It's possible he thinks your ex took advantage so he can too. Not saying that's necessarily the case of course as he is paying his own way for now at least.

I'd tell him that in 6 weeks time, the rent will increase to 350 per month so to factor that in with regards to his earning and spending. That if he wishes to stay after that date, he will need to do a lodger agreement with you. That if he suspects he may lose his job before then that he might be wise to start saving up now and have a cv ready. But that thats up to him ultimately.

350 is still a brilliant deal for him all things considered. A lodger agreement will also let gum see you are serious. And if he doesn't want to do it then he has 6 weeks left to find somewhere else to stay.

Thanks I’ll have a conversation with him. He said he fell asleep the night before at 1am on his game and then woke late for work at 11am, he was due at work at 11am. If he genuinely cannot wake mid cycle or to an alarm I don’t know what the answer is as there isn’t someone in to get him up and phone calls don’t wake him, I can’t phone anyway as I work in education. Food for thought though. But he needs to start finding a solution as a mostly functioning adult.

Sky discontinued the buddy app which meant you could set times etc. They’ve told me not to turn it off every night as it will affect our internet speeds, not great already, and they are not meant to be turned off. Same as the sky box it can break them. BT was so much better and you can set schedules per device but 3 x more expensive!

Looking into smart plugs, costs etc and I’ll turn everything off at a set time and they can be locked so he can’t turn it back on. Ridiculous for a 20 year old! But I’m looking after my own stress levels.

I still think it sounds as though he may have inattentive ADHD, especially as your other DS has been diagnosed.

Have a read of this and see if any of it sounds like your DS.

If he can do all his own cleaning, cooking, washing he doesn't have ADHD - much as MN likes to diagnose it for everyone.

It's the gaming. My nephew's the same. Games all night and sleeps til 4pm. Sometimes 8pm.

Poor dog - not being toiletted. I'd get the DS to pay for a dog walker as the dog shouldn't be neglected.

I suspect your issue is at the other end of the day with him getting to sleep at a time that allows him enough sleep to be refreshed in the morning. Does he want to change? If he’s motivated to, have a look at sleep hygiene techniques and if they don’t work after a week or so of consistency, have him visit the GP for advice and potentially a short course of meds to help reset his body clock.

If he can do all his own cleaning, cooking, washing he doesn't have ADHD - much as MN likes to diagnose it for everyone

Her other DS has ADHD and it's highly hereditary so there's a high chance he has it too. Nobody was diagnosing anyway, just suggesting it was a possibility worth exploring.

Is there any chance he has a sleep disorder? If he's wanting to sleep all the time and has difficulty waking, I wonder if it could be sleep apnea. He should see a GP to rule out any medical causes of his sleep issues.

Prob adhd. My bf struggles to keep jobs due to not wanting to get up at 6am. He's fine at 10am. Had a massive row over the weekend as he didn't wanna get up for the driving lesson he had arranged for 10am. Other than sitting on edge of bed and waking him up?

This definitely sounds like ADHD, I was diagnosed at 30 and I really struggle getting out of bed even for a job I love. In fact it's getting added to the US's criteria for diagnosis.
One thing to remember is that ADHD and autism are similar in that everyone is impacted at different levels of detriment. So perhaps because your younger son is so impacted by his maybe your older son gets overlooked or doesn't seem as impacting. Also ADHD is very often genetic, so the likelihood that both of them having it is very high.
I agree with others in that it could be inattentive.

That's not how ADHD works

You cant need his wage badly if he's only contributing 150 a month. I was giving 50 a week at 16! Stop babying him. It doesn't matter if he has ADHD or not, he needs to stop gaming all night and learn how to wake himself up on time. Christ.

If he can do all his own cleaning, cooking, washing he doesn't have ADHD.

This is incorrect.

I have a confirmed diagnosis of ADHD but was perfectly capable of doing all my chores when I lived at home as a teenager. I cooked, cleaned, washed, walked the dogs, etc. Quite frankly, my parents would have strung me up otherwise. If I'd stayed in bed like the OP's DS, I suspect my DF would have been throwing buckets of water over me from 6am until I got up. 😂

Why doesn't he just leave an alarm accross the room.

I wouldn't get up in the morning if I gamed unto the night either. I'd probably turn my alarm off and not remember even doing so.

He needs to set an actual alarm clock (or something not used for anything else) the day before and leave it accross the room.
Set another one for 20-40 minutes later too perhaps.

ADHD massively overdiagnosed.

it's the gaming.

Now about the poor dog ..