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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Adult dc(19) navigating Drs by themselves

65 replies

BrokenWing · 07/10/2023 20:54

Ds(19) has a Dr appointment on Tuesday. I know at 19 he should be dealing with this himself and going himself now but at the same time I know he wont advocate for himself, ask questions, say how much it is bothering him and there is the added complication if the next step is referral he could potentially be referred through my work health insurance and get seen quicker.

How did you handle it when they were an adult teen? Did you leave them to go themselves and hope they ask the questions, get the answers needed and push for the referral, or just go with them?

Ds is both fiercly independent but at the same time can be a bit too compliant and at a loss what to say as he has little experience of drs appointments. He thinks he "should" go himself as he is supposed to be an adult now but wants support too because he doesn't feel comfortable saying to the dr I want a referral now.

OP posts:
jlpth · 07/10/2023 20:56

Just go with him. There are no medals for being "independent". It's overrated. If you think about it, plenty of people would accompany their grown up spouse. I'd go with the 19yo.

Poniesandrainbows · 07/10/2023 20:59

I wouldn't accompany a 19 yo to the Dr's. I'd have been horrified if my mum had come with me as an adult.

50lessfat · 07/10/2023 21:00

My son was 16 when he changed his GP into his name (at my suggestion).

He handled everything by himself in appointments however, he knew he could ask me for advice or to attend with him.

Greenshake · 07/10/2023 21:00

Poniesandrainbows · 07/10/2023 20:59

I wouldn't accompany a 19 yo to the Dr's. I'd have been horrified if my mum had come with me as an adult.

This. He is an adult and needs to work these things out for himself.

50lessfat · 07/10/2023 21:02

Do you have internet consultations? I told my son to write on it what he wants specifically like referrals etc and then in an appointment just to refer to what he had written. Once there is a written audit trail GP’s have to justify why they did not refer when asked to by a patient. Our GP’s are great though so I can’t complain.

Mehmeh22 · 07/10/2023 21:03

How will he learn to advocate for himself if he's not able to gain experience? God, I'd be mortified if my mum came with me. Maybe go through with him the questions he could ask but please let him go alone.

Mrsgreen100 · 07/10/2023 21:08

I went to the doctor yesterday, never normally go , I wish I had gone with someone else ,
he was rude on the verge of shouting, two medical students in tow , actually I left got outside and cried ( not normal for me)
I felt beaten up tbh and not heard
I’m over 50 and a confident business woman.
I know they are over worked but I was appalled.

Original poster
BrokenWing · 07/10/2023 21:22

Completely understand those saying let him go alone and I agree in theory, but I can also see him coming out without the information he needs and with GP appointments being like gold dust here having to wait a long time for his next one while it gets worse.

He has done the econsults/photos, phone calls with dr, got past reception and booked the appointment for next week, picked up and taken his prescriptions, spoken to the pharmacist when he has questions etc over the last few months. But it is dragging on now, he needs a referral but I know if the dr doesn't offer he wont push for it.

How will he learn to advocate for himself if he's not able to gain experience?

How do they learn if they have never seen someone do it? He has been too healthy growing up he has no experience of going to Drs and watching someone do this. I have explained to him he needs to be honest with the dr even if it is a little embarrassing, but he will she away from it. He is also too polite and would think it rude questioning the dr rather than assertive.

OP posts:
Scutterbug · 07/10/2023 21:28

Mine all went alone from age 16. They would not have entertained me going with them. But if he is happy with you going then why not?

50lessfat · 07/10/2023 21:34

If he wants a referral and the GP refuses ask for the refusal to be documented in his notes then seek another appt with another GP in the practice or write to the practice manager for a review.

If you have private health insurance can you not seek a specialist referral directly?

If he is refused and he wants a quicker referral he can pay for a private GP referral and then use your private health insurance for the specialist.

He’s got to learn to advocate for himself however, that doesn’t mean you can’t still guide him

Oldthyme · 07/10/2023 21:36

My daughter was capable of seeing our GP on her own from Lower 6th form. I left her to it.
You’ll be surprised how articulate your lad can be (I expect) if you leave him to it.
Does he not have a say in whether you hold his hand for the consultation?

mynumber · 07/10/2023 21:38

Everyone is different.
I would go with him, let him take the lead and help guide him if needed.
When I've seen a specialist I take partner with me and I'm over 40 🤷‍♀️.
The important thing is getting the help needed not if he goes on his own or not.

Original poster
BrokenWing · 07/10/2023 21:41

He absolutely has the final say. I absolutely would not go or insist or pressure him to let me go.

The question is more if I should tell him to go himself if he is unsure, or doesn't feel confident or experienced enough to advocate for himself.

The point about teens being more articulate when parents are not there is probably true.

OP posts:
ClarkWGreaseball · 07/10/2023 21:48

I wouldn't bother asking on here OP. Just trust your instincts and go with what your son would like.

FWIW, I'd accompany my son if we were looking for a referral and a little nervous about what to say etc. why wouldn't you?

Lovestodrinkmilk · 07/10/2023 22:01

Go with, if he wants. Precious medical appointments are not the place to practice independence. It is SO easy to get bamboozled by medics looking to fob off as many patients as possible.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/10/2023 22:04

Poniesandrainbows · 07/10/2023 20:59

I wouldn't accompany a 19 yo to the Dr's. I'd have been horrified if my mum had come with me as an adult.

Dh often comes with me if I’m worried.

Whats wrong with taking another adult with you?

Whoopsmahoot · 07/10/2023 22:07

I go to some of my sons appointments but not all. He is 21. Hospitalised 6 times over last few years and likes the back up of me being there to advocate for him when he feels really bad. Sometimes having a life long illness affects his mental health and I haven’t been to those appointments- he doesn’t want me too. I’ve told him many times it’s up to him whether he wants me there or now - I follow his lead but will always be a support for him.

Butterkist8 · 07/10/2023 22:12

Just leave him be.
The doctor knows what to think and say. The doctor will prescribe accordingly.

If things don't get better your child will go back.

liveforsummer · 07/10/2023 22:13

On mumsnet you either struggle to leave dc alone in the house til their 25th birthday or cut them loose at 16 at let them navigate life themselves. There is no in between it seems. I'm sure for minor things your dd is more than capable but sometimes all of us need some support. Because he feels he should isn't reason to go alone if truly he doesn't want to. Absolutely fine to take someone along to any appointment if it makes it easier though, whatever your age and whoever it is.

LunaTheCat · 07/10/2023 22:13

Ask him if he wants you to come… say you would be happy to support him but let him talk to the doctor.. you know him and can speak up if he is struggling. I am a GP and parents often do this, anybody of any age can have a support person.
Just be aware that there are restrictions what GP’s can refer for , and sometimes extra tests need to be done or review made before doctor can refer…it’s heartbreaking for us too at times.
You sound like a lovely Mum.

Somanycats · 07/10/2023 22:20

Do whatever your son wants. Obviously he should be able to go on his own and if you did not exist I'm sure he would manage, but just like everyone else he can ask for support if he wants to. I'd happily go to an appointment with my mum, and I'd happily go with my son. Both are adults. Both are capable people.

Yoyoban · 07/10/2023 22:21

I'd go with him.

I'm 40 and take someone with me on occasion when I think I'll need support, I've also gone with various other adult members of my family to give them support when they need it.

Advocating for yourself is a skill that takes practice, and accessing appropriate healthcare is too important to let someone struggle with it when they haven't had that opportunity to practice, just because they've reached an arbitrary age.

If nothing else, depending on the issue, it can also be useful to have someone there to take notes allowing the patient to just concentrate on having the conversation.

Dacadactyl · 07/10/2023 22:25

I think by 19 he should be able to go himself and needs to learn to speak up. How has he booked the appointment? Is it an online form? At our doctors now it's recently gone online and they ask you what you want them to do on the form. So he could ask for a referral on the form if hes booked the appointment online.

Tbh the time he should've been doing this was from about age 14. Ever since that age, if DD needed an appointment, I made her phone to ask for one and we spoke about what she should say in the appointment etc beforehand. I would accompany her as a chaperone but I made her do all the talking (and would've prompted her as appropriate if she forgot something).

Cas112 · 07/10/2023 22:26

Ask him. This is his choice, if he wants you to go then go, if he doesn't (which I will think will be the case at his age) then don't go

CharlotteBog · 07/10/2023 22:41

I'd happily support my adult child if they wanted me to. It's an important appointment so no harm in having someone with you. At 19 he missed a couple of years of learning how to do these things due to the pandemic.

I would discuss with him before hand about what points/concerns/symptoms should be raised and check he was fine for me to speak up.

When I've accompanied my children to their appointments (dentist, optician, physio whatever) I always, always ask them if it's ok for me to speak.