Adult dc(19) navigating Drs by themselves

[BrokenWing]

Ds(19) has a Dr appointment on Tuesday. I know at 19 he should be dealing with this himself and going himself now but at the same time I know he wont advocate for himself, ask questions, say how much it is bothering him and there is the added complication if the next step is referral he could potentially be referred through my work health insurance and get seen quicker.

How did you handle it when they were an adult teen? Did you leave them to go themselves and hope they ask the questions, get the answers needed and push for the referral, or just go with them?

Ds is both fiercly independent but at the same time can be a bit too compliant and at a loss what to say as he has little experience of drs appointments. He thinks he "should" go himself as he is supposed to be an adult now but wants support too because he doesn't feel comfortable saying to the dr I want a referral now.

He hasnt been to the dr since he was about 8 until this recent issue so no opportunities to learn how to discuss personal or medical issues or to advocate for himself in this environment.

He has been sending in econsults and been getting prescriptions. He asked on the last econsult to see someone and they confirmed ok to make an appointment and he called and made it. Arranging the appointment time between uni/commute and PT work commitments. He took 8am, their first appointment of the day so he could then get straight to uni after in time for first lecture. He is very competent, this is just out his comfort and as he hasn't had a Dr appointment since 8 years old and he doesn't know what to expect.

I disagree with most of the replies, perhaps their DC have only ever had minor issues. One of my DC developed a serious condition whilst far away at uni. They did navigate it themselves because there was no choice and I'm very proud of them for it but it was a very stressful experience for them at a time they were dealing with significant health issues. Since they have come home I attend important appointments too. The NHS is wonderful but not very efficient and I am 30 years older, wiser and more experienced and know how to get progress and how to say/present things and be assertive, and we have found that has really been necessary at times. Like a PP said, it's not the right situation to cut them loose and hope they manage to get the treatment they need. Also simply having two people at appointments is much better for remembering what you are being told.

I literally had a kid, a landlord etc at his age. He will be OK. Just talk to him about it beforehand.

Can he advocate for himself at work or uni?

If there were issues at school or college (maybe issues with his course, a football team or whatever) did he advocate for himself there? I.E. did you advise him on the sorts of things to say and how to go about it, then leaving him to navigate the talking to the tutor/coach himself?

If so, those skills are transferrable. He may not have done it in a medical setting, but if you talk through it all with him beforehand e.g. push for a referral, don't be swayed by the doctor if they say x, y and z, he will be fine.

How do they learn if they have never seen someone do it?

You chat about it - give him the words You say 'you need to tell the doctor that you've tried x y and z for the last three months and they don't seem to have worked so you'd really appreciate it if they could arrange a referral'.

Did you ever see anyone advocate for themselves, or did you just do it?

It friends on the problem. Tonsillitis or glandular fever yes but either very unwell or complex problem he wants help with then discuss before hand,go together and let him lead it look to you if needed.
Most husbands and wives go together most people take someone.

Depends

I'd have been horrified and humiliated at that age if my mum had come with me to the GP/my hospital appointments.

For some appointments I asked my DM to accompany me to in my 20s! Sometimes because I want a second pair of ears, sometimes because it’s easier to advocate for someone else than yourself, and once because I was under the care of a consultant who would shout as soon as you started asking questions!

I also went undiagnosed with excruciating endometriosis for over 15 years, and wonder if medics would have been less successful at fobbing me off if I’d had my DM with me.

How will he learn to advocate for himself if he has you there to speak for him?

This might be partly why I think it might be good to go with him. If he gets the referral I would, I think, probably feel he would be ok going himself. It is that he may miss out on getting that referral if he doesn't communicate assertively or if he gets fobbed off at the gp appointment iykwim

If I do go I would coach him before and remain as silent as possible unless needed or be was missing out big chunks of important information (except for asking about the admin for the referral for my private health care)

Maybe go with him, but beforehand get him to list the questions he needs to ask and take it with him, let him ask those questions and answer everything. You stay in the background unless really needed. The next one he goes in himself.

If he wants you to go then go. My mum came to an appointment with me when I was 36! Plenty of adults want to have people with them when they feel vulnerable. It's not a sign of weakness to need others. There are no medals for doing it alone. If he is not bothered and wants you there just do it. Xxxxxx

If he's happy to have you there, just go with him. Go over with him what he needs to get across and let him lead the appointment. You're there as back up in case he doesn't get it across well or the doctor tries to fob him off or whatever.

Some GPs are arseholes, some people go to pieces in medical appointments etc. The important thing is that he gets the referral. He'll get better at advocating for himself but sometimes we all need a bit of help.

Ignore the people on here whose children were probably doing their own washing from age 6 and were travelling around Europe alone by age 12. 😅

I hope your son is ok.

If you want to help I would write notes including questions to ask on a post it for him. That's very helpful especially if he's nervous it's easy to forget things however old you are - I wrote iPhone notes with questions to ask before most midwife apts when I was pregnant!

Many people of all ages are accompanied by someone during appointments.

At some point in life perhaps he'll be able to handle going alone, sometimes ..if not all times.

Perhaps not, which is also perfectly acceptable.

If he asks you to accompany him at any age...it's up to you if you will go or not.

Perhaps sometimes you can wait in the waiting room, car, etc...and tell him to phone if needed.

I completely get where you're coming from and understand you worrying how he will ever advocate for himself if he hasn't seen someone else do it, but that applies to so many things in life and things we have to learn.. sometimes we just have to learn for ourselves as there won't always be the opportunity to see someone else do it first.
I wasn't brought up to be independent at all and my mum came with me to all appointments, health, opticians, dentist, hairdresser and usually did all the talking. When I was by far old enough to do it for myself I was too scared to as never given the opportunity and I was well into my 20s before I had the confidence to go to any appointment on my own. I'm not saying this is the case with you and your son, my point is that the best way to boost his confidence and get him standing up for himself is by giving him the opportunity to do so independently. But saying that, ultimately it is up to him if he would like you to go with him for support or not.

I totally agree with this. Plenty of adults take someone with them to GP appointments.

If it was something relatively minor where he was likely to be given a prescription or something, I'd maybe be encouraging him to go alone, but it sounds like he may need to be a bit more pushy than that, so if he's happy for you to be there then there's nothing wrong with that.

First time I went to the GP as an adult I was fairly overwhelmed; I hadn't had a GP appointment in years, so I didn't even know basics, like when they gave me a prescription, I had no idea what I was meant to do with it! I certainly wouldn't have dared to be pushy or anything.

Not everything in life needs to be done independently and has nothing to do with age. My almost 80 year old Dad had an appointment last week and was accompanied by my 75 year old Mum and my 51 year old sister. They asked my sister to go specifically because they no Dad won't be truthful to the doctor ("I'm fine") and Mum will get overwhelmed with information.
If he is ok with you being there then go.

At the end of the day its his decision and is personal choice

By default no you dont need to go with a 19yo to a GP appointment. If he wants someone there then by all means. It's perfectly reasonable to take someone with you as a second pair of ear

He might find he feels more comfortable to talk about his problems without his mum there, and is able to be more honest about his health

I don't think its reasonable to take your mum with you and let them lead the consultation. If you do go I would only involve myself if necessary. He does all the talking and you can prompt if he forgets to ask about the referral

I would expect him to have been in situations where he had to advocate for himself by 19, and he can only learn to do it by actually doing it.

It really depends on the situation. At 19 no-one would have been going with me (I went by myself from mid-teens) but I sometimes go with my child in their early 20s.

I would ask him what he wants. If he wants to go without you, respect that.

The reason I go with one of my children in their early 20s is because they have a specific medical condition, they want me there as a support and extra voice, they need a support person as they are dealing with difficult stuff. Before this got worse, they were starting to go by themselves. I've stepped back in to a higher level of support and will step out again when the time is right.

So, depends on your son's wishes and the circumstances.

He is an adult. Somethings he will learn quickly (by taking his mum's advice & for other reasons reasons) and somethings he will learn by mistakes (and the consequences) but either way he needs to be independent and take his own responsibility.

Unless it's life threatening, I think you should leave him to it.

Mine saw the Dr's alone from age 16 but talked to me if they wanted to. 19 seems a bit old to have you there tbh.

I would ask him what he wants.

so Dd is 22yo and has quite a few chronic and serious health conditions. She tends to go by herself now and has done for a while but she did ask me to go with her earlier this year as she was asking about a referral and said she was worried they wouldn’t listen/take her seriously.