Adult dc(19) navigating Drs by themselves

[BrokenWing]

Ds(19) has a Dr appointment on Tuesday. I know at 19 he should be dealing with this himself and going himself now but at the same time I know he wont advocate for himself, ask questions, say how much it is bothering him and there is the added complication if the next step is referral he could potentially be referred through my work health insurance and get seen quicker.

How did you handle it when they were an adult teen? Did you leave them to go themselves and hope they ask the questions, get the answers needed and push for the referral, or just go with them?

Ds is both fiercly independent but at the same time can be a bit too compliant and at a loss what to say as he has little experience of drs appointments. He thinks he "should" go himself as he is supposed to be an adult now but wants support too because he doesn't feel comfortable saying to the dr I want a referral now.

DS has had a couple of virtual appointments with a Dr recently he wanted me to sit there but not really take part.

Perhaps you could work out a list of symptoms and things to ask between you?

Jeezo i cant imagine dh accompanying me to the drs or vice versa...maybe when we are elderly and infirm but hopefully thats not for a while....

I don't think that's true about husbands and wives. DH and I have never been to each others appointments and most people in waiting rooms are sitting alone that I see.

I take my adult dd but she has autism and selectively won't have all to strangers, never been an issue and they never have asked for proof why I'm there

GPs, yes, mostly alone. Specialists offices (which I spend way too much time in, caring for someone else), most people do have someone with them.

I'd be mortified if I raised a child to an adult, that can't adult (all the usual nd disclaimers obviously).

I'd be mortified if I raised a child to an adult who then felt unable to approach their parent for support to navigate a situation unfamiliar to them.

I'd have been horrified if i felt that I needed a parent at my doctor's appointment at 19. Failure to launch indeed.

Initially I thought that if course he should go it alone but there seems to be an ongoing issue and I think that a lot of people would like some support at this stage. I would offer to go under the circumstances.

Exactly, how has he got to 19 without being able to conduct an appointment himself

Why are people being so bitchy on the thread. Why does it matter if he's 19. For some people it's just better to have support and a second voice (or ear) at medical appointments.
@BrokenWing if he is ok with you going - go with him.
Jeez no wonder many men don't seek out medical support if these are the bitchy responses they get.

It's difficult, and I get where you're coming from OP. DS has a chronic condiiton that worsens if not properly managed. He's now in his 20s and moved out of home straight after university. He's due home for a visit in the next few weeks and I know it'll be out of hand again. I haven't been to the doctor with him since he was 17, but it's really obvious that he isn't always advocating strongly for himself. He was once fobbed off with a nurse practitioner who didn't look at the history, completely misdiagnosed and recommended an OTC treatment, which he dutifully bought and which actually exacerbated the condition. On that occasion I got him an emergency appointment and told him exactly what to say to get it rectified - we should really have complained. I'd love to go with him, but he'd be horrifed, so I just have to let him get on with it.

In the end we had a chat and I sent him a text with what he needed to ask about the referral letter and he went himself (and as I am on annual leave this week I got a lie in 🤣)

He was in for literally 2 mins, they said yes it is time to refer now (he isn't sure if it was a Dr or another HCP he saw) and they have sent an electronic NHS referral and said it will possibly take several weeks/months.

He asked for a referral letter for my company's private medical cover, and I am not sure what he asked or what they said to him but he wasn't clear how/when he would get that so he had to phone up to clarify and after a couple of phone calls back and forth as they did not seem clear on what he needed they eventually spoke to me on the phone and have now sent an email over to him with a copy of the referral and a private referral request has been logged so hopefully he will be seen sooner. 👍

For those saying "how did he get to 19 an not able to navigate appointments" - he is very competent - he does his own dentist appointments which are more regular because he suffers from sometimes very painful TMJ, he does eye appointments, car MOTs, student finance, banking, works PT as bar staff, arranged his own holidays abroad with the lads last year etc etc - all the stuff you would expect a young adult to do.

I'm glad it worked out ok and he managed on his own, but after reading and reflecting on every post I don't believe there is a right or wrong if anyone's young adult child wants and needs a bit of support at the Drs - especially in our case where he did not had any prior opportunities of learning by going to a Drs previously and there might be resistance to a referral request.

What I do, very strongly, believe is when it comes to medical issues no parent should be made to feel as if they have been inadequate raising their young adult or think their young adult is somehow inferior if they would not feel "horrified", "humiliated", or "mortified" and they ask for or accept support when they need it at a time they might be struggling with a medical situation.

Thank you for every post, they all gave me something to think about.

I am so glad went well for him…you’re a lovely Mum.

I'm glad it went well.

My DD1 insisted on doing doctors alone from around age 17. As a result when things were not getting resolved I was totally out of the loop which in my opinion lead to some serious issues not getting diagnosed / referred early enough which meant she was in considerable pain for a lot (years) longer than needed.

She's 'grown up' now and lets me help again where needed. Part of being an adult is knowing when to ask for help.