Unmotivated adult child refusing to work or leave home

[BBU]

My sister is now 23 years old, graduated from university over a year ago and has since just lived at home and not made any effort to find a job / earn any money. Part of this is my parents fault - because they were very busy when we were younger with work and weren’t very present, they’ve always felt quite guilty and have tried to make up for it by being very generous with money. As a result my sister has never worked a day in her life, always received an allowance from our parents and continue to do so. My parents just assumed this would stop when she graduated and started working.

Since finishing university, she has just stayed at home - playing computer games, watching tv, sleeping. She doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t like to leave the house. When my mum has tried to talk to her about needing to find a job and becoming independent, it’s always ended badly with her crying and saying she’d rather kill herself. The situation has got worse recently as my parents both retired last month and they hadn’t factored in needing to support another adult in retirement, so feeling the strain financially.

When I’ve tried to talk to my sister about finding a job, her response is she doesn’t like the idea of “answering to a boss” and “being forced to do things she doesn’t like”. When I’ve tried to explain that not all work is like that, I get very teenage responses like “my lecturer at university said that was exactly what it’s like” and “I look at your life and would die if I had to live it”.

My parents don’t know what to do as they’re worried she’ll hurt herself if they push her too hard. They are asking me to “help” her because she usually listens to me more but I’m not sure I know what to do either. They’ve stopped giving her an allowance since retirement but they still pay for everything around the house and she has mum’s credit card which she shops on…

What is your sister’s plan when your parents are dead and the money stops ?

Does she have undiagnosed ASd?

Your parents need to make life tricky for her at home. She won't change whilst she is being facilitated. After long periods of being at home a lot (in the past) I started to not go out etc. That is also a psychological thing - the more you stay in the less you want to engage with the outside world. She won't shift herself unless she gets a metaphorical kick up the bum. Perhaps point out to her that her threats of harming herself or living off her parents is completely unfair. Her language is all very teenage and dramatic.

Why would she hurt herself if some boundaries are enforced? Has she done that before, or threatened to?

I'd remove the credit card and put in place a contribution to household bills paid from whatever benefits she is eligible to claim whilst not working. I would expect her to be actively job seeking, daily.

Why is everyone tiptoeing around her at the moment?

You're powerless to do anything OP. Your sister feels no motivation to work because she doesn't need to. That will only change if your parents stop financing her lifestyle.

They're not being kind to her by enabling this behaviour. I'd work on getting your parents to see that they are doing her a huge disservice by not forcing her to stand on her own two feet. The longer it goes on the less she'll be capable of getting a job.

What's her degree in?

It sounds like she's quite depressed from how you describe her behaviour. Perhaps looking into getting her some help for her mental health might be a good first step, motivation may follow

Has anyone sat her down and said.

'As parents we have funded your life until you became an adult with love and support, now we are retired which means we have to live on our pensions for the rest of our lives, and understandably cannot afford to support you, and it would be selfish of you to expect us to, as we are getting old.

So we need you to be contributing x towards the running of the house, food, electric, gas, etc by x date (6 months seems fair) or we will have to ask you to find a flat by then like most 23 year olds have done. Talk to us when you have a plan in place.'

Then walk away
do not engage with tears and tantrums,
Repeat, repeat, repeat as neccessary.
Eventually the penny will drop.
She is a spoilt brat and being very unkind to your parents. Cut up the card.

It sounds like she may have depression, would she consider seeing GP or counsellor? Otherwise, perhaps some tough love, e.g, your parents not giving her any money, and saying that by xx date she will need to contribute to bills, food etc.

Your parents have created this situation. It does sound like she may have depression though. Has she actually got a degree? What did she do at Uni?
I agree they need to sit her down and tell her the handouts are stopping, take the credit card off her and make her an appointment with her GP. Once they have stopped enabling her, she will change.

Sounds like your parents need to stop paying for the things she enjoys, basic meals and that's it. I'm sure having no funds will motivate her to get a paying job.
23 and behaving like that is ridiculous, if you're not careful your parents will end up trying to move her in with you and then she'll be your problem.

The parents need to kick her out.

Of course she's acting like a spoiled infant, she's been wrapped up in cotton wool and pampered her entire life.

She won't ever stop acting like a child until she's forced to.

Your parents need to toughen up and deal with this problem (which they have created) rather than trying to hand it over to you. Are they normally prone to avoiding conflict at any price?

I feel its your parents who need sitting down and being talked to not your sister get them to take the credit card from her and tell them to stop enabling her for her own good as stated previously what would happen if your parents where no longer here she would have to manage then.

Inheritance, presumably.

Getting her to leave is the only way forward.

If she slumps and makes nothing of herself she only has herself to blame as her destiny is in her hands.

Most likely she will come to her senses and become proactive in bettering herself.

Kicking her out will only make her homeless and cause even more worry to your parents. She definitely needs some help with her mental health but it may be difficult to persuade her of this. In the meantime, they need to start making life uncomfortable for her. Stop her allowance. Stop her mobile phone contract. Cut off her access to the internet and any streaming services (by changing passwords or whatever). If she needs internet access for job hunting they can arrange for her to use their laptop(s).

Your parents might find Dr Tanya Byron's response to a letter about a similar scenario (failure to launch) helpful:

www.thetimes.co.uk/article/d563e28e-92a6-11ed-8b99-f233af7a7956?shareToken=e8d0300ef17dd57e1c2acbca4f0b056f

When pushed too hard on this, her response has basically suggested she’ll end her life then if it gets too hard. Which freaks my parents out.

My parents are sensitive as we lost a close family member due to depression a few years ago and they’re terrified it’ll happen to my sister too. They go between wanting to be harsh on her and worrying if they push her too far, they’ll lose her and have even considered going back to work to support her financially.

She has a design degree and all her classmates have had no issues getting jobs, although not highly paid (yet!). She wasn’t adverse to it when she was studying - she just thought it’ll be easy but when the jobs didn’t come (and she hardly applied for any), she decided it wasn’t for her.

This is definitely on our radar as we had a close family member suffer from depression. My parents have taken her to the GP whose diagnosis was that if anything, it was a very mild form of depression. They recommended counselling in the first instance but my sister has refused to follow up or go. We are trying to get her to see someone though as that feels like the least we can get her to do.

Idk my boyfriend was like this at that age. Living with parents, depressed. This was 20 years ago and I didn't know him then.

Mid 20s he got a job and now he has a decent career and owns a home outright. He was depressed and needed support.

Everything doesn't have to be ton of bricks approach and OP sounds too heavily invested in her sisters life. Its up to her parents to deal with this.

That’s definitely my worry too - I love my sister but I have an extremely busy job and we’re thinking of starting a family soon, so looking after another adult is out of the picture. My mum has on occasion said things to me like: “when we die, you’ll have to make sure your sister is looked after” but I’ve made it quite clearly I can’t support a fully grown adult.

At my wedding last year my sister had a complete breakdown because “you’re like a mother to me and I can’t handle the idea of you having your own family”, which made me a bit sad but also quite scared about their expectations on me. I am about 10 years older than my sister so I can see why she sees me that way…

Would freelancing be an option for her if it’s the idea of working for a boss and being answerable that’s upsetting her? She must enjoy design if she has a degree in it.

I’d be telling your parents to stop her allowance and sign onto UC so they can help her with courses to set herself up as self employed. It would ease the pressure on your parents financially too, while she finds her feet.

My parents were quite strict with us growing up and definitely went very hard on me - essentially supported myself during university, moved out when I was 18 and pushed me to do a high achieving but very stressful job. I think it’s the threats of ending her life that makes them weary due to losing a close family member that way - but my sister also knows that’s a sore spot for my parents.