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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Unmotivated adult child refusing to work or leave home

89 replies

BBU · 25/09/2023 10:06

My sister is now 23 years old, graduated from university over a year ago and has since just lived at home and not made any effort to find a job / earn any money. Part of this is my parents fault - because they were very busy when we were younger with work and weren’t very present, they’ve always felt quite guilty and have tried to make up for it by being very generous with money. As a result my sister has never worked a day in her life, always received an allowance from our parents and continue to do so. My parents just assumed this would stop when she graduated and started working.

Since finishing university, she has just stayed at home - playing computer games, watching tv, sleeping. She doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t like to leave the house. When my mum has tried to talk to her about needing to find a job and becoming independent, it’s always ended badly with her crying and saying she’d rather kill herself. The situation has got worse recently as my parents both retired last month and they hadn’t factored in needing to support another adult in retirement, so feeling the strain financially.

When I’ve tried to talk to my sister about finding a job, her response is she doesn’t like the idea of “answering to a boss” and “being forced to do things she doesn’t like”. When I’ve tried to explain that not all work is like that, I get very teenage responses like “my lecturer at university said that was exactly what it’s like” and “I look at your life and would die if I had to live it”.

My parents don’t know what to do as they’re worried she’ll hurt herself if they push her too hard. They are asking me to “help” her because she usually listens to me more but I’m not sure I know what to do either. They’ve stopped giving her an allowance since retirement but they still pay for everything around the house and she has mum’s credit card which she shops on…

OP posts:

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 13:33

thank you!’ Will share this

OP posts:

twilightcafe · 25/09/2023 13:34

Harsh but this is your parents' problem to solve. They have enabled your sister to behave like this and take no responsibility for her life.
And now they are trying to pass the buck to you.
If your sister moves in with you, she will mooch off you and will never leave.

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 13:35

Thank you! This is positive to know - unfortunately my parents have a habit of trying to make my sister’s upbringing my problem because I’m a lot older than her and she often claims to only want to listen to me and not my parents. However she’s definitely not listening to me and not wanting to talk to me at the moment.

OP posts:

Notlaughingalot · 25/09/2023 13:39

BBU · 25/09/2023 13:24

When pushed too hard on this, her response has basically suggested she’ll end her life then if it gets too hard. Which freaks my parents out.

That's emotional blackmail. She's being very selfish, expecting someone else to fund her lifestyle.

Your parents need to stop enabling her. She has a degree, she can think for herself and she needs to start applying for jobs.

Maybe we'd all like to spend our lives watching TV and sleeping, but that's not how the world works.

tribpot · 25/09/2023 13:41

The barest minimum is to get that card back off her. She shouldn't be using it anyway as she's not the card holder. And nothing will change whilst she still has free use of someone else's money.

Aquamarine1029 · 25/09/2023 14:00

Your parents have created this monster and they are still choosing to feed it.

If I were you, I'd get tough on your parents. Tell them to stop being doormats, take away the bloody credit card and and her cell phone, and to stop allowing themselves to be manipulated by their own child. I would then be telling them that it's their job to fix this mess, not yours. Take about 100 steps back from this disaster.

drspouse · 25/09/2023 14:03

Show your parents this book. It says "child" but it's about accommodating your child not doing things they can do whether they are small or adult. The author researches using this technique with FTL.

Breaking Free of Child Anxiety and OCD: A Scientifically Proven Program for Parents amzn.eu/d/3TTT9ua

AngelAurora · 25/09/2023 14:07

It's your Parents job to sort this out not yours. So long as they keep doing it there is nothing you can do.

MMBaranova · 25/09/2023 14:13

Consider stepping away for a while. Initially a month?

Tell all three that this is making you unhappy and you need a break.

NC and stick to it. Check in with a refreshed eye after that and take it from there.

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 14:18

Thank you! The consistent message on here makes me feel a lot better. I will try and step away - have had my parents tell me I’m being selfish before when I’ve tried to say things aren’t my problem etc so I want to make sure I’m not being ridiculous / feeling that the whole situation is ridiculous.

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:30

It's annoying for you that your parents can't set boundaries with her so they are trying to outsource the parenting to you. Not fair and not your job to be their carrier pigeon.

They need to set some clear rules and boundaries and if she keeps threatening suicide then take her to her gp or call a helpline for advice .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 25/09/2023 14:35

Her degree sounds like a very easy one to get a little bit of free lance work with. Then she won't have a boss and can only take on clients she likes. Perhaps she could have a chat with her unis careers service if she's still eligible or another jobs coach?

tribpot · 25/09/2023 14:52

Your parents sound as if they've never really got the hang of parenting. In this case, though, you've tried what they wanted 'she only listens to you' and it hasn't worked. Back over to you, Mum and Dad - you're the parents.

JJ8765 · 25/09/2023 14:56

If you are in England is she claiming UC? There will be support avail via job coaches. My son just left uni and took a while to get a part time job (supposed be saving for travel) but did engage with the service which seemed supportive eg helping with cv, job fairs and not pushing him into any job. Id also suggest volunteering - there will be something art and design related eg with children or adults with disabilities or in a theatre group. She needs to get her confidence back and get out the house and socialise and then hopefully other things will follow. There are also Xmas jobs everywhere any job is better than sitting at home doing nothing. Your parents could say get a job between now and xmas as a starting point even if it’s only for the social life.

WhereYouLeftIt · 25/09/2023 15:05

BBU · 25/09/2023 13:24

When pushed too hard on this, her response has basically suggested she’ll end her life then if it gets too hard. Which freaks my parents out.

Or to put it another way - she's found out how to stop a conversation she doesn't want to have, and does so.

She has no intention of ending her life, just of controlling theirs! Your parents need to toughen up and stop caving in to her. Or she'll still be in her bedroom when they die of old age, and then what? Actually, that's a question you all need to put to her. What are you going to do when they're dead?

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 15:08

We have suggested UC but she’s not willing to engage (as she knows they’ll also pressure her to look for a job) and she thinks it’s embarrassing…

OP posts:

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 15:09

Yes exactly. She has been saying for many years she wants to inherit the house - which my parents have agreed and I have to energy to argue against. But it is dawning on everyone that she won’t even be able to afford the upkeep of the house. The reality is she could probably sell the house and live off that for many years given where house prices are but that’s not really a solution…

OP posts:

TomatoSandwiches · 25/09/2023 15:15

I would absolutely start making myself unavailable to them all and only get in contact when it suits yourself op.
Perhaps suggest to your parents that they sell up and buy a 1 bedroomed house/apartment to help git rid and also free up some funds for retirement.
Essentially this isn't your problem and ignore any comments from them suggesting you are selfish, no, she is their child, they fucked up, not you.

Blough · 25/09/2023 15:16

Pressing ‘reply’ only replys to the thread, not whichever post you’re responding to.
Your parents are passing their inept parenting on to you and calling you ‘selfish’ is appalling behaviour. Say ‘how dare you, you created this problem, you sort it, after that name calling, I decline to help you with your problem at all.’ If you see them and they whine about their daughter, change the subject, or just leave.

usernother · 25/09/2023 15:16

Your parents could start by changing the Wi-Fi password in the home so she can't access it to play games etc. Your mum should also cancel her credit card and tell your sister she can't afford it any longer. Little things but they may affect your sister considerably.

Flopsythebunny · 25/09/2023 15:34

FFS when are parents of children this age going to actually do some parenting?
Our job as parents is to bring up our children to be independent useful members of society.
Why are there so many posts on mumsnet about near identicle problems of adult children taking the piss like this.
Your sister needs a short, sharp shock and it being pointed out to her that she's being emotionally abusive to your parents and that your parents are pathetic for letting her get away with this behaviour.

coxesorangepippin · 25/09/2023 15:37

Not your responsibility.

Your parents need to step up

MovinInCircles · 25/09/2023 15:38

Oh god i relate to this...I just posted about it elsewhere but my 33 year old brother still lives with my parents, chronically online/ plays video-games, hasn't worked in years. He does have serious depression, but that doesn't totally account for the way he treats them/doesn't help out. My parents have enough to support him financially at home I suppose, but one day they will pass on and I fear the expectation is that it will fall to me to care for him as my other brother has his own family and is checked out. Re: your sister, all I can say is it gets much much worse the longer she lives at home to change her habits. But there needs to be some incentive/it can't be a punishment to move out otherwise she won't do so willingly/will fail to thrive. Living at home needs to be less comfortable (more chores? paying rent at home? paying utilities? cooking her own meals?) and living out in the world needs to be more attractive (can she live with friends/roommates? what about a fun job to start?). There's still time now while she's relatively young to make her excited about life and see being independent/working as superior to living alone in a bedroom for the rest of her life....I have also had issues with working/"doing things i don't want to do", but being able to buy the things i want to is a motivation to me, as is keeping up socially. The problem with spending too much time online is there isn't social pressure to participate in society and you don't really need money so that's lost as an incentive...

Findyourneutralspace · 25/09/2023 15:46

She may not want to claim UC but she needs to be put in a position where it’s that or get a job. While she has free reign on their credit card, what incentive is there for her to change?

I haven’t commented on the threats to end her life because it is impossible to know how serious she is, but if for one minute they believe she is actively suicidal then they need to call 999 or the local crisis team.

KimWexlersPonyTail · 25/09/2023 15:52

Working hard really helped my depression when i was her age.
Threatening suicide is emotional abuse
I wonder if when your parents become frail she will do all the elder care, or then decide to bugger off and leave it to you.

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