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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Unmotivated adult child refusing to work or leave home

89 replies

BBU · 25/09/2023 10:06

My sister is now 23 years old, graduated from university over a year ago and has since just lived at home and not made any effort to find a job / earn any money. Part of this is my parents fault - because they were very busy when we were younger with work and weren’t very present, they’ve always felt quite guilty and have tried to make up for it by being very generous with money. As a result my sister has never worked a day in her life, always received an allowance from our parents and continue to do so. My parents just assumed this would stop when she graduated and started working.

Since finishing university, she has just stayed at home - playing computer games, watching tv, sleeping. She doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t like to leave the house. When my mum has tried to talk to her about needing to find a job and becoming independent, it’s always ended badly with her crying and saying she’d rather kill herself. The situation has got worse recently as my parents both retired last month and they hadn’t factored in needing to support another adult in retirement, so feeling the strain financially.

When I’ve tried to talk to my sister about finding a job, her response is she doesn’t like the idea of “answering to a boss” and “being forced to do things she doesn’t like”. When I’ve tried to explain that not all work is like that, I get very teenage responses like “my lecturer at university said that was exactly what it’s like” and “I look at your life and would die if I had to live it”.

My parents don’t know what to do as they’re worried she’ll hurt herself if they push her too hard. They are asking me to “help” her because she usually listens to me more but I’m not sure I know what to do either. They’ve stopped giving her an allowance since retirement but they still pay for everything around the house and she has mum’s credit card which she shops on…

OP posts:

pompomdaisy · 25/09/2023 20:07

She sounds like my niece. She was 32 when she eventually stopped being parasitic. That's only cos she was left some money. She was also spoilt due to guilt of parents splitting and threats she made that everything that everyone else did was affecting her poor mental health. It was pathetic to watch!

jlpth · 25/09/2023 20:10

Your parents will have to deal with this problem, or accept that it will continue and carry on financing your sister.

I would stay out of it and get on with your own life.

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 20:30

BodgerBadgerMashup · 25/09/2023 17:23

Hi OP I'm the younger sister with a similar age gap and my sis is also a bit of a "second mum"/ wiser adult who I have relied on for advice and support. Being honest, there are (occasional) times she's had to tell me some uncomfortable home truths, and it IS much better coming from your sister than your parents.
I don't think it's your responsibility but your parents are right that she might respond better to your intervention then theirs.

That said, I think you ask need to agree to present a United front. You could agree to deliver the difficult message but mum and dad (when she comes wailing back) need to say "BBU is right and we all agree that it's now time for you to start [paying rent, earning money, engaging with career coaching/ counselling, whatever]" and not pander to her.

You can be clear that you love her, will be there to support her in any way you can (not having her move in rent free obvs 😉) but that you can't sit back and watch a capable, talented young person waste their youth doing nothing.

PPs are right that she sounds depressed and may have much lower self esteem so be prepared to engage and offer sympathy but be clear that these problems are only likely to get worse unless she engages with some outside help.

Best of luck! You sound like an awesome sister xx

Thank you!! This is comforting and great to have a younger sister perspective. Honestly I left home when she was so young (about 7 years old) that I don’t think I’ve second parented her at all to deserve her seeing me that way - but I think because we haven’t spent that long together, she feels less comfortable being ridiculous with me than with our parents who do pander to her (they’ve mellowed out a lot as parents as they got older as is common).

OP posts:

angeltattoo · 25/09/2023 21:09

Your parents have bought her a flat, have agreed to entirely leave their house to just her and not 50:50, and expect you to take financial and emotional responsibility for her?
That's a huge kick in the teeth...

FictionalCharacter · 25/09/2023 21:13

BBU · 25/09/2023 17:29

Never - and when asked, she says she doesn’t want any of that. When she heard that my husband and I were considering children she was absolutely shocked and … quite frankly … disgusted, which I told her was quite rude.

Show quote history

There’s something going on with her that isn’t depression. She’s extremely immature, childish in her thinking. Disgust at the idea of children, saying she doesn’t want to grow up, playing games a lot, doesn’t want to work because she doesn’t want to be told what to do. This is more like the thinking of a 13 year old than a 23 year old.
Your parents should go back to the gp and ask for further assessment.

Duckingella · 25/09/2023 21:23

Has she ever had any sort of job?

To those suggesting she has ASD;having ASD doesn't mean she can't work;my 18 year DD is on a full time college course and works part time in a catering job alongside it.

I think The difference between my husband and I and your parents is we are determined not to let her fail to thrive.

On the other side of the coin;I like you have a sibling a decade younger who my parents have never pushed to thrive either.

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 21:26

angeltattoo · 25/09/2023 21:09

I know. At one point I was upset but the reality is I’m probably going to be a lot more financially comfortable than my sister ever will be (all super hard work though) and it’s easier this way than argue.

Another complication is it’s not my real “dad” - it’s my step dad but my sisters real dad and he’s always been unhappy with how much money my mum spent on me (we both got public school education and did lots of extra curriculars etc) when I wasn’t his child but it was “his” money too etc etc but that’s a story for another day…

OP posts:

Lancelottie · 25/09/2023 21:28

Well done Ducking and daughter! My son with ASD (to a level that meant he needed one to one help throughout school) is also employed full-time at present. Precariously, with a lot of propping up from our end, but full-time.

But it's different if you don't know what you're dealing with.

Original poster

BBU · 25/09/2023 21:29

Duckingella · 25/09/2023 21:23

Has she ever had any sort of job?

To those suggesting she has ASD;having ASD doesn't mean she can't work;my 18 year DD is on a full time college course and works part time in a catering job alongside it.

I think The difference between my husband and I and your parents is we are determined not to let her fail to thrive.

On the other side of the coin;I like you have a sibling a decade younger who my parents have never pushed to thrive either.

She’s never had a job. She didn’t do very well at school and my parents were very concerned about her grades so encouraged her to spend more time studying and to not worry about money / finances.

We encouraged her to get a part time job at university but once she settled in, it was covid so most jobs were out of question. Then we’re here today.

There is definitely a difference for much younger children - my mum had her in her 40s and by then was a lot more mellow as a parent and let her get away with basically anything

OP posts:

Sundaefraise · 25/09/2023 21:40

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/09/2023 18:21

I’m going to stick my neck out here. She sounds undiagnosed ASD.

No friends
No past relationships
No desire for a social life
No desire for a relationship
Scared of getting a job.
Prefers to stay at home.

l have an ASs Dd 17. I’m terrified of failure to launch, but she easily gets overwhelmed and retreats.

I think your first point of call is a GP. This sounds like very anxious avoidant behaviour to me.

I think you’re absolutely right. My dd with asd is slightly younger, but I could totally see this being her at some point.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 25/09/2023 21:59

Duckingella · 25/09/2023 21:23

Has she ever had any sort of job?

To those suggesting she has ASD;having ASD doesn't mean she can't work;my 18 year DD is on a full time college course and works part time in a catering job alongside it.

I think The difference between my husband and I and your parents is we are determined not to let her fail to thrive.

On the other side of the coin;I like you have a sibling a decade younger who my parents have never pushed to thrive either.

But ASD presents in lots of different ways. Mine has social anxiety and mutism, even though she’s high functioning.

I was determined to make her move fowards too. But she self harmed and is now in burnout. It’s not always about what you want them to do. I still desperately hope she moves on.

autienotnaughty · 26/09/2023 03:25

They need to give her a time frame to find a job/pay rent. Say 3 months. Then be firm, no cc, money, phone , internet access. She could work in a supermarket and contribute

SillySausagez · 26/09/2023 03:56

I thought ASD too.

Start small … small steps … help her find some voluntary work she might enjoy (one day a week) .. also a gentle one afternoon a week course at the local college (ceramics for well-being or photography for well-being or similar). Find some local dogs which need walking. Aim to build her confidence up first.

SillySausagez · 26/09/2023 03:59

Also if she enjoys computers could she learn to design websites or do online work or learn to design computer games.

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