DS22 had a heart to heart with me

[bananatoffee]

DS22 finished an integrated master's in maths and told me he hates the fact he's never had a girlfriend and that he's a virgin. He knows it's unusual for a guy of his age to be like this.

He opened up to me and said his crushes in 6th form and uni didn't feel the same way. He was fine with that but told me it stung when they "got with" someone else and he got teased about it.

He told me that he got over that in a few days but hates the fact nothing works out for him romantically. He was like "I want to meet someone mum. I wanna feel romance and love. I don't want to be like this anymore!"

I don't know what to do. I've told the whole "you are a lovely fella and right girl is out there".

To describe DS. I'd call him a kind and sweet soul but he himself admitted to me that he's shy.

Ah sounds tough OP. It’s completely developmentally normal to not have had a relationship yet, plenty of young people take time to get going. Most young people date online now, I think?

The other possibility is that he might have a few social-communication issues, which make it difficult for him to discuss how he feels with girls he likes. Keep chatting to him about how he might have these conversations with girls in future.

It's so great he spoke to you.

If it helps at all my offspring of the opposite sex and almost same age has the same experience.

Not alone x

DS has good female friends just when he's liked a girl they've not felt the same way.

DS says the "seeing the girl you like with someone else" feeling stings a lot.

He sounds just like my DS (27!) so I feel your pain and feelings of helplessness. Can't add anything useful I'm afraid just a common bond!

Nothing abnormal about him - one day that special girl will come along. ‘Getting with’ a load of girls/boys may be becoming more and more the norm but it’s nothing to be proud of.

I can understand, I was older than that when I met my OH and he's several years older than me. We were both virgins when we married. I'd rather wait and be with the right person than screw around. I now lots simply see sex as a bit of fun but remind him that if he does have sex with someone he meets should she get pregnant then she is in his life for years to come. He's best simply waiting for the right person.

My 19 year old was the same. Asked my advice on dating apps. I said I had no idea, but not tinder which is mostly people looking for hookups. Put himself out there on Hinge and after chatting online to a few girls, found one he gelled with. They have been seeing each other since March now, and whether it lasts or it doesn't, it's boosted his confidence enormously, to find out that there are girls who find him attractive (not a surprise, he is gorgeous, but shy - all the lads with banter and swagger were more successful with girls at school /sixth form).

Some of the language you've used is really judgemental. Having sexing with more than one partner isn't necessarily screwing around. It's like you've made an assumption that waiting for the one is morally good in some way.

He needs to get out into the world and have fun, keep trying new experiences. Meeting new people will help him overcome his shyness and the more people you meet the more chance of bumping into someone who's right for you. Too much living life online isn't good for getting to know others.

When I wanted to do some research into this to put the way of a young man I know, I found myself trying YouTube videos for suggestions.

Maybe have a look at some of them and see if any click for you that you think would appeal to your ds? I don't have much of a clue when it comes to how guys navigate this and some really helped. Especially videos made by men. I think the ones I thought were good were Bobby Rio. Please check them first to make sure you like the videos though. There was one about not accidentally friend zoning a girl iirc.

I agree with this. Unfortunately, since the pandemic especially, loads of things are via zoom now. Especially courses that I was going to suggest; so many are reasonably priced and online or in person and extortionate.

Agree with the PP that getting out into the world, feeling the fear and doing it anyway, making some mistakes and having new experiences could do him the world of good. He's clearly incredibly bright, intelligent, and has a fantastic achievement under his belt. I bet he's had his nose to the grindstone for a while academically. Would he ever consider doing some bar work, or travelling, or something like that?

I traveled to Australia (not a gap yah, I was there for work and to save money but mingled with many travelers my own-ish age), and it was an utterly brilliant experience that gave me so much confidence (after feeling daunted and overwhelmed at first!). I'm autistic, so had an extra layer of challenge, but it did me the world of good. Similarly, I have many friends who found bar work transformative in terms of getting over shyness and finding confidence and resilience. Obviously it's not a very fun job long term, but can be very beneficial in terms of life experience and social skills, and fun while it lasts!

Bless him, get him on a dating app like hinge or bumble- they're usually more for people actually wanting a relationship. Even if he has a few one-off dates it'll be good experience for him.

Don't know how this thread came my way but it has. When I meet DS he was 27 and had never had a proper girlfriend. He wasn't a virgin.

He is a good looking guy but he didn't 'blossom' until his early 20s. He dated a few girls but I think was always a bit shy, he is a quiet sort. I'm not really sure what was different with me but he put himself out there. We're together 13 years now.

I on the other hand was a little hussy a big fan of boyfriends from the start of secondary school!

Just want to say I met my DP when he was 21 and a virgin with no previous relationships, I thought he was the most attractive person I'd ever met emotionally and physically and 10 years later we've a house together and a baby. He is also shy, a massive introvert.

You're totally right that the right woman is out there. It's tough to meet people when you're out of education imo though, especially if you start to socialise less, and if you don't want to date coworkers! I would be encouraging him to join hobby groups, go out with friends to bars etc when possible, if that's his bag. Friends of friends is a good way to meet new people. I wouldn't use tinder personally!

I also think it is absolutely lovely that your DS was able to talk to you about this. My DS is only 1 and I hope he can always come to me with any issues he ever has.

I feel for young people today as it all seems so very complicated with their binaries and gender fluids.

I grew up in the 80s where sex was primarily considered recreational and often being asked back for coffee was an invitation for 'a shag' and how most evenings would end. Bad or clumsy sex wasn't much of a big deal and it was all chalked down to experience, which we were all hungry for (as teenagers are). It was rather juvenile how we all used to vie to have and tell each other the most horrific and sensationalist experiences. But mostly between the ages of 15 to 25 we were preoccupied with appearing jaded and bored. The Eighties were such a strange time, when I look back on it. Attitudes were so different!

In my circle, we all read Anais Nin or Dorothy Parker and thought we were so bloody bohemian and sophisticated!

Well done op for providing the listening ear your ds needed. That’s all you can do atm. His situation is not that unusual nowadays as youngsters are taking longer to mature and of course the pandemic has delayed everything by about 3 years! So reassure your son that he’s totally normal, he’s got plenty of time, and comparing himself to others is a mug’s game.

Some great suggestions on this thread about activities that will develop his self confidence and help him to practice social interactions off line.

My daughter of about the same age is on a walking holiday in Spain with friends atm and she is meeting different young people every night in every hostel they stop at. Would that be something that might interest your ds?

I think he needs to spend less time hanging out with girl mates and more time trying to meet girls to date, either by online dating or the old fashioned way in bars etc. his girl mates aren’t interested in him romantically so instead of hanging about, hoping one will change her mind and getting upset when they don’t see him that way, he needs to get himself out there. Maybe his girl mates have friends they could set him up on a date with?

i met my DH on tinder it’s not only for hookups

He sounds like he will be the perfect mate in his thirties. He s well known that many women have one ‘type’ in their teens/early twenties and another type in their late twenties/thirties.

My advice to him would be to hang on in there and maybe just date. Get onto OLD and just literally take girls out for a drink or a walk. It’s a numbers game. Also not to get bogged down with looks. Just get out there and meet people basically.

Nothing unusual about it at all.

What does he do / belong to ?
I think this is key - to be doing things you enjoy, with other people who enjoy the same thing. That can be outdoors stuff, or singing, or volunteering, or historical re-enactments, or football, or going to festivals or classical concerts or whatever it is he enjoys doing. But it is important to be going out and mixing with people, and then those people's friends, when they invite each other to other things, and so on and so on.

Sounds like hes a nice boy, and ime nice boys in his age bracket dont succeed. We are all too busy going for idiots.

His time will come.

This is what I came here to say. Not a big fan of OLD (never done it). Expanding his social circle can't hurt.

Agree re online dating being a possibility

Online dating removes all the pretext. You both know why you are there. If you meet a girl in a coffee shop, you have to convert from friendship to relationship which always feels tricky, you have to read lots of signals, and risk looking like a tit if they don't fancy you. On a date, you know that if they continue dating that they are romantically interested.