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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

DS22 had a heart to heart with me

66 replies

bananatoffee · 02/08/2023 15:41

DS22 finished an integrated master's in maths and told me he hates the fact he's never had a girlfriend and that he's a virgin. He knows it's unusual for a guy of his age to be like this.

He opened up to me and said his crushes in 6th form and uni didn't feel the same way. He was fine with that but told me it stung when they "got with" someone else and he got teased about it.

He told me that he got over that in a few days but hates the fact nothing works out for him romantically. He was like "I want to meet someone mum. I wanna feel romance and love. I don't want to be like this anymore!"

I don't know what to do. I've told the whole "you are a lovely fella and right girl is out there".

To describe DS. I'd call him a kind and sweet soul but he himself admitted to me that he's shy.

OP posts:

Beadyeyes91 · 02/08/2023 17:23

This doesn't help your son but just to say I'm pregnant with my first baby who's a boy and I so so hope we have a relationship that he can be this open with me. You've definitely done something right here!

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 02/08/2023 17:30

Ds3 was like that, lovely sweet shy guy. Had one gf pre pandemic. His female mates at uni helped him with his ol dating profile and even screened his choices! He’s now with a super woman. If he’s got female friends they might do similar. (Maybe not the screening)

Calmdown14 · 02/08/2023 17:33

Yeah online dating with low key dates. No need to commit to an awkward meal, just a coffee is a good first step to see if there's anything in it. Accept there will be a good few non starters.

I think his appeal will begin to grow. In early 20s many are looking for hookups or more casual and the unsuitable men hold allure.

By the time you've been stung by these you wise up and seek better. He will get there, it's just taking him a bit longer.

If dating is too much any hobby groups he can join?

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 02/08/2023 18:32

If he's shy he might have missed hints from girls actually interested in him. DH certainly did, although in his case he liked me back but was too shy to admit it. Lucky I'm made of sterner stuff.

If he doesn't like the idea of OLD what about speed dating or singles' events? Those are a tad more organic. He might find it hard to stand out if he's shy, but it will also be good practice.

Original poster

bananatoffee · 02/08/2023 18:36

Hi all. Thanks for the advice.

As for the holiday suggestion. DS is currently looking at getting a grad role but a work abroad role sounds interesting.

His main "hobby" is that he is involved with young labour and youth politics. He goes out campaigning, canvassing etc has met a few shadow cabinet ministers. And yes he has many fellow labour friends.

OP posts:

pilates · 02/08/2023 18:40

How lovely you have the relationship where he can confide in you. Would he take a year out and go travelling? He would meet a lot of people. Australia are doing a working visa for a year atm for 18-30’s. Would that interest him?

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 02/08/2023 18:55

bananatoffee · 02/08/2023 18:36

Hi all. Thanks for the advice.

As for the holiday suggestion. DS is currently looking at getting a grad role but a work abroad role sounds interesting.

That's great, you seem to have raised a well-rounded and interesting young man.
FWIW I think the 'hobby' route is one of the least efficient ways to meet someone. It can ruin the friendship when interest is not reciprocated as your DS has experienced (and yes, we have all had that but to have nobody reciprocate. one after another as I experienced as a teenager can really knock your confidence).
At least with people not in your immediate social circle you don't have to see them ever again. That hurts less.

FWIW I was similar as a teen and throughout university, the ones I liked didn't feel the same way. The guys who did like me, I didn't like!

Going on actual dates boosted my confidence and when I did eventually met DH I was quite prepared! Most of my friends like your son met their significant others either through OLD or at work

Original poster

bananatoffee · 02/08/2023 18:59

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 02/08/2023 18:32

If he's shy he might have missed hints from girls actually interested in him. DH certainly did, although in his case he liked me back but was too shy to admit it. Lucky I'm made of sterner stuff.

If he doesn't like the idea of OLD what about speed dating or singles' events? Those are a tad more organic. He might find it hard to stand out if he's shy, but it will also be good practice.

DS told me he had one opportunity where a girl was really into him but she was saying stuff (sexual stuff) that made him feel uncomfortable and he told me he wouldn't have been happy in a relationship with her.

OP posts:

justasking111 · 02/08/2023 19:04

Absolutely dating apps. One wedding and three children later they very happy. Lots of their friends who didn't gel at university have met young women this way

airey · 02/08/2023 19:10

i've just listened to the audio book version of Jimmy Carr's autobiography, 'Before & Laughter'

In it, he talks about how he didn't have sex until he was 26. He was a successful, lovely guy with loads of friends, but that's just the way things worked out for him.

It's probably the case for a LOT more people than we might at first think

I do recommend Jimmy Carr's book, it's brilliant, very inspiring https://www.amazon.co.uk/Before-Laughter-Jimmy-Carr/dp/1529413117/ref=asc_df_1529413117/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=534859762239&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=12324486032295858960&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006779&hvtargid=pla-1397022447548&psc=1

Jk987 · 02/08/2023 19:34

Being shy is not something you need to admit to like it's shameful! It's not something he's defined by.

Original poster

bananatoffee · 04/08/2023 17:28

Spoke to DS the idea of going abroad to meet someone doesn't appeal to him. He's never considered dating apps but is now open to it.

He initially wanted to meet someone "naturally" eg at work or through mutual friends. (He really wanted to meet someone at uni)

I think is ideal is to meet someone if/when he gets onto a graduate scheme

I've been googling. I cand find the "OLD" app. Someone please send a link

OP posts:

MyOtherCarisAFerrari · 04/08/2023 17:41

bananatoffee · 04/08/2023 17:28

Spoke to DS the idea of going abroad to meet someone doesn't appeal to him. He's never considered dating apps but is now open to it.

He initially wanted to meet someone "naturally" eg at work or through mutual friends. (He really wanted to meet someone at uni)

I think is ideal is to meet someone if/when he gets onto a graduate scheme

I've been googling. I cand find the "OLD" app. Someone please send a link

OLD is short for online dating OP

Original poster

bananatoffee · 04/08/2023 17:43

Ahh ok. Thanks @MyOtherCarisAFerrari

OP posts:

VegetablesFightingToReclaimTheAubergieneEmoji · 04/08/2023 17:48

He sounds lovely. I knew a girl who was 25 and sounded like your son. Beautiful inside and out, just hadn’t found someone.
one day she met someone through work (he was visiting) within three years they had a child, house and were getting married.

i know it’s easy to say but life is funny. I hope he finds her soon.

Original poster

bananatoffee · 26/11/2023 09:29

Hi all. You were very kind with suggestions. DS has been on hinge and is even paying for hinge premium. He does occasionally get matches but the conversations are very short and don't lead to a date. He's a bit annoyed.

He's starting a grad role soon and is hoping to perhaps meet people there.

OP posts:

Brexile · 26/11/2023 09:49

He'll definitely meet eligible singles in the grad job. My DS is the same age and met his current (first ever) gf on a Jobcentre training course this summer - he wasn't confident with girls and thought they would never like him!

University is awful for relationships IME. Sleazy macho environment, nobody I could have let my guard down with because they just wanted to brag about their exploits in the college bar the next day. There were nice quiet guys, but the ones who approached me weren't attractive. Attractive ones were normally out of my league socially (very snooty college). I could done better than I did - socially, romantically, academically- but I didn't have the maturity or the confidence, and it wasn't the right place to develop those things. Obviously that's the female perspective, but it's going to be similar for the shyer boys.

Anyway, massive kudos to your boy for his job success and political involvement. He's doing everything right, and it will soon be his time.

BorrowersAreVermin · 26/11/2023 10:31

Met my DP when I was 21 and I'd never had a serious relationship prior to that. We met in a bar, not sure how many people do that now!

As a young fella most of my friends seemed to have relationships before I did. There were periods of time it got me down, particularly in my late teens, but I got more comfortable with the idea that not everyone is everyone else's type of person.

Which is also a convenient way of looking at things when you can't be arsed to make the effort with people!

Original poster

bananatoffee · 26/11/2023 22:48

When DS's 6th form crush didn't work out he wasn't too upset and just told himself "it will be fine" there's uni to meet people. When uni didn't work out he did feel a bit discontent.

OP posts:

Original poster

bananatoffee · 26/11/2023 23:00

I think I've said before but in 6th form he was super heartbroken as some lads teased him that their friend "got with" a girl he liked. DS was completely fine when she turned him down. But this time it really hurt DS. The lads laughed at DS, rubbed salt into the sound and said rude comments about the girl. He told me he couldn't stop thinking about how he'd never kissed a girl before and that he left ugly and like he was a loser.

OP posts:

JL690 · 26/11/2023 23:03

Do you know if he's always looking at similar girls, like they all look the same, same height, figure etc? My sister always fancied the same type of boy but never got a date with any of them. She decided to look at different types and found her husband.

caringcarer · 26/11/2023 23:04

My DS never met anyone he wanted to go out with more than once until he was 27. When he met the right girl they just clicked. They are both happy together now.

Jellycats4life · 26/11/2023 23:09

DS has been on hinge and is even paying for hinge premium. He does occasionally get matches but the conversations are very short and don't lead to a date. He's a bit annoyed.

Annoyed with what?

I think one thing he needs to bear in mind is not being too desperate. I mean look at incel culture - it’s so toxic.

I know what it’s like to be a late bloomer, to feel completely defective or like some kind of freak (in my case I was autistic but didn’t know it) but as soon as he starts blaming girls for not being right for him… well that’s a slippery slope.

Ap24 · 26/11/2023 23:11

He sounds a little like my DH. At 22-23 I was with a complete idiot, super confident but abusive and a serial cheat. My DH struggled to meet girls, he was scrawny and shy. I grew up and realised I actually wanted someone nice and kind. I met my DH at work when we were both about 27.

whatchagonnado · 26/11/2023 23:13

He's got to make himself available and show interest. I think a lot of girls still rely on the man making the first move. And it takes bravery for that. Also, at that age, he shouldn't be too fixated on finding the 'special one' - just someone to have fun with (going out) and if it leads to more then that's great for him. I think the fact that he backed away from the girl that was showing interest in him is quite telling - he's maybe a bit anxious, but he's got to overcome that

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