DS22 had a heart to heart with me

[bananatoffee]

DS22 finished an integrated master's in maths and told me he hates the fact he's never had a girlfriend and that he's a virgin. He knows it's unusual for a guy of his age to be like this.

He opened up to me and said his crushes in 6th form and uni didn't feel the same way. He was fine with that but told me it stung when they "got with" someone else and he got teased about it.

He told me that he got over that in a few days but hates the fact nothing works out for him romantically. He was like "I want to meet someone mum. I wanna feel romance and love. I don't want to be like this anymore!"

I don't know what to do. I've told the whole "you are a lovely fella and right girl is out there".

To describe DS. I'd call him a kind and sweet soul but he himself admitted to me that he's shy.

Has he thought about joining Meet up groups instead of OLD? It's a lot less pressure, you get to do interesting things so you get the added bonus of getting out and about too.

Lots of employers frown on work relationships so make sure he's aware of the rules/policies before he starts looking for love in the office.

Obviously I'm biased as I married him, but sounds a lot like my totally great now DH. A normal, perfectly attractive, very funny neurotypical guy who was quite geeky, did a heavy subject at uni and took his studies very seriously. Nothing romantic ever really worked out for him as a teenager because- by his own admission- he was a bit awkward with girls and putting most of his energies into his studies. Met me when he was 22 and there wasn't an awkward moment and- to quote him- "I finally found someone who being with was more important than studying". Never looked back, married within three years.

I on the other hand had had many romances, two LTR and a very different experience in my teens/early 20s. By the time we met (I was 23) I'd been on the dating rollercoaster since I was 15, had my heart broken and meeting DH was wonderful. I was so grateful to fall in love with someone so uncynical at that stage and only ever saw his lack of experience with women as making me his truly special one.

A long and happy marriage so far which I hope goes on for many years more, and two beautiful kids. Please tell your son not to lose hope: there's someone out there for him.

My dd is at university, she is younger than your son but has never been on a date, or kissed a boy. Her friends are mostly a bit older and some of them (both sexes) haven’t dated yet. It really isn’t that uncommon.

OP, your son must have been in the middle of lockdown aged 18/19, which is when most people are busy shagging at uni. There will be a lot of people his age in the same boat as a result. It’s been a weird few years.

Tell him to get on OLD and meet a few people. They don’t have to be perfect on paper - DH and I are a terrible match on paper, total opposites (I’m ambitious, adventurous and chaotic, he’s neurotic, cautious and a homebody). We work brilliantly together - we make a great team, perfectly complement each other. And share the same sense of humour.

If he’s a nerdy boy, he needs to find a nerdy girl. If the girls he likes aren’t interested, he’s probably got unrealistic expectations.

@Jellycats4life he's just a bit annoyed that online dating hasn't been successful yet. He's not an incel.
@whatchagonnado he told me he wasn't attracted to her and she also was saying inappropriate, "dirty" comments to him which made him feel uncomfortable.

I have (another) update.

DS has settled into work well. DS told me wants to ask out a colleague. He admitted to me straight up that they aren't really friends. He just works with her on a few projects and thinks she's very pretty (and she is kind). He would like to get to know her more.

This is unlike school/uni where he was friends with the girl before. And still then it took him a lot of courage to ask them out.

@bananatoffee I think if he does he needs to be careful both from a protect his heart POV but also a work one. If he likes her and they are on a similar work level he should ask her out, but only once if she says no drop it. Because it's hard in the work place.
I would advise he starts getting to know her better at work, have lunch together etc. Then maybe see if she wanted to go for a drink some evening or to a local event that's on.

@pontipinemum DS has told me he will probably ask to have lunch together and chat to get to know her.

Hi all,

Another update. Whilst there have been a few girls DS's age at work (that he would be interested in) he's refrained from asking them out because most of them have partners and DS's friends have advised him to not ask out or date work colleagues.

DS is fine though. He's enjoying his job and is planning to revamp his online dating profile.

Being shy isn't something you should have to admit to. It implies it's embarrassing or shameful to be shy. It's not all! It could be he's an introvert- again, perfectly common and normal!

It's GREAT that he confided in you. Keep the conversation open. He needs to work on his self confidence and believe that he's attractive and worthy.

He's not introverted. He used to be. But he likes going out and having fun with his friends.

He used to get shy about talking to girls/new people but since uni he's not like that anymore and can mix with new people.

He's wise to listen to his friends telling him not to ask out women from work. The fact that he likes 3 shows that he's going on 'what he fancies' rather than who he's actually making a connection with.

He'd be far better jointing Meet Up groups in his area, which are a great way to make friends, try activities you may not have tried before and maybe even meet potential dates. He will need to read the description of the group before he joins though, as some categorically state that if you're looking for a partner, this is not the group for you!

He needs to remember that women don't like a bloke who thinks they're 'potential' just because they're single. He sounds like he may be drifting into the 'trying too hard' zone, which is not attractive.

Work is NOT the place to hit on women. He needs to be careful that he doesn't get a reputation for being a bit of a creep or worse reported to HR. It's good that he's coming out of his shell but he still has a lot to learn. I'd encourage him to join clubs and groups outside work and have some fun/take the pressure off. If he meets someone, fine, if he doesn't at least he's got a life!

loneliess is hard...

I would encourage him to do more socialising and meeting different people. Join hobbies and groups. It will occur naturally when there is a spark with someone.

I think many women wait for men to approach them.... I think most men are too scared because of rejection to approach.

He can try online dating... which is a mined field in it self but its a good start.

Experience and time

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn is giving great advice. Never approach someone who is seeing someone already and don’t use work as your dating pool. No faster way to label yourself a problem!

I have a similarly aged son who had only dated one person for 6 weeks in his life so far. He concentrates on having good friendships and interests outside of work. If he finds someone, great, but in the meantime his life is interesting and rewarding.

Being on the lookout all the time is a massive turnoff.

Sorry to say this OP, but it all seemed relatively ok and normal until he said that he started a job and wanted to ask a colleague out who he wasn’t really friends with. That just sounds quite unnatural and forced and almost creepy that he is sizing everyone up that he meets as a potential date. He probably needs to stop doing that and let things happen more naturally.

on the other hand, people are directly advising him not to ask colleagues out. This suggests that they know the colleague is going to say no and that they are trying to avoid an awkward situation. The fact is that people do ask colleagues out and many marriages are between people who met as colleagues.

re his political activism - many people would not like this.