Asking the grown up kids for money

[JamyJam12]

We've got in a rut, our two have grown and flown and I feel increasingly mum guilt for asking if they could lend me money, not a lot but working full time all our lives and just getting a bit stuck I felt sick asking our DS's 20 something's could they lend mum £20. Both were straight on and said yes, one even asking is that all I needed? " When he's about to be a father himself.i cried at the thought of asking, even gf of DS asked if she could help. Help me with this guilt 😭

You and your DH/DP asking them for money?

I've not been in this situation but I do know I would never want my mum to feel guilty if she needed to borrow money. I'd give her my last pound if she needed it. I'm sure your kids feel the same.

Why are you asking them for money? Are you living above your means or is your problem a temporary one?

There are two scenarios here:

1. You are asking for money when you could cut back - this is not OK and you are our of order
2. You are asking for money for essential bills - this is what happens sometimes and if my mum asked I would help her out.

I would hate to ask my kids for money, but I am sure if I really needed to my kids would want to help.

The issue is what is happening with your own money. If you really are stuck, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Is it an ongoing thing or just a once off?

What got you into the 'rut'?

Answers to many. I work. Always have. Pride in that. I work. Go home. Work . Go home, occasionally treat myself with a takeaway or movie or nice clothes. Our money goes on bills. Not luxury. Our last holiday was 2005, an odd night away somewhere since as a treat. I still use pay as you go phone. I don't have to justify yet I find myself doing so. Sorry for reaching out. Some times we are just a bit fragile and our kids lift us. I won't ask again 😭

That must be so hard to do. Have you considered going to a foodbank? Or you could put your incomings and outgoings on here, there's always people willing to help you budget.

Sometimes life just catches you on the back foot, however hard you try to stay ahead. If you were my hard working mother and you asked me for the occasional small loan I'd have no problem. If I have it I would help. In fact I have done pretty much that (buying food and other necessities including paying some bills as she'd probably not have taken cash). She's done as much for her children when we were growing up and times were hard so I'm grateful we can help her now we're adults. 🌹

Always help my mum out if need be. Life has not been kind to her, and she would give me the clothes off her back.

Don't feel guilty. We do what we can for those we love. Everyone can fall on hard times.

What is good to know is that your children are happy to help. Great your children care enough to want to help you out.

I am sure no parent wishes to ask their children for money but sometimes shit can happen.

Is it just yourself or is their dad or your partner working as well?

I'm a bit confused by your second post most comments have been reassuring you but you're saying sorry and making promises that you will never do it again.

Also surely it would be cheaper to get a phone contract but use your current phone.

If it is you and your partner, do you have two full incomes coming in? Do you want to make a list of incomings and outgoings either here on your moneysavingexpert? You can get really good help that way.

I think it’s a bit rubbish to ask your children for money. They’re still young enough - this alters the dynamic so that they may already start to fe a sense of the burden of caring for elder parents. I think I’d have to be very down on my luck before I’d do this. Surely there are other places to turn to? You probably feel guilty because it goes against the natural order of things to expect money from young adult children

Oh FGS. "Poor me" control drama. 🙄

So you can afford takeaways, nice clothes and nights away but have to repeatedly borrow money from your children, one who’s also expecting a baby? Do you pay this money back?

It sounds like you are spending as the money comes in and if you run out, you ask your children to help out. Apologies if I've got that wrong.

What you need to do is a proper budget. You cannot just say, I work full time therefore I can meet my bills. It doesn't work like that.

You need to look at what you have actually spent over the last year. That will tell you how much you need to live off.

Then you need a savings plan so you put whatever you can away for big bills such as home/vehicle maintenance costs.

Then you try to save extra for unexpected costs such as sudden boiler breakdown.

After all of that, if you have something left over it goes to treats, luxuries and holidays.

That's how borrowing works...

OP I guess it depends what you're borrowing for. Is it because you're spending beyond your means?

I’ve ‘lent’ lots of money over the years to family knowing I won’t see a penny of it back. If it was just the odd £20 here and there which the op was paying straight back I don’t think she’d be wringing her hands on mn about it

I think it's pretty poor to ask your kids for money.

All those things you mentioned are luxuries…nights away, takeaways, nice clothes etc. it sounds like you are spending beyond your means. You have to do a budget and stick to it. You could be spending way more on a Pay-as-you-go phone as the call/text charges as way higher - find out about the cheapest billpay plan.

If you feel bad you won’t ask again. Please find a way to support yourself without leaning on your children. While I’m sure they don’t mind helping you you can’t know they don’t and your second post suggests you’re into a touch of emotional manipulation/blackmail so that may be an issue.

I think it's completely normal for loving families to support one another and any adult child would want to contribute to their parents or other family survival if the need arose and they were able. It's natural to want to share with your loved ones.

Personally I wouldn't expect my parents to pay me back if they needed some money from me. When I was in my 20s I sometimes paid for food for my mother, or for my younger sibling's Christmas presents and food, or for necessities, and they've similarly helped me in times of need.

Shocked tbh at the posters here who'd let their parents suffer and struggle, but perhaps their parents weren't very nice to them, in which case it's understandable.