Asking the grown up kids for money

[JamyJam12]

We've got in a rut, our two have grown and flown and I feel increasingly mum guilt for asking if they could lend me money, not a lot but working full time all our lives and just getting a bit stuck I felt sick asking our DS's 20 something's could they lend mum £20. Both were straight on and said yes, one even asking is that all I needed? " When he's about to be a father himself.i cried at the thought of asking, even gf of DS asked if she could help. Help me with this guilt 😭

There's nothing wrong with adults helping their parents out with money now and again but OP needs to get to the root of why she needs help from them.

If OP would engage with posters on her thread, they would be able to help her.

For example, do you have plans for retirement and how you will support yourself when you are aged 67 onwards?

Depends. Are they in a better financial position than you? Because otherwise, it is highly unlikely they'd feel comfortable saying no with a 'worked hard all my life ' mother asking for money.

If they live away from you they have all the same outgoings as you, potentially more depending on their housing situation, and times are equally hard.

It's a hard dynamic is what I mean, I'd find it very hard to say no to my mum but not so much a friend.

Perhaps like many, many thousands of people in the UK, she's struggling due to the cost of living crisis. And presumably she'll get her state pension and/or pension credit like the rest of us as she's been working for a very long time. What an odd question!

Being brutally honest OP’s posts sound emotionally manipulative (echos of my own mum). If you are crying about having to ask for 20 because it’s so awful asking your kids for money (do you mean give or borrow) then you wouldn’t be buying nice clothes or takeout, you’d be asking for 20 to pay your electricity bill. I have experience of a parent who borrowed several grand while making no effort to manage their own budget.

I don't think occasional takeaways and occasionally buying clothes that aren't nasty, over many years of working, are luxuries. Nor is it manipulative to express your feelings on an anonymous online forum rather than let your children be affected by them.

Presumably the kids are then too?

We don't know. They might have well paid jobs or lower rent or mortgages. Plenty of young people these days have better incomes than their parents due to wider access to university. Presumably OP wouldn't ask them if they couldn't afford it. Why would you assume otherwise?!

Perhaps like many, many thousands of people in the UK, she's struggling due to the cost of living crisis. And presumably she'll get her state pension and/or pension credit like the rest of us as she's been working for a very long time. What an odd question!

It's not an odd question. Everyone needs to think about how they will fund their life after retirement. State pension is not going to be enough to live off. We will know more if OP comes back to her thread but if not, general budgeting advice is all people can offer.

Honestly for me it would be an absolute last resort before I asked my dc for their money when they are just staring out. If I could afford the odd night away and takeaways , they would be stopped in favour of saving a bit for these times when a bit short.

Dh's mum used to try the poor me, can you lend me money story too and dh would fall for it everytime. She had more money/assets than us, spent more than us, just think she thought she was somehow owed (not sure what for as she really did fuck all for her boys, their grans did all the hard work).

Nearly all pensioners I know manage ok on the state pension and pension credit. There's not much you can do about increasing that if you're on a low income.

And OP hasn't asked anyone for budgeting help. Presumably she can get that elsewhere. She's asked for emotional support.

As a parent, it would have to be the absolute last resort and I would try every other avenue before I asked my young adult kids for money. Why are you running out of money? What steps are you putting in place to improve? What's your plan for retirement, etc.?

Obviously as someone's child myself, if I was in a position to help a parent out then I would. But as a parent, I wouldn't want my child to have to do that for me so I would be very keen to sort my life out so I didn't have to do that.

Such a lot of sanctimonious buggers on this thread

I have no issues lending my parents or adult siblings money as I know what it’s like to struggle.

However, my mum has increasingly been asking me for money (only £10 here and there) but she is financially much better off than I am but she’s just not budgeting properly.
I can’t say no when she’s got no electricity and no food in the house.

So it depends on what your finances are like.
It would annoy me if you were having luxuries like takeaways and then asking me for money.

It sounds as though you are not budgeting your money properly.

If my parents needed it I’d give it of course but I would question WHY your young adult kids have more money than you…

My mum was going through a hard patch that I never knew about, she told me her tv had a signal Problem turns out it had been cut off due to using 2 months bills. She had also put some jewellery in the pawn shop.

I was lucky enough to be able to pay her bill and help retrieve her stuff. It lasted about 3/4 months then she was in a much better position and as soon as she was she treated my partner and I as a thank you helping in hard times.
It's nothing to be ashamed off with families

DM can only claim basic pension. Also claims housing benefit and all other benefits she's entitled to. But that still doesn't leave her a lot. Me and DBro both give her £150 a month so she gets £1k. £400 goes on bills leaving her £150 a week. With this she can eat, buy new clothes and go for lunch. She sacrificed so much when we were young, struggling single parent working three jobs, but raised us to believe we could do better than our very humble origins. Me and DBro did very well so it's the least we can do.

Surely the best way to assist with the guilt is to try and help her not end up having to ask for money from her own children by pointing out possible things she can cut back on or offer advice on budgets if she would reply.

I have and would always help my mother with money if she was in need but it would grate on me if I saw her prioritising takeaways, nights out and presumably nice clothes that are surplus to an actual need whilst holding put her hand for money.

Parents and adult children quite often do not have an equal relationship and it shouldn't be taken advantage of from either side.

How mortifying

I'd rather sell all my possessions than ask my kids.

There is a hint of emotional manipulation in your posts tbh

Wouldn't dream of asking my dc for money, I think that's just awful.

Parents should support their kids, not the other way around imo, though I often treated mine to luxury mini breaks and things, they would never have dreamt of asking for anything.

I couldn’t ask my adult children for cash, I just couldn’t. I would instead look at where I can cut back and also how I can earn more. My finances are my responsibility. Besides it’s hard going for young people these days, high rents/mortgages/bills

A hint!

If you're that skint why are you having nights away, take aways and nice clothes?

Yes, really nasty stuff coming out. I genuinely believed it was normal and natural for families to care about one another and support one another. I can only surmise these people criticising the OP have very bad relationships with their own parents and are projecting.
They also sound like they live on some bizarrely different planet from normal people. It's normal to be struggling to get by and being poor doesn't mean you're bad at budgeting: usually the opposite. It's also natural and for younger people to be better off than their parents if they come from poor backgrounds and their parents did all they could to give them a good start in life.

What kind of person wouldn't want to help their parents out in their old age? Of course if their parents were abusive it's understandable, but why project that onto the OP?