So this might be long but I’m all over the place. Some context. Mum is 65 and I’m 39, I’m married with a 6 year old. About 2 months ago my mum just decided to stop talking to me. We used to speak 3-4 times a day, DC would video granny almost daily whilst in the car.
- As a child my mum was very clear to let me know others were mean to me and disliked me after meeting her (because they’re racist)
- as a teen and young adult I often didn’t want my mum with me, at my birthday, or party, and she holds it against me forever. Even thought I’ve invited her to numerous things.
- My mum often told me how she did everything for me and her friends didn’t understand why and she would say how it wasn’t a sacrifice. She would tell me this almost biweekly.
- she told me everything about her abusive childhood. It was often too much for me to bare.
- she is a hermit and hoarder, so she doesn’t like to receive anything. She has also cut off mostly everyone in her life.
- I have Spent my life always simply apologizing to her since it’s easier than dealing with her extreme emotions.
- she paid for my wedding and had brought that up possibly every month. I do appreciate it, she says it in a way of ‘I’m so glad I was able to do that’
- she has told me my entire life that I have a bad memory and she had a great memory, so if I didn’t see or recall something her way, it’s because I have a bad memory.
Mum was a single lady with a bad abusive childhood. She was always very emotional I found and she often made the comment that I was always expecting her to have no emotions as a kid. Generally you would say I had a great childhood, she got me everything and despite not having the funds, made sure I was in any program. We did have ups and downs as a teen, I often just wanted to break out, maybe rebel a bit. Reach adulthood I started to travel for work. That did help for me to have space and not be so attached to my mum. I married and moved a 4hour fought away. She often would see things or hear them her way, for instance, I recall when I was pregnant, she was saying that she wish she could come and visit me, and I said to her that it was OK since she saw me in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was really just comforting her. But when she did come to see me by surprise, she kept telling me how I didn’t even care to see her. Another thing is a very different issue for me where she mentioned that I was a very bad hostess to her in my home and she would stay here because I didn’t offer her food enough. For context on that she is not a big eater and I am not either. Since I do speak to her so often, I know that she often spends half of the day not eating and just eats at dinner time. Every day I would make a very big, beautiful elaborate dinner, since I would forget to offer breakfast, she would ask by saying you don’t eat breakfast in this house? And I would immediately make her the toast and crumpets and butter that she likes then a few days of pass she would leave and I would talk to her daily normally in a few days later she would come out crying on the phone about how I made her feel like a beggar for food that I wasn’t preemptively offering her food. I apologized profusely and the next time that she came I thought I did everything right I had food ready before she arrived. I offered her continuously I made breakfast lunch dinner as many times, I asked her in the day if she wanted some thing and yet when she went home, still managed to tell me that I didn’t do it right I matter how much I tried to convince her that I would try to be a better hostess the next time she said no she was not coming back into my house ever again, and the next time she came, I got her a hotel. Now that hotel trip I have to say really felt different. I was almost unemotional to her. It felt so silly to be 10 minutes from my home and she staying at a hotel because I’m such a bad hostess. My child loves her granny and wants to spend every moment with her so I would go in the morning and would stay until the afternoon I brought food I took care of everything on the final day of her hotel stay when I arrive there I realize that I had forgotten my purse entirely. I asked her if we could pass by my house since it’s on the way to the airport just so I could get my purse I don’t want to be driving without a license or my cards. And she said no anyways fast forward a couple of weeks after that last trip I talked to her on the phone and I thought we had a very nice productive conversation where I told her that I really hope that her stay in a hotel is a temporary thing that she has a room here that’s even called Granny’s room. We all referred to as That , and then I will give her her space and all she needs to do is tell me exactly what I need to do to make it better and we hung up for the night seem like a great conversation. I was very pleased fast forward and the next morning I call her as usual after I drop off my child and she tells me that she had the worst night ever couldn’t sleep because I made her have a panic attack about coming back to my house and the abuse that she feels being in my house because I am not a good hostess when it came to food that I was so controlling because I asked her to lower her ringtone on her cell phone at night because she was getting messages all throughout the night and it’s very loud or that I rolled my eyes when she told me she forgot her make up and I said that’s not possible I straightaway went and purchased for her a whole bunch of make up and she said yes, but you rolled your eyes . Now since then she has called me cheap, she’s called my husband and I abusers she has called my husband classless because when people come over we aren’t rushing to offer tea and biscuits 20,000 times a day. And I told her that she’s my mom it’s not that hard to simply do it on her own and I had mentioned to her that when I noticed that she drank a lot of coffee I went and I bought her the exact coffee that she likes that we don’t drink I bought it for her and she said, and you know I never used it , because I didn’t want to use your things. Since then she started seeing a therapist and that has only been feeling her victim hood. I have seen the therapist also and I don’t know how I feel because they are trying to tell me that everything in my childhood as I see it stems from somebody that seems to be a covert narcissist with a murder complex, and I find that hard to understand because she’s somebody who has the lowest self-esteem, she has said that she needs space from me. She has made comments that she loves my child privacy will not have a relationship since she and I don’t have one and she’s made these passive comments that she doesn’t want to mess her up now I am continuously having a struggle some days. I am OK some days I’m crying some days I’m angry some days. I’m guilty. I just don’t know how to feel for the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of a terrible daughter I am and I started to realize that she has perception that is completely false. I don’t know what I’m asking here but I’m so confused and so hurt and so lost.