My mum has cut me off and says I hurt her

[Hurtingnlost]

So this might be long but I’m all over the place. Some context. Mum is 65 and I’m 39, I’m married with a 6 year old. About 2 months ago my mum just decided to stop talking to me. We used to speak 3-4 times a day, DC would video granny almost daily whilst in the car.

• As a child my mum was very clear to let me know others were mean to me and disliked me after meeting her (because they’re racist)
• as a teen and young adult I often didn’t want my mum with me, at my birthday, or party, and she holds it against me forever. Even thought I’ve invited her to numerous things.
• My mum often told me how she did everything for me and her friends didn’t understand why and she would say how it wasn’t a sacrifice. She would tell me this almost biweekly.
• she told me everything about her abusive childhood. It was often too much for me to bare.
• she is a hermit and hoarder, so she doesn’t like to receive anything. She has also cut off mostly everyone in her life.
• I have Spent my life always simply apologizing to her since it’s easier than dealing with her extreme emotions.
• she paid for my wedding and had brought that up possibly every month. I do appreciate it, she says it in a way of ‘I’m so glad I was able to do that’
• she has told me my entire life that I have a bad memory and she had a great memory, so if I didn’t see or recall something her way, it’s because I have a bad memory.

Mum was a single lady with a bad abusive childhood. She was always very emotional I found and she often made the comment that I was always expecting her to have no emotions as a kid. Generally you would say I had a great childhood, she got me everything and despite not having the funds, made sure I was in any program. We did have ups and downs as a teen, I often just wanted to break out, maybe rebel a bit. Reach adulthood I started to travel for work. That did help for me to have space and not be so attached to my mum. I married and moved a 4hour fought away. She often would see things or hear them her way, for instance, I recall when I was pregnant, she was saying that she wish she could come and visit me, and I said to her that it was OK since she saw me in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was really just comforting her. But when she did come to see me by surprise, she kept telling me how I didn’t even care to see her. Another thing is a very different issue for me where she mentioned that I was a very bad hostess to her in my home and she would stay here because I didn’t offer her food enough. For context on that she is not a big eater and I am not either. Since I do speak to her so often, I know that she often spends half of the day not eating and just eats at dinner time. Every day I would make a very big, beautiful elaborate dinner, since I would forget to offer breakfast, she would ask by saying you don’t eat breakfast in this house? And I would immediately make her the toast and crumpets and butter that she likes then a few days of pass she would leave and I would talk to her daily normally in a few days later she would come out crying on the phone about how I made her feel like a beggar for food that I wasn’t preemptively offering her food. I apologized profusely and the next time that she came I thought I did everything right I had food ready before she arrived. I offered her continuously I made breakfast lunch dinner as many times, I asked her in the day if she wanted some thing and yet when she went home, still managed to tell me that I didn’t do it right I matter how much I tried to convince her that I would try to be a better hostess the next time she said no she was not coming back into my house ever again, and the next time she came, I got her a hotel. Now that hotel trip I have to say really felt different. I was almost unemotional to her. It felt so silly to be 10 minutes from my home and she staying at a hotel because I’m such a bad hostess. My child loves her granny and wants to spend every moment with her so I would go in the morning and would stay until the afternoon I brought food I took care of everything on the final day of her hotel stay when I arrive there I realize that I had forgotten my purse entirely. I asked her if we could pass by my house since it’s on the way to the airport just so I could get my purse I don’t want to be driving without a license or my cards. And she said no anyways fast forward a couple of weeks after that last trip I talked to her on the phone and I thought we had a very nice productive conversation where I told her that I really hope that her stay in a hotel is a temporary thing that she has a room here that’s even called Granny’s room. We all referred to as That , and then I will give her her space and all she needs to do is tell me exactly what I need to do to make it better and we hung up for the night seem like a great conversation. I was very pleased fast forward and the next morning I call her as usual after I drop off my child and she tells me that she had the worst night ever couldn’t sleep because I made her have a panic attack about coming back to my house and the abuse that she feels being in my house because I am not a good hostess when it came to food that I was so controlling because I asked her to lower her ringtone on her cell phone at night because she was getting messages all throughout the night and it’s very loud or that I rolled my eyes when she told me she forgot her make up and I said that’s not possible I straightaway went and purchased for her a whole bunch of make up and she said yes, but you rolled your eyes . Now since then she has called me cheap, she’s called my husband and I abusers she has called my husband classless because when people come over we aren’t rushing to offer tea and biscuits 20,000 times a day. And I told her that she’s my mom it’s not that hard to simply do it on her own and I had mentioned to her that when I noticed that she drank a lot of coffee I went and I bought her the exact coffee that she likes that we don’t drink I bought it for her and she said, and you know I never used it , because I didn’t want to use your things. Since then she started seeing a therapist and that has only been feeling her victim hood. I have seen the therapist also and I don’t know how I feel because they are trying to tell me that everything in my childhood as I see it stems from somebody that seems to be a covert narcissist with a murder complex, and I find that hard to understand because she’s somebody who has the lowest self-esteem, she has said that she needs space from me. She has made comments that she loves my child privacy will not have a relationship since she and I don’t have one and she’s made these passive comments that she doesn’t want to mess her up now I am continuously having a struggle some days. I am OK some days I’m crying some days I’m angry some days. I’m guilty. I just don’t know how to feel for the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of a terrible daughter I am and I started to realize that she has perception that is completely false. I don’t know what I’m asking here but I’m so confused and so hurt and so lost.

@IncompleteSenten yes actually the main reason why I want to get through all these feelings as soon as possible is because I don’t like the fact that I’m quite often sad and although I’m doing my best to not show it I don’t feel like myself little moments. Remind me of my mom in the day, but 100% you are correct I have to protect my child and I haven’t even looked at my actions to make sure that I am not going to repeat the pattern

But don't you see my point? She was utterly horrible to you (and still is) and you will never, ever get her to understand or acknowledge any of it. You will never have the loving mum you so desperately want and need.

All you are doing is prolonging things, and making yourself feel guilty and miserable at the same time. She does not deserve your love or forgiveness, and since she'll never admit she was in the wrong, then you will spend forever trying.

I don't actually think people will believe her. And even if they do believe her lies, then do you really want to have people like that in your life anyway?

@blacksax I completely understand you I don’t know how I can quit this feeling ASAP. I would love to because I can’t stand even hearing myself complain about this anymore. It’s been a month almost and I feel very fed up with myself. As much as I am angry and sad.

As well as parenting your child, perhaps you could start parenting the inner child in you.

Your own mother sadly has never been capable of doing this. When you say she was selfless and loving I'm afraid I hear her voice speaking through you ... but saying and being are two different things. So be kind to your inner child. Tell her she is safe and loved ... by you, by your own child, by your partner.

And absolutely focus on keeping your daughter well away from this drama. Noone needs inter generational trauma passing on.

Ok

So a lot to read and take in.

Although you are getting therapy, you need a lot more.

From your posts it seems you are starting to understand your mum isnt a very good one. But until you understand it's your mum who is the problem and not you.

There are so many posters on this board with abusive mums who would be so happy if their mum cut them off.

Anyway, if all you want is for her to start talking to you again all you have to do is ignore her and she'll be right back, it doesnt seem like she can go long without talking to you. If you ignores she'd be contracting you withington weeks or even days.

But the best for you is to work on yourself, and put some distance between yourselves. Especially for your daughter,.as thisnisnt a healthy relationship dynamic you're teaching her.

You havent said mich about your husband, but if he is supportive, lean on him for support. And put your energies into your own family.

She'll be back, doubt she'll go long without contacting you.

Yes this.
And see if you can get some support to do that. Some attachment focused therapy would be a good place to start.

You've been given a raw deal in terms of a healthy parental relationship but you can break the cycle and start to recover.

I've done it so I know it's not easy.

I'm sorry your mum had an abusive childhood that has affected her whole life. I'm also sorry that her difficult childhood has negatively affected her own parenting. Abuse sends echoes down the generations.

You can't save your mum. Her emotional damage is not your responsibility. If she isnt speaking to you, leave her to it. Your job is to look after yourself and not pass along the damage to your own children. If you can get some talking therapy that might help.

Meanwhile maybe read Toxic Parents.

@MMorales so as for my husband he is 100% done with her and he is adamantly against her having any contact with our child ever. He cannot fathom how a parent cut off their child, so any respect he ever had for her is gone. I have been hearing a lot about parenting my energy child, but I actually don’t understand it. I am just coming to realizations about the things I just accepted and see that it was wrong.

This is so very familiar to me. My relationship with my mum was very similar. You have had some excellent advice around parenting your inner child and working to break the cycle with your own daughter.

I know you want this feeling to stop now, I think I understand a bit of that feeling. I almost felt tortured with it at points. But it does unfortunately take quite a bit time to work through. You will get there though.

I found a psychologist very helpful in understanding my feelings and finding my foundation again after I felt it had been lost. I had never done anything without checking with my mother first. I spoke to her several times a day, despite having my own family. I was terrified of the explosion if I didn't do something just quite right, but the goal posts constantly changed. The hardest part was realising I would never get what I was looking for, and that she was too damaged to be the mum I needed her to be. Freeing myself of the responsibility to constantly make her happy was the best thing I could do. The only person that can make her happy is herself. It's not always everyone else's fault.

Very best wishes to you, the veil falling and viewing this through a different lens is disconcerting and incredibly hard. I am sure you will find a way to navigate through and reach a point where you can manage this, whatever that means. But protecting yourself and your daughter is your priority

👍

@itsgoingtoofast seems very close what you’re saying. Was your mom always a victim, or very demanding? I’m beyond shocked that she has classified me and tells me I abuse her and she can’t give me examples that make sense and just says ‘other things you don’t even understand’ . I almost wish that she were more overtly mean so that I could put my finger on it and say she’s wrong. In this issue I feel as if I’m a bad daughter because I make her feel abused and depressed

@wafflyversatile some thing in what you wrote is what’s been another one of my issues I feel bad for her because she has such a bad childhood, so I almost understand why she is almost delusional and what she sees and hears and how she has compared me to her mother. And I understand that I need to take care of my family, but I feel devastated that I am the one that seems to trigger her

@RattyHealy I hit a wall with my therapist because she said that I need to reach out and tell my mum how I feel. I personally feel that is useless because anytime I bring up the slightest thing she tells me that I have the bad memory and somehow it becomes that she’s a victim and I am an aggressor. Did you find that it took a long time and therapy to accept or get over?

@Hurtingnlost exactly that. She is always the victim. I have been accused of many things over the years, including being selfish and a bully. I believed it since childhood, but now I have a husband and a wider family on his side, kids and friends and they are all horrified. They have helped me believe it is not true. I was just conditioned to think that

In a healthy relationship, you'd have felt able to tell her where the bread and toaster were and to help herself. In a healthy relationship, she would have asked where the bread and toaster were because she was hungry. It would have been an insignificant and not an emotionally loaded event. This us how far off being able to please her you are, though.

@itsgoingtoofast my goodness yes I feel you have been through the same. It’s odd, she’s called me cheap, classless, abusive, and I’m here wondering about the thousands I’ve spent on flights, laptop I bought her etc… and if I said I wasn’t cheap she said I was cheap in my home. Mind you I would buy everything she liked. But it was never right. My husband recently told me he was so sad watching me from the side and seeing me beg my mom to give me a chance to host her properly.

@PickAChew just a few weeks ago a friend said the same. I told my mum on numerous occasions that she could do as she pleases and she said that she’s a guest and I’m supposed to host. On the other side she says that one time she ate something from the fridge, like an apple and I said to her did you eat it and she replied yes and I said it was for my daughter. I don’t even recall that incident, something more like I asked if she ate jt and she asked if it was a problem and I said no, it was for my daughter but I’ll just get more. So due to that she’d never open my fridge.

Or I would make a big pot roast and slice it up serve it in the middle of the table and give everyone a few slices and I said ‘mum take as you like’ and my husband said ‘ hmm do we have enough for tomorrow ‘ jokingly because after he took a bite he loved it so much. She then reiterated that story to me as thought I said ‘ here mum you get 2 slices and I’m giving you little since you don’t eat’ and she said my husband made that comment so she wouldn’t take anymore. Then she called me classless for not making individual steaks or roasts.

But it was never right.

And it never will be @Hurtingnlost . Your mum will say "Black" and you say "Ok, black" then your mum will say "White". I understand you going back over the things she has said, trying to make sense of them, but none of it is actually true - they are just words used to hurt, confuse, anger you, make you feel guilty and all of the other feelings you have. It is her sole intention to hurt, punish and break you.

I'm with your husband, it's sad how much you were trying to please you mum. Because it will never happen.

What you need to understand is, and I know it sounds crazy, it's not you. If her daughter was your complete opposite and a different person, she'd be doing the same. It's just your position. I bet the other people she has cut out of her life are actually quite relieved they're not having to deal with her anymore.

I think your therapist is wrong saying you should tell your mum how you feel. She would just twist your words, use whatever you say to hurt you and it would make things worse, she would ramp up her abuse to punish you all the more.

You cannot do anything right as far as your mother is concerned, please stop trying. As PPs have said, it's time to concentrate on protecting yourself and nourishing your own family

I'm worried about your therapist telling you to reach out, that doesn't sound right to me. What are their qualifications? What's their approach?

Sadly it's going to take you way longer than a month to come to terms with this. It'll be years.

..

My therapist, in a similar situation, told me that I didn't have to comply with the silent treatment. It's hard not to feel like you are the one reaching out just be ignored though. That method only works if you are past caring, and I wasn't

I completely agree with you. Pointless as she wouldn't care how you feel. She will just say how that makes her feel.

dont host her. Why would you? Its like self harm. You know she is a toxic mess.

what does she say to your child about you?

My mum is ALWAYS the victim too And she is married to a weak Rescuer so I have to be the persecutor.

I agree that it's utterly pointless telling a victim how you feel . Unless you collapse in to their narrative, they are the victim of you. The more logic and reason you have on your side, the more you hurt them.

I tried to insist we communicated, honestly in a mutually respectful way, but she won't adapt to a relationship of equals.

I'm single and she married to my dad so her narrative prevails. 2 against 1. I've had to give up.

Sorry for all the multiple posts but this resonates.

Agree with others on this thread, I'm sure you have a life time of trying to communicate with your mother under your belt already, so I also question that the therapist is telling you to tell her how you feel. What my therapist said was the opposite. Basically, to reject the silent treatment by texting chit chat occasionally. But to NOT try to tell her how I felt as it was a language she does not speak. So that's your challenge. To accept the mother you have with her lack of ability to communicate. It's hard. How can you not be affected by somebody casting you in the role of persecutor? I can accept that everybody is different, but what I found v difficult was to be cast in the role of the persecutor and for the narrative to be ''xXiXx is the villain here'' and for that to be set in stone.

For over three years I thought, if I can just get her to listen, just get through to her... just set her straight, but she employed a variety of successful strategies to ensure she never heard me. Faux outrage, toxic victimhood, martyr olympics, shutting me down, silent treatments, smearing me, pathologising me (I'm insane, I need ''help'', I'm detached from reality. Horrible horrible things she has said to me but her status in the family is that she is the victim of me. Insane -= not collapsing in to her narrative that she's perfect and i'm crazy.

I think my therapist was telling me not to try to communicate with her in any real way. she doesn't deserve it now i feel after three years. maybe one day i will be able for banal chit chat about the weather. Not there yet. And when you walk in on day one, you're definitely not ready to accept that.

The therapist told me though that I didn't have to accept her silent treatment like she was the boss of me. ie, if she was giving me the silent treatment, I could text her something banal. I wonder if that's what OP's therapist was getting at, ie, don't accept the silent treatment, but also, don't try to be heard because you won't be heard.

Unfortunately I felt like this just gave her the meaningless relationship she wanted. It felt like losing. I play the part of daughter who doesn't notice she's being treated like shit?? why would i do that I thought.

It's only after three years I realise, cos, that's as good as it will ever be.

It's taken me about 3 years of therapy (i mostly went fortnightly, not weekly) to understand and accept that she will NEVER change. I wasted years exhausting myself trying to get through to her.

But I couldn't understand how a mother would literally choose the option of pathologising her own daughter (you're insane et cetera) rather than take a tiny bit of accountability for her own behaviour. But she just can't. She has to be perfect.

i can see now that my parents dragged me in to their dysfunction. My mum the victim, my dad the rescuer. So any tiny challenge to their narrative, i was instantly the persecutor and there was no way to give this family system feedback. Feedback is ABUSE!!!!!

I don't think it would have been as bad if I were married, they'd subconsciously have behaved better I think. i could be wrong though, lots of married women with awful mothers!!!
.

Then the therapist doesn't understand the issues here and why trying to explain to your mum just won't work. It'll just feed her narcissistic narrative that she's a good mum and you're unkind and ungrateful.

I'm still getting there but I had someone who gave me permission to prioritise myself and helped me do that.

It takes a long time but you'll never get there with your mum still there in the background telling you you're not good enough.