My mum has cut me off and says I hurt her

[Hurtingnlost]

So this might be long but I’m all over the place. Some context. Mum is 65 and I’m 39, I’m married with a 6 year old. About 2 months ago my mum just decided to stop talking to me. We used to speak 3-4 times a day, DC would video granny almost daily whilst in the car.

• As a child my mum was very clear to let me know others were mean to me and disliked me after meeting her (because they’re racist)
• as a teen and young adult I often didn’t want my mum with me, at my birthday, or party, and she holds it against me forever. Even thought I’ve invited her to numerous things.
• My mum often told me how she did everything for me and her friends didn’t understand why and she would say how it wasn’t a sacrifice. She would tell me this almost biweekly.
• she told me everything about her abusive childhood. It was often too much for me to bare.
• she is a hermit and hoarder, so she doesn’t like to receive anything. She has also cut off mostly everyone in her life.
• I have Spent my life always simply apologizing to her since it’s easier than dealing with her extreme emotions.
• she paid for my wedding and had brought that up possibly every month. I do appreciate it, she says it in a way of ‘I’m so glad I was able to do that’
• she has told me my entire life that I have a bad memory and she had a great memory, so if I didn’t see or recall something her way, it’s because I have a bad memory.

Mum was a single lady with a bad abusive childhood. She was always very emotional I found and she often made the comment that I was always expecting her to have no emotions as a kid. Generally you would say I had a great childhood, she got me everything and despite not having the funds, made sure I was in any program. We did have ups and downs as a teen, I often just wanted to break out, maybe rebel a bit. Reach adulthood I started to travel for work. That did help for me to have space and not be so attached to my mum. I married and moved a 4hour fought away. She often would see things or hear them her way, for instance, I recall when I was pregnant, she was saying that she wish she could come and visit me, and I said to her that it was OK since she saw me in the beginning of my pregnancy, I was really just comforting her. But when she did come to see me by surprise, she kept telling me how I didn’t even care to see her. Another thing is a very different issue for me where she mentioned that I was a very bad hostess to her in my home and she would stay here because I didn’t offer her food enough. For context on that she is not a big eater and I am not either. Since I do speak to her so often, I know that she often spends half of the day not eating and just eats at dinner time. Every day I would make a very big, beautiful elaborate dinner, since I would forget to offer breakfast, she would ask by saying you don’t eat breakfast in this house? And I would immediately make her the toast and crumpets and butter that she likes then a few days of pass she would leave and I would talk to her daily normally in a few days later she would come out crying on the phone about how I made her feel like a beggar for food that I wasn’t preemptively offering her food. I apologized profusely and the next time that she came I thought I did everything right I had food ready before she arrived. I offered her continuously I made breakfast lunch dinner as many times, I asked her in the day if she wanted some thing and yet when she went home, still managed to tell me that I didn’t do it right I matter how much I tried to convince her that I would try to be a better hostess the next time she said no she was not coming back into my house ever again, and the next time she came, I got her a hotel. Now that hotel trip I have to say really felt different. I was almost unemotional to her. It felt so silly to be 10 minutes from my home and she staying at a hotel because I’m such a bad hostess. My child loves her granny and wants to spend every moment with her so I would go in the morning and would stay until the afternoon I brought food I took care of everything on the final day of her hotel stay when I arrive there I realize that I had forgotten my purse entirely. I asked her if we could pass by my house since it’s on the way to the airport just so I could get my purse I don’t want to be driving without a license or my cards. And she said no anyways fast forward a couple of weeks after that last trip I talked to her on the phone and I thought we had a very nice productive conversation where I told her that I really hope that her stay in a hotel is a temporary thing that she has a room here that’s even called Granny’s room. We all referred to as That , and then I will give her her space and all she needs to do is tell me exactly what I need to do to make it better and we hung up for the night seem like a great conversation. I was very pleased fast forward and the next morning I call her as usual after I drop off my child and she tells me that she had the worst night ever couldn’t sleep because I made her have a panic attack about coming back to my house and the abuse that she feels being in my house because I am not a good hostess when it came to food that I was so controlling because I asked her to lower her ringtone on her cell phone at night because she was getting messages all throughout the night and it’s very loud or that I rolled my eyes when she told me she forgot her make up and I said that’s not possible I straightaway went and purchased for her a whole bunch of make up and she said yes, but you rolled your eyes . Now since then she has called me cheap, she’s called my husband and I abusers she has called my husband classless because when people come over we aren’t rushing to offer tea and biscuits 20,000 times a day. And I told her that she’s my mom it’s not that hard to simply do it on her own and I had mentioned to her that when I noticed that she drank a lot of coffee I went and I bought her the exact coffee that she likes that we don’t drink I bought it for her and she said, and you know I never used it , because I didn’t want to use your things. Since then she started seeing a therapist and that has only been feeling her victim hood. I have seen the therapist also and I don’t know how I feel because they are trying to tell me that everything in my childhood as I see it stems from somebody that seems to be a covert narcissist with a murder complex, and I find that hard to understand because she’s somebody who has the lowest self-esteem, she has said that she needs space from me. She has made comments that she loves my child privacy will not have a relationship since she and I don’t have one and she’s made these passive comments that she doesn’t want to mess her up now I am continuously having a struggle some days. I am OK some days I’m crying some days I’m angry some days. I’m guilty. I just don’t know how to feel for the longest time I’ve been trying to figure out what kind of a terrible daughter I am and I started to realize that she has perception that is completely false. I don’t know what I’m asking here but I’m so confused and so hurt and so lost.

It doesnt matter what you do.

It wont be good enough for her.

The problem isnt with you, but your mum.

Tou can't change how your mum acts, but can change how you react to her behaviour.

For now just give it time. Let things settle. Give yourself some breathing space

Give it a couple of weeks before deciding what to do. Dont rush to contact her.

And continue with your counsellig.

@CurlyQueues In my mind, I logically would say the same. I’m frustrated with myself that I can’t lift the veil from my eyes. I still am so guilty. I really do wish in this time that I had siblings to see the contrast. Even though she’s the one who is taking a break from me whilst she sorts out in therapy how I treated her… (very annoying). I want her out of my life. If I’m honest, with myself as much turmoil, I’ve had emotionally dealing with this I’ve also had a very huge sense of relief, not speaking with her.

@tackling it is a certified therapist. But I don’t think they understand the depth. Or might see my pain. I don’t think I should contact her since the last few times that I did weren’t productive.

@xXiXx I don’t think you’ve been married or not would make any difference because my mother stayed the same. The entire time may be even worse because she made me feel terrible if I wasn’t giving her attention, but on the flipside would tell me that I need to respect my marriage so much it was very confusing. I understand your point about not accepting the silent treatment I could always message she doesn’t have to respond an issue I have is that I don’t only view her as my mother she is my child’s grandmother. And I know logically, no matter what I am writing or feeling, that she is not healthy for my daughter in the long term. She may be , extremely fun when she’s around but that doesn’t qualify enough

@MMorales since she’s the one on a break from me as she says, I don’t really have a choice. I do find that frustrating because I don’t know how to put it, but I find it to be very cruel to go from such a strong attachment to me to simply cutting me off and not giving me any timelines or anything. It feels like an evil punishment. I think of some thing she said to me right before she cut me off for she said that she was happy for me that this happened between us because now I know that I can push my spouses buttons so much that he would leave me, and even I could push away my own daughter.

Op this is a really sad post. Hopefully you're exploring more of this in therapy.

But really, it boils down to- your mum recieved terrible parenting / abuse as a child, which has led to her being a terrible parent to you. Her behavior isn't normal or stable, and I'm sorry to say yours isn't either- unsurprising because of how you grew up.

I'd be putting all my energy into making sure I don't repeat any bad behaviors with my daughter and breaking that cycle.

Take a real, long step back from your mum now and concentrate on your family and being the best mum for your child that you can be.

You can spend more time with your mum later once you've worked through some stuff. But I really wouldn't be letting her spend a lot of time with your child.

@Ihavekids luckily we love about a 4 hour flight, she isn’t around my child. The video chats have been cut off.

I have been looking inwards to make sure I’m not subtly acting as my mum or treating my daughter a certain way. I’m working against myself at times to be a better parent.

I have a lot of codependency on my mum, trying to please her and being scared of her reactions. Although I always thought otherwise because she always… always said she walks on eggshells.

sing how we live so far apart and I won’t let her in my daughter’s life ever again I pretty much service as our end

Yeah I think you need a new therapist - and REALLY need one.

You can't change her, all you can do is change the way you react and feel, and your own relationship with your daughter too.

Omg , read your thread OP. Stop pandering to the woman . She sounds like she has mental health problems and you're enabling them . Don't let your daughter anywhere near this toxic shitshow.

@tackling I’m actually looking into a new one. I didn’t feel ok initially leaving because I was afraid that I was changing therapist because I wasn’t hearing what I wanted to hear.

@hattie43 I don’t plan on having my daughter near her again. I don’t have any family and I am very protective of my daughter and her mental health. Without being over protective and doing what my mom did.

I don't know if I've said it already @Hurtingnlost but a difficult but important thing to do is to realise that everything your mum has said is not true. I was 30 years with my narcissistic ex and it was a big learning curve to realise that every time I said "But you said ..." or afterwards thought "But he said ..." it was a bonus point for him because I had believed him and he had had a little 'win'.

They are very good liars and very believable. Once you can see that and start to distance yourself a little bit every day, when one of those instances where she said such and such comes into your head you will realise it was just part of her plan to hurt you, confuse you, control you, make you feel bad, whatever.

It is a real headfuck, narcissistic abuse, it takes a lot of healing from. A lot. You can't just shrug it off, you need to work through the damage she has done to you with a suitably qualified person.

It really is worth taking some time to have a look at Dr Ramani on YouTube, she really knows her stuff. She made a big difference in the way I saw my ex, I found that understanding the reasoning behind his behaviour made all the difference.

You're never going to please her and you're wasting your whole life trying to and being consumed with guilt.

You're never going to have the kind of mother you want nor the kind of mother daughter relationship you crave.

You really need to let her go, I know it's hard but do you really want to live the rest of your life feeling bad over some perceived hurt? You will never win. You'll never get what you want.

Concentrate on your own little family and don't let her pick up and drop your child like she does to you, it's harmful.

@CurlyQueues I’ve looked online for Covert Narcissistic martyr complex. And I see just a little bit in her. I think that is what makes it even harder to come to terms with. You must have worked so hard to get over the feelings your narc ex made you have.

@paisley256 I fully agree, I’m having a hard time even accepting that she is like that. I keep going back and forth.

I wasted a lifetime thinking one day my mother would realise, would take responsibility, would change. When I made peace with the fact that I can't change her no matter what I do and that I can't please her, my life has become so much easier.

I don't try anymore. I don't hope nor expect anything from her. I feel free now and I sincerely hope one day you'll get there too.

Honestly it's never been about you, it's who she is and you can't make up for that or for her childhood.

OP: understand this. Whatever you do, however you tie yourself up in knots, even if you became a contortionist in your efforts to please your mother you will never do it. Her issues are NOTHING to do with you - you didn't cause them, you CAN NOT resolve them.

Your mother has a history of abuse and neglect that started long before you were born, they are the product of people who were abused themselves but are now long dead, so there's no point in apportioning blame. Please accept that and put some emotional distance between you and her for the sake of your own family.

You are now the adult in the mother/daughter relationship. You are responsible for your own actions, your own feelings and you need to think of the future consequences - either you continue to engage with her to your detriment or you accept you need to stand away for your own good. Chose wisely.

@paisley256 so much of my confusion lies around the fact that I believe she’s really hurt by me delusional or not. She is acting like she’s in so much pain. I think she believes it. And we’ll I guess I’m trained to just listen to her feelings.

@Eyesopenwideawake all of that I understand, I think I have a very hard time believing that she is doing the same onto me because she’s one of these people who has spent her entire life on self-help books, and seemingly trying to be a better person.

I know what you mean, my mother GENUINELY believes that I am "angry" because I tried to raise and issue with her. It is a self deception that protects her from confronting "am I unusually bad at conflict resolution" so, self deception or not it is 100 % real to her. She is not defensive because there is one narrative, hers, and she firmly believes that. Every attempt to put forward a more objective truth only made her feel even more victimised. It's been traumatic for both of us tbh.

But I still believe that I am the one living in the real world.

Interestingly, all these years, I tried harder to fix it. She cut me off with silent treatments from the get go.

Now, I feel less guilt about giving up. For years I felt I couldn't give up if she didn't understand. A couple of times I had told her clearly how she had hurt me (labelling me paranoid, angry sensitive, emotional. Whatever she needed me to me to deflect from her own thoughtlessness) and she would wail "it makes no sense!". It did. But as I said, when u really believe their is one narrative, your own, any challenge to that means that the "challenger" is mad, insane, angry.... I was called every name under tge sun.

So delusional or not, she has caused both of us a lot of pain.

@xXiXx thank you for that! You’ve really been through it all and tried, which is what I was thinking for a long time I should do but in my heart, I know is useless and from your experience, I can see if the narrative is there nothing can change