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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

18 year old paying keep

75 replies

onlyconnect · 15/04/2023 11:53

I have started to discuss with my daughter her financial contribution from September when she'll be living at home and working.
I'm a single parent with a reasonable income but not much spare. Once daughter is out of education I will lose child benefit, single person council tax discount and maintenance of £350 per month from ex.
Assuming daughter is working full time, probably on minimum wage, I think it's reasonable that she shd contribute about £400 pcm to the household. I will buy her food but not pay for her mobile phone.
She objects to this and says none of her friends will have to pay anything like that amount.
I'm interested in opinions on this please. I don't want to be unfair but also think she should contribute

OP posts:

Chowtime · 15/04/2023 11:57

I don't think I could ask my children for money to live at home, sorry I know thats not helpful.

Why are you assuming she'll be earning minimum wage?

Theimpossiblegirl · 15/04/2023 12:02

That's really tough. Of course if you can't manage without her contribution she'll have to pay but £400 is a lot for an 18 year old on minimum wage to pay to live in their family home.

I'm assuming her father is stopping all payments at 18 because legally he can, but you still have to provide a home. It's shit.

Richierich77 · 15/04/2023 12:04

My Nephew contributes £500 a month to my DS & BIL & he’s 19. It was uni (which they’d support him financially) or a F/T job he opted for job. I don’t know what he earns as none of my business but he manages to run a car, have a mobile phone & go on holidays regularly so he’s obviously living perfectly comfortably giving them that amount. I don’t understand why an adult would expect to live for free in their parents house, when is a cut off?

jannier · 15/04/2023 12:04

Chowtime · 15/04/2023 11:57

I don't think I could ask my children for money to live at home, sorry I know thats not helpful.

Why are you assuming she'll be earning minimum wage?

I guess money isn't an issue for you

clarec86 · 15/04/2023 12:05

That's a lot to ask in my opinion. My parents charged me board money from the age of 17, but it was only £25 a week. This was to teach me I about paying my way though and not because they needed the money. I know my partner paid his parents £50 a week. A lot of my friends paid nothing at all. I think you are asking for too much. If she refused, would you kick her out? I'd understand if she was much older and had to return home but she's still young and just starting out in the working world. I'd say you are definitely being unreasonable.

Jifmicroliquid · 15/04/2023 12:06

I think £400 is a lot for an 18 year old. I’d think £250 would be about right and maybe increase to £350 when she’s 19.

jannier · 15/04/2023 12:07

I would just discuss the general idea that your currently just head above water but with the loss of around 400 were going to have to come up with some savings and once we know what your income is decide on a fair contribution so have a think about any savings we can make. Treat her like an adult like you would a partner.

Flatandhappy · 15/04/2023 12:07

The bottom line is can you afford her keep if she doesn’t contribute, anything else is a bit irrelevant. it sounds like you will be substantially worse off, does she understand that? Taking the “I wouldn’t take money off my kids to live at home” is a luxury not everyone has. If she thinks you are being mean maybe sit down with her and work out what it would cost her to live elsewhere, rent, bills, food etc. which might make her reevaluate. My DD has friends who have been given expensive cars for their birthdays, have endless overseas holidays etc. she understands some people have more money than others and she can’t always have what everyone else does. I’m sure your DD does too.

Skankylanky · 15/04/2023 12:09

Hmm. What is her take home pay each month?

What is the household income without her £400?

It does seem a lot for an 18yo.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 15/04/2023 12:09

If she works a 36 hour week on minimum wage she’ll be paid gross £1500 ish a month, I’m not sure what that will be nett. You’re looking for over 25% of her gross wage.

I’m in favour of kids paying board, but I think that’s over the score. £300/month would be more reasonable, it’ll cover the extra council tax and what you’ll lose in CB, with some left over towards bills

Mushroomofficeglass · 15/04/2023 12:12

I'm a single parent on disability benefits so when dc1 left education last year I had no choice but to ask for a contribution. I lost about £500 from uc, dc disability added on uc, loss of council tax discount etc. I worked out what I could afford and went with £250, its a struggle but with some cut backs I found its doable.

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2023 12:12

That's a lot out of mine i mum wage. I wouldn't charge anything myself but I can bear the kiss of the benefit (my daughter turns 18 next month but is in full time education and will be at university next year). My son (19, also minimum wage job) is living in a property I own, I don't charge him rent but he pays all utilities and council tax (and food etc). No way could he afford rent too. But he has the benefit of a property to himself.
I'd encourage your daughter to save, possibly give you £25/week as a nominal amount.

Theraffarian · 15/04/2023 12:13

My children were lucky in that we didn’t have to ask them for money , but it was on the understanding that they both saved the additional amount that they would have given us towards their house deposits .

I do feel £400 is a very large amount to ask for though from that age , as minimum wage is only going to be £7.49 an hour . Can you sit down and work out your finances together to come to an agreement?

Mrs1010 · 15/04/2023 12:13

I lost the same discounts/benefits last year and I charge my son £25pw. He pays his phone, clothes, buys lunch at work etc. I have explained to him that I expect him to use the rest of his money wisely as unfortunately as a single parent there is no future financial help coming from me (car, hose deposit etc) so charging him a low amount and allowing him to stay as long as he needs is the best I can do. He’s been terrible at saving so we are increasing this to £50pw but I am saving half for him, which he knows.

The only other thing to consider is what will happen if she moves out? Are your costs going to reduce by £400? Because you need to prepare yourself for how you are going to manage this, and I didn’t think it was fair to pass all my lost benefits onto my son as it’s my issue to manage.

brooksidebackside · 15/04/2023 12:14

How much do you think she is going to be earning at 18?

Original poster

onlyconnect · 15/04/2023 12:16

Thank you everyone. There is a broad consensus there.
To answer some of the questions:
I don't know for definite that she'll be in minimum wage but she's looking at care work possibly so it likely to be minimum or just above.
Her dad has told me he'll stop paying maintenance as soon as she's out of education.

I think I'll go for less- maybe £250. I think she will have a lot more disposable income than I will but that's ok. I really don't want to be unfair to her.
Certainly though I know if I was more flush I wouldn't ask for anything. Although I think it's good to learn the value of money, I think this can be overstated, people learn when they need to.

OP posts:

Original poster

onlyconnect · 15/04/2023 12:19

And no, I certainly wouldn't throw her out if she refused clarec86
We have discussed it and will do further janier I'm not demanding with no discussion

OP posts:

Iwasafool · 15/04/2023 12:20

You've lost over £400 a month but presumably you won't have to give her spending money, buy her clothes, bus fare to school, school lunches etc so it seems a lot to ask her for £400 a month.

otherwayup · 15/04/2023 12:31

Chowtime · 15/04/2023 11:57

I don't think I could ask my children for money to live at home, sorry I know thats not helpful.

Why are you assuming she'll be earning minimum wage?

How does your comment help op?

Do you enjoy making people feel shit?

And fyi I have friends who work at our local uni, combination of lecturers, student support etc and a major issue that occurs more and more is young adults totally oblivious that life actually costs money.
They have left home, after never contributing a penny to the family budget and really struggle to adapt.

Iwasafool · 15/04/2023 12:35

otherwayup · 15/04/2023 12:31

How does your comment help op?

Do you enjoy making people feel shit?

Show quote history

Don't the majority of kids go to uni at 18 so how would they have been contributing?

ArcticSkewer · 15/04/2023 12:38

Can she move in with her dad? That might be better in the short term while you both adjust? Gives you an idea how much extra she actually costs you in terms of utilities and fridge basics.

Otherwise, how about treating her in a more adult way so she pays half towards bills and council tax (or the 25% you lose), then buys her own food. That way she can see how her money is being spent fairly and it prepares her, and you, for when she moves out. At that point I assume you will need a lodger to afford those costs.

PopethYnIawn · 15/04/2023 12:42

I'm going to be in this situation within the next few years. I plan in charging board/keep.

The amount will depend on how they are at home on relation to contributing to housework and being respectful.

I don't intend to be working hard, doing all of the house work, shopping etc and being treated disrespectfully. If that happens then I will be charging more and paying a cleaner

Its very unfair that the parent with the adult child living at home is expected to continue to support them, but the other parent isn't.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 15/04/2023 12:43

Everyone's situation is different. Personally, I would not ever charge dd to live at home, but that's because we can comfortably afford not to.

Given that your finances are tighter and that your income will drop now that she is an adult, I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask her to pay her way. Under the circumstances, I don't actually think that your original suggestion of £400 was unfair... she would be spending a whole lot more than that if she had to rent her own place independently. And yes, it might well be more than her friends are having to pay, because everyone's financial circumstances are different. She's old enough to understand that life isn't always fair!

In your position, I think I would be inclined to set out a budget that shows her the costs of running the house - rent/mortgage, utilities, council tax, insurance, groceries, maintenance and repairs, broadband & TV packages etc. Tell her what your income is to cover all of that. And then ask her what she thinks would be a fair contribution to make as an adult living in the house and earning a regular wage.

ColonelSpondleClagnut · 15/04/2023 12:44

We went with 1/3 to us as keep, 1/3 to savings and 1/3 as spends. That was from Saturday/ evening work onwards. We set a cap on the keep money at £350 if I remember so any earnings above £1000 pcm was theirs to keep.

The kids have been happy with that, and we've supported them to have time to decide what path to go down.

feelingrubbish2023 · 15/04/2023 12:48

If you can't afford for her to live at home without contributing then she has no choice really.

What are her long term career plans? Apprenticeship? University? Why are you assuming she'll be earning minimum wage? I'd be encouraging her to think about her earning potential in future.

Then I'd be sitting down with her and breaking down why you will now be short of money and that as a working adult you expect her to contribute to the household. What does she think is fair to pay. She probably has no idea how much things cost.

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