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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Would you go into your adult child(ren)'s room without asking permission first?

56 replies

ireallycantthinkofaname · 10/04/2023 19:43

As title! Relevant as I very recently (as in, today) told my dad to get out of my room when he came in without asking and startled me - to put it mildly, we do not have a good relationship, and I do not want him going in there as I try and maintain it as somewhere I feel totally safe.
Him being able to go in/out without permission means it isn't that anymore for me. But I can see it might be unreasonable because he's the parent (though the house is owned by my mother).

OP posts:
bracemyselfagain · 11/04/2023 11:56

Two teens at home here ... if they're here, I always knock. If I need to enter after they've answered I insist I enter.
If they're out, I just enter. I've took videos & pictures in the past when it's been an absolute sh!thole & sent them to them.
To be told 'it's none of your business' ... excuse me!? What goes on in my house is my business.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 11/04/2023 11:57

My dd is 17 so not quite an adult yet.

If her door is closed, I ask if I can come in. If it is ajar - which it usually is - then I might just stick my head around the door without asking. We are very close though, and she comes into my room without asking too!

itsgettingweird · 11/04/2023 11:58

I've always knocked my ds door if it's shut and he's in there.

Can't remember when it started but whatever age it was an age he felt at times he wanted it shut for privacy and so it was normal to respect that.

He's 18 now and it's only shut if he's getting changed or asleep - he has no issue with me walking in an open door but I'll still stand at the doorway when talking to him and only go 8n and touch stuff if I tell him I want to and he says ok.

Aylestone · 11/04/2023 12:27

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 11/04/2023 11:57

My dd is 17 so not quite an adult yet.

If her door is closed, I ask if I can come in. If it is ajar - which it usually is - then I might just stick my head around the door without asking. We are very close though, and she comes into my room without asking too!

This really, it’s the same for all child and adult bedrooms in my house, plus the bathroom. If the doors closed then assume it’s closed for a reason and knock.

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 11/04/2023 13:25

DS no longer at home - but as an older teen I would have knocked before going in if he was there. I would go in if he wasn't there though to tidy up, sort washing etc

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 11/04/2023 13:29

@ireallycantthinkofaname have you chatted to your mum about your situation ? I would expect her to be supportive of you and speak with your dad as to his behaviour being inappropriate. Is this not the case ? How old are you ?

jannier · 11/04/2023 14:08

So what you mean is should dad just walk into my room without knocking when I'm in there.....
Absolutely not, even if you were 10 he should be giving you privacy.....is he the reason you feel unsafe?

tootsierubs · 11/04/2023 14:18

I knock before I go in my 17 year old son's room. Only time I don't is if the door is open, he's out or I'm collecting washing etc or to Hoover.

FuckNuggets · 11/04/2023 14:25

From the title I thought you meant when you weren't in there. If he's just walking in without knocking then that's not on. Honestly I'd also question his motives for doing that. As a father to a daughter surely he understands your need for a little privacy?

I've been knocking on my kid's bedroom doors since they were around 8 or 9! They've also had locks on their doors since they were 10. (I have a spare key to both, but have never used them).

You need to get a lock installed.

bigbluebus · 11/04/2023 14:33

If the door is shut then I always knock. If the door is open but I think DS might be getting dressed I shout from the landing first - he's at one end and I don't need to go down there except to his room.

13Bastards · 11/04/2023 14:39

No he shouldn't just walk in. I ask DP's child if it's ok if I pop in through the door and they are 8 ffs.

I had to move home at 25 and no way would my parents have done this. Can you put a lock in the door?

FlipFlops4Me · 11/04/2023 14:42

I knocked on my son's door from when he was about 9 onwards. Definitely waited to be invited in from about 12 - just in case he was wanking, to be honest. Everybody does, and teenage boys just about live with their cocks in their hand....

Wetnwindy · 11/04/2023 14:47

Yes I always knock if son door is closed . I do go into his room to put washing on his bed ,change sheets and hoover occasionally.

GlitteryFarts · 11/04/2023 14:50

This reminds me of when I was pregnant and exMIL announced with 10 minute warning she was coming by.
I felt sick, exhausted and looked like shit so I told exdp I was going to go to bed and lie down and to tell MIL I wasn't feeling well but would see her next time.
She sat downstairs with him for a whole 10 minutes before she came marching up the stairs, slammed my door open and plonked herself down on the bed to chat to me for half an hour telling me she had come to see us both not just him.
I cried when she left. Bitch.

greenspaces4peace · 11/04/2023 14:54

more context is needed. It certainly sounds like much more is going on.
to answer your question sometimes yes sometimes no.
if I expect them to be sleeping and I’m opening/closing windows, collecting garbage I’ll tiptoe in.
if the door is shut and they are studying awake I’d knock.
closing bedroom doors was not really a done thing though.
age wise I’m talking mid teens as by 18 they lived away/uni/college.
small busy home with 3 kids dogs and cats, privacy was not part of the day routine, night bedtime yes.
but m-w laundry happened, t-th vacuuming, garbage bins emptied each am, beds made by 8 on school days, stripped each sunday.
extra shoes at the front door did mean bed checks (tiptoe) as I’d need to know breakfast quantity and to answer parents who called.
now aged 38-40 none of my trio ever complained of lack of privacy.

gogohmm · 11/04/2023 14:56

I knock but do go in if they aren't there to grab towels or change sheets (yes pathetic at 22&24 they leave wet towels on the floor

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2023 15:16

Not since DD was about 7 do I go in without knocking and waiting.

Your dad doesn't respect privacy so move out.

I'm also a bit Confused at all the mums cleaning and waking up and getting towels and generally treating their adult sons (it's mostly boys, right) as children. These are the useless ones on the relationship boards, aren't they?

jannier · 11/04/2023 15:17

I'm not sure your response of a get out was that adult though.....mine would have been an I'm about to change its not appropriate for you to just walk in.....but then I'm sure he knows that you could be undressed to what are his motives?

jannier · 11/04/2023 15:18

greenspaces4peace · 11/04/2023 14:54

more context is needed. It certainly sounds like much more is going on.
to answer your question sometimes yes sometimes no.
if I expect them to be sleeping and I’m opening/closing windows, collecting garbage I’ll tiptoe in.
if the door is shut and they are studying awake I’d knock.
closing bedroom doors was not really a done thing though.
age wise I’m talking mid teens as by 18 they lived away/uni/college.
small busy home with 3 kids dogs and cats, privacy was not part of the day routine, night bedtime yes.
but m-w laundry happened, t-th vacuuming, garbage bins emptied each am, beds made by 8 on school days, stripped each sunday.
extra shoes at the front door did mean bed checks (tiptoe) as I’d need to know breakfast quantity and to answer parents who called.
now aged 38-40 none of my trio ever complained of lack of privacy.

What would you have done if they were masturbating not sleeping?

greenspaces4peace · 11/04/2023 15:25

@jannier rude question. Simple answer that was NOT an option by day.

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/04/2023 15:30

greenspaces4peace · 11/04/2023 15:25

@jannier rude question. Simple answer that was NOT an option by day.

It's not rude. It's a perfectly boring, normal thing to do, especially in adolescence. Hence privacy.

They moved away fairly sharpish, didn't they? Huh.

Topseyt123 · 11/04/2023 15:32

I always knock on my adult DDs' bedroom doors if they are in there, or just call out to them. I'd never just go in.

Since they were in primary school I have always knocked,

DD3 has the airing cupboard and some of the central heating and hot water controls and equipment in her room, where they have always been ever since the house was built. So if there's a problem I do sometimes have to forewarn her that access will be required at X time when plumbers or electricians will be around.

I'd never just barge in unannounced. That is disrespectful.

Findyourneutralspace · 11/04/2023 15:33

I always knock if they are in. If they are out and there’s no mugs in the kitchen, I’ll pop in and do a sweep. I don’t rummage though.

Skankhunt84 · 11/04/2023 15:38

You live with him?

Do you pay rent? How old are you?

MissDollyMix · 11/04/2023 15:44

My kids are adults yet but I do knock before I go in their rooms if they’re in there. It’s just good manners. I do go in and tidy up - sometimes sort through their old clothes etc when they’re out but they’re still quite young- I’d hope they’ll be capable of doing it for themselves as adults! My mum used to go through my bedroom when I was still based at home as an adult - she’d have a good rifle through my drawers, read all my personal correspondence etc. it was horrible a real invasion of privacy. I left home as soon as I could.