DS & DD with mental health issues are walking all over me

[Chiggy]

I split up with my DS (23) and DD (22) dad because I discovered he not only had mental health issues, he also stole money from me and gambled it away, and caused so much financial hardship when our children were quite young, and put so much strain onto me that I became physically ill and ended up in hospital. My adult son dropped out of school, then tried college but couldn't cope with that either, because he was bullied due to his weight in both places (he has an under active thyroid) and he started having panic attacks. He self neglects and can do nothing for himself at 23 years old, although he can game and talk to his online friends. I tried to help him to get psychological help but he didn't keep up with it. My 22 year old daughter was date raped when drunk by a "friend" and didn't tell anyone for quite a while. I had no idea what was going on but she self harmed by cutting her legs and stomach with a kitchen knife. She eventually told me about this, and is now receiving counselling with my help, but she seems to be about to drop out of her final year of uni. Both DS and DD live at home. My son has no income and can't do what he needs to do to obtain benefits. My daughter currently contributes some to the household, but I can already tell she will not be able to step up and get a job if she drops out of uni. She also is able to game all day and talk to online friends.

I try to be super supportive to both, I am trying to be even tempered and caring while making it clear I am about to become unable to pay for food due to the price of everything going up. My earnings barely cover the household bills. If I say too much both DS and DD have panic attacks and become suicidal, saying they are horrible people and don't deserve to live, so I feel controlled. I have pushed for promotion at work to get more money and succeeded, but I am so mentally tired after a day's work and I can't even afford to get my hair cut so I am presentable for meetings and I have to buy my clothes from second hand shops. I'm at my wit's end, I feel ill, and I don't know what to do. I am a strong person, but please try to imagine my position. I love these two human beings, they mean the world to me and I can't bear the thought of them feeling hurt or in pain, but I feel they don't feel the same about me as they are putting so much weight onto my shoulders, much the same as their dad did.

I also believe that it shouldn't fall directly on you now that they are adults. Adult social care can help with different things: getting a support worker for them who can help them apply for benefits, make referrals for housing, etc.

Great advice, @MegIsWhite . I hadn’t thought of contacting adult social care but you’re right, they could probably get involved and my experience with them concerning my elderly Dad was amazing. They will definitely be able to help with his PIP application and identity any other assistance that your son may be entitled to.

But it could have gone completely differently. What if they'd tried to hurt themselves because of this?

@chiggy

It's so exhausting isn't it. This government makes it so difficult to access benefits. So hard to do this on your own. Some of us really do understand how you feel.

They are manipulating you and taking advantage of your good nature. They are both adults. They should both get a job. Even if it's part time they should do this to help you with the bills. They do t need to set the world alight just a job at a fast dis place would give them money to help you pay the bills. Your household bills should be split three ways because there are three adults living in the house. You need to give them tough love now and stop enabling this babyish behaviour. Fair enough they need counselling but they also need a kick up the bin because they are being very selfish by letting you carry the financial burden Being a parent is sometimes being cruel to be kind. I do t think they will change their behaviour unless you change yours.

Can't claim carers and work full time.

Mad but true

@GordonShakespearedoesChristmas

Yes currently I think you can only earn £132 a week.

Hi, just want to say I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so so hard. Am just going to list some things I’ve learned and read about and hope some help . You do sound like a lovely mumxx

1. you have to put yourself first in terms of looking after your own MH. Do something practical everyday for you, time on your own, walk, seeing a friend … something to keep you going. You are no good to anyone if you breakdown. Whatever it takes prioritise yourself.
2. google Tanya Byron’s article on Failure to Launch and failure to fly in The Times earlier this year. It’s really interesting and lots of tips. Some of her ideas may help.
3. where you want to offer your young adults sanctuary, it doesn’t have to be like a holiday camp/ hotel. It feels to me like the gaming machine and poss internet at times needs to go. You want them to be safe and secure whilst they help themselves but not addicted to gaming or totally distracted by it. They need to start to feel bored. Personally, I would be tempted to remove via an excuse. Take plug fuse out in the night, sympathise with them when it then doesn’t work and say you will get it fixed for them and remove machine and keep it at work. Then keep saying it’s in the menders. Cowardly I know, and better to maybe just remove, but if you’re ground down, conflict can be too much. The main thing is gaming machine is not in house. Maybe remove fuse sporadically on router too so internet down.
4. start to discuss small tasks they can do to help you, whilst you’re working, so you’re all operating as a team. Suggest simple meals they can cook once a week, or more whatever they’re capable of. Leave them a list of jobs to help you with, hanging up a wash, ironing a few things, hoovering.. Manage this list depending on their health. It’s better they do one small thing well and successfully and build up more and more gradually. This isn’t punishment, this is learning and teamwork and support for you, if they’re bored with no gaming or internet they may do.
5. whilst above is in progress, maybe go back to doctors with them and ask for tests to reasses meds and behaviour so medical route is happening alongside behavioural changes.
6. not sure if you believe in supplements, but iron, vit D, vit B can all be lacking and cause physical symptoms in people eating poorly, not going outside. You could introduce these after a while?
7. all the time reassure them gaming machine is being fixed at menders and give them more practical small tasks to do… If you look like you’re getting it mended their withdrawal symptoms aren’t aimed at you because you’ve removed it, may be easier.

really you want them to be learning some practical skills getting a little bored, feeling better gradually, improving self esteem as they move around and achieve stuff practically.. After a while, they may be open to exercise, eating healthier. Then they may be open to small job, you can reduce money to them to help push them.
I really feel for you, it’s so stressful and you’ve all been through a lot. I hope it all works out for you xx

All of this sounds like really good advice, especially the ways to reduce conflict whilst you reduce their internet and gaming time.

How are you getting on now @Chiggy? Did you manage to go to the GP fir yourself on your week off?

I think it's also worth telling them both that from September you won't be paying for their phones.

Do it gently and explain that you simply can't afford to.

This gives your DD time to graduate and find employment and your DS chance to start taking his medication.

The medication thing is difficult. My DD is on the pathway and has Melatonin but insists on keeping it in her room and being in control. I go in to say good night and check she's taken it.

My DH I suspect is ND and also has low thyroxine and will often forget to take his medication. I've taken to just handing it to him at 7am. Bit resentful that he's essentially treating me as a carer but it's better than when he crashes because he hasn't taken his medication for 3 days.

Could you drop a note in at the GP about your concerns about your DS?

I’m sorry you are in this situation, you sound like a very caring mum. However, your audit children are not growing up on a way that will enable them to support themselves and they need to get to the stage where they would be ok if, god forbid, anything happened to you.

Anyone able to game all day, communicating online with gaming friends, could do some form of work, even if only part time and WFH based.

I think a Frank conversation with them both is needed. Explain you will support them in whatever way you can but that they are now adults and unfortunately the world won’t bend to them like it did when they were children and they need to start thinking about the next 5 years of their life (much more manageable than thinking about their whole adult life). So perhaps they could aim to get a part time job and seek help from the GP.
But in the meantime, have a plan whereby they take over the running of the household while you earn the money. So they wash, hoover, cook etc. If they can’t provide financially right now, at least they can provide support in that way.

Hope you've had a bit of a better day @Chiggy

I'm very sorry your DD suffered that trauma. I hope her counselling is helping. Does she have supportive female friends at university?

Bottom line is your DS just wants to retreat to the cocoon/echo chamber of online gaming. Metaphorically hiding under the duvet is not the path to independence. Can't you get him to cook dinner for all three of you, from ingredients you have bought, a couple of times a week? He needs to contribute within the house if he can't easily leave it at the moment. He may need more medication but that doesn't stop baby steps in the right direction. See if there is an Andy's Man Club (men's mental health network) nearby?

Agree with PP if they are not paying for phones or internet then I would pull the plug for a while. They can't picture you doing that.