DS & DD with mental health issues are walking all over me

[Chiggy]

I split up with my DS (23) and DD (22) dad because I discovered he not only had mental health issues, he also stole money from me and gambled it away, and caused so much financial hardship when our children were quite young, and put so much strain onto me that I became physically ill and ended up in hospital. My adult son dropped out of school, then tried college but couldn't cope with that either, because he was bullied due to his weight in both places (he has an under active thyroid) and he started having panic attacks. He self neglects and can do nothing for himself at 23 years old, although he can game and talk to his online friends. I tried to help him to get psychological help but he didn't keep up with it. My 22 year old daughter was date raped when drunk by a "friend" and didn't tell anyone for quite a while. I had no idea what was going on but she self harmed by cutting her legs and stomach with a kitchen knife. She eventually told me about this, and is now receiving counselling with my help, but she seems to be about to drop out of her final year of uni. Both DS and DD live at home. My son has no income and can't do what he needs to do to obtain benefits. My daughter currently contributes some to the household, but I can already tell she will not be able to step up and get a job if she drops out of uni. She also is able to game all day and talk to online friends.

I try to be super supportive to both, I am trying to be even tempered and caring while making it clear I am about to become unable to pay for food due to the price of everything going up. My earnings barely cover the household bills. If I say too much both DS and DD have panic attacks and become suicidal, saying they are horrible people and don't deserve to live, so I feel controlled. I have pushed for promotion at work to get more money and succeeded, but I am so mentally tired after a day's work and I can't even afford to get my hair cut so I am presentable for meetings and I have to buy my clothes from second hand shops. I'm at my wit's end, I feel ill, and I don't know what to do. I am a strong person, but please try to imagine my position. I love these two human beings, they mean the world to me and I can't bear the thought of them feeling hurt or in pain, but I feel they don't feel the same about me as they are putting so much weight onto my shoulders, much the same as their dad did.

I have no advice but wanted to send

Also, you sound like a really lovely mum

This is probably going to be quite unpopular (or maybe not) but your children are emotionally manipulating you. Mental health issues or not, this isn't okay, at all. My own sister has done it to my mum for many years.

They are adults, and if they are okay to game all day they're also okay to get jobs, contribute and understand how much money it takes to run a household. They are abusing you and manipulating your good nature op.

The rise of tik tok has seen the rise of young people who are totally incapable of living in the real world and have all manner of 'mental health' issues. To some extent these people need support but not to the detriment of your own health and financial survival OP.

I don't think I have any real advice but I don't think it's a good idea to totally absolve your children of blame or 100% believe their mental health issues. I'd personally insist they get jobs or contribute in some way, otherwise they can move out. If their mental health is that bad off surely they'll be eligible for some kind of supported accommodation somewhere.

Thanks for your support, it does help to be able to type it all out 🙂

I posted here to get views on what is happening in my personal life, as I am "in the thick of it" and it's not always easy to see a clear path through. Your view is as valid as anyone else's so thank you for taking the time to read my post and consider it. Just the act of typing it out has made it a little easier to see where I am in the situation. The problem is, I am empath. I know if my son or daughter were to do anything terrible to themselves I would carry on, but would be dead inside. The title of my post and the content does say I feel controlled and walked over, but I could do with the advice of a psychologist, which I can't afford, so that I can navigate through this without the worst case scenario coming about.

My son did get a job, and he really has tried, but it made him worse when he has panic attacks and had to walk out while working, and they let him go which was horrible. The stigma of mental health issues is real and harsh.

If I say too much both DS and DD have panic attacks and become suicidal, saying they are horrible people and don't deserve to live

This is absolute manipulation. They are trying to control you through emotional terrorism and it's working.

I suggest you shut off the WiFi every single day unless you need it. Tell them you are and the reason why is because they need to get off of their arses and get their lives sorted. Sitting around all day, playing video games whilst you financially support them, is no longer going to happen.

Thanks so much for your support, I do appreciate it 🩵

If they are upto gaming and talking to friends online then they are up to working from home in a remote job and teams meetings.

Have you been to the GP for yourself and then they may be able to signpost you on to other services.

It is worth noting that whilst saying they are suicidal etc is important to take seriously it has also become a general part of speech for young people "ugh I want to kill myself" is the modern generations version of our "I can't be bothered"

I fear you may be correct to an extent. It's difficult when apart from this they are really lovely people. They never become angry, or speak in a disrespectful way. My daughter currently pays her share, but that is likely to end in December and I'm worried she won't then be able to support herself, although she is a little more resilient than her brother and will be able to make a benefits claim. She has already lived away from home, but returned home when uni closed during covid. Her mental health has become much worse since and I feel she is suffering with "caged bird" issues and doesn't feel able anymore. My son is the kindest person. He did get a job for a while and tried really hard, but they judged him badly when he had a panic attack at work and they let him go. The first thing he did with his first pay packet was to bring me flowers. I don't think anything they do is with malice, but they are definitely not able to think of what this is doing to me.

It's time you put yourself first. You sound exhausted by it all. I hope you are able to find some space and strength to achieve this.

@Chiggy

Your ds needs to claim benefits. He doesn't have to do this alone. He can get help or you can help him do this. If he claims pip you might be able to claim carers.

Thanks so much for reading my post and responding. I haven't been to the GP for myself, but you're right I should do this. My son is a talented self taught animator and he did get a remote job, but he had a panic attack and they let him go because of it. That knocked any small amount of confidence he had in his ability to work. He doesn't trust people to not be nasty, and he can't cope when they are.

I know a lot of youngsters say that, but with my son and daughter they literally crumble before my eyes. I have had to be strong and get through things throughout my life so it's alarming to see the people I love fall apart like that, they do seem to mean it and hate themselves. My daughter is stronger than my son though so I am hopeful the counselling she is receiving will help her.

Yes, he definitely needs to claim benefits. I have tried to help him claimuniversal credit but they asked him to go in for an interview with no notice and he wasn't able to go. I was at work and he tried but had a panic attack and was physically sick because of it. They cancelled his claim. I thought of taking him to citizens advice to see what support he may be able to get to make a claim, bur I already know he needs to go to the doctor and be signed off due to his mental health issues before he can claim ESA. He did try previously to claim PIP, and I took him for an interview with them, but they refused PIP as he "didn't seem too anxious during the interview and was able to respond to questions". In reality he was only calm because I was there. Recently he has wondered whether he is on the autism spectrum, but without a proper assessment he won't find out. Meanwhile, I am exhausted when I get home from work. Its difficult to get time off to support him properly.

Thank you. I do try to look after myself, but the money worries are wearing me down definitely

If he has autism then it will have been there since he was a baby.
If he goes for an assessment you'll have to think back to his early childhood:
Did he have any sensory sensitivities? Bright lights, loud noises, strong smells etc.
Did he point or follow a point?
Did he collect things?
Did he have special interests either long term or flit between them?
How did he cope at times of transition, especially the move to Primary, Secondary and then College?
Does he ever stim, vocally, tap repetitively, wring his hands, rocking, spinning?
How did he cope with daily changes and spontaneity?
Can he identify emotions?
How does he react if someone else is unhappy?
Did he have strict routines or a need to maintain sameness etc?

You don't need to answer these now but those are some of the questions hell be asked so think back to that time now.

I really feel for you. You sound lovely and your dcs sound like dicks,sorry.

I also read the OP and it immediately screamed of manipulation from the children, especially the son who won't engage with any help (but why would he, he doesn't have to support himself at all and gets to do what he likes all the time)

OP, it laudable that you are trying to do so much for your kids, but you also need to look after yourself and set some ground rules.

Also, you need to get this sorted because what happens to your incredibly fragile, incapable don when you are no longer around to prop him up? Your daughter may be more resilient but please don't expect her to take your place in supporting her brother, he needs to support himself

I have hypothyroidism, OP, and it sounds like your son's medication is too low if he has a weight problem. Hypothyroidism can also cause mental health issues if not properly controlled. A friend of mine has much worse hypothyroidism but is slim with a thick head of hair because the dosage is right.

I was going to say the same thing as @Coyoacan . I’ve also had hypothyroidism for several years and my weight is fine. He needs to ask his GP to order a blood test as he likely needs his medication adjusted. It sounds as if he also needs help with the panic attacks.

If the doctor needs to sign him off, fair enough. But he has to do something as you simply can’t financially prop him up anymore.

But he has to do something as you simply can’t financially prop him up anymore

He also has to do something because the hypothyroidism is probably causing him mental health issues and it can all result in death.

And I do mean that about the connection between mental distress and thyroid problems. I hadn't realised what real anxiety was until my thyroids started to fuck up.

Yes @Coyoacan you are correct. We have an auto-immune issue in our family with various types of auto-immune issues I have an overactive thyroid (Graves Disease). My son practices self neglect though, so will tend to not take his medication correctly. He insists on keeping them in his bedroom and says he is talking them, but the lack of new prescriptions arriving in the post is telling so I know he doesn't take them properly, but he is an adult and can be stubborn. I have told him of the risks and side effects but he avoids thinking about worrying things which doesn't help at all! Added to this, his mental health issues have contributed to comfort eating and he tends to binge eat during the night. This causes difficulties when I am struggling financially to provide meals. Add to this that I am completely exhausted myself and the situation becomes dire. If I fall asleep as soon as I sit down after work then that doesn't help anyone. I am off work this week and will make him a GP appointment so they can broach the subject of not taking his meds properly. The problem is that he is an adult so I can't independently seek external help for him, he has to do it for himself.

@SpecialControlGroup thanks for your comments, I do appreciate it. Bearing in mind that this has been continuing since before my son did his GCSEs (I had to go into school with him so he didn't have a panic attack) you will see we have been tussling with this for many years. I have tried every personal approach to try to get him to sort himself out. Unfortunately in this country once you hit 16 you are considered an adult and parents are actively discouraged from trying to help.

Of course the worry of what will happen to him when I'm no longer around is constantly on my mind. As parents all we want is to raise well adjusted people who live their beat lives. I have two older sons from my first marriage who are just that, they work hard, are married and have children and are well adjusted and happy. I guess my younger son and daughter are less resilient as was their father. I found out their father was previously married, had mental health issues, his wife kicked him out and he broke into the house, got into bed with her, and dramatically slit his wrists with a Stanley knife right before her eyes. Removing him from my younger son and daughters lives while still keeping a relationship with him has been difficult, but it has worked. I feel there is something in my youngest two's genes that they inherited from their dad, a lack of resilience.

I don't actually do much for either DS or DD other than work to keep a roof over our heads, providing food and paying bills. I will keep trying to get both of them to do what they need to do to get healthy, but I certainly wouldn't expect my daughter to do that if I was gone, of course not! I don't think she would anyway, if I am away for any reason they each stay in their bedrooms and barely communicate with each other.