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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

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Original poster

Disrespectful son

53 replies

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 21:12

DC has been disrespectful, angry, lazy and rude for ages. We have always let it go as he is 19 and we thought he would come through the other side having seen the error of his ways. But the final straw was last evening.
He and his girlfriend were having sex in the shower which is right next to the lounge and they knew we were sitting there and would hear everything. Hubbie knocked and asked them to not do it in the shower we all use. When they came out we had a chat and DC got really angry and the both left. 4am they came back and she stayed over and he didn't go to work.
We have no plates, cups and cutlery as they are all either in his room or in the garage room where he smokes weed.
He never clears up after using the kitchen and I find his clothes dumped in the garage, I don't want to mention the toilet state.
We have helped him get on the road purchased him a car and pay the insurance, we never set any rules apart from girlfriend can't stay over during the week.
There's loads more stuff but you get the picture.
Tonight hubbie asked him to not have GF over this week and DC said we need to have a think about how we treat him! He came up in hubbies face. Hubbie asked him to look for a room and when he is ready to move out. DC then took some clothes and has now gone.
Have we been unfair and how do we move on from this, I am worried about him when he is not smoking he is lovely. I'm devastated but feeling guilty as it is a relief we now have some peace. Help, comments really appreciated.😪

OP posts:

GoodChat · 08/02/2023 21:14

Your husband has done the right thing. He's completely disrespectful and there's no talking to him. It's pretty twisted to intentionally have loud sex right next to where you know your family are.

Does he work? Can he afford to rent a room?

HazardaGuest · 08/02/2023 21:16

He needs to move out and then he may realise now good he had it with you. He won’t grow up living at home.

KangarooKenny · 08/02/2023 21:17

You have not been unfair, you’ve been very tolerant up to now. You keep moving forward and have him move out.
Hopefully one day he will realise what an arse he has been.

Sindonym · 08/02/2023 21:18

Gosh he needs to go. If he stays it will just escalate. And who wants to hear noisy sex ffs.

He also needs to stop smoking weed. Not from any moral pov but because from managing 20 year olds myself the ones who smoke a lot have no motivation, are bone idle and spend about half their salary on weed. What a waste. My kids don’t seem to be into it, but if they do ever start using it they won’t be smoking in my house (for above reasons).

So yes leave him to crack on. I have kids of a similar age. When he wants to move back in lay some ground rules & stick to them.

spidereggs · 08/02/2023 21:18

I agree with your husband. Do you have younger children?

And I would be disappointed if that was my daughter as well. Both of them, need to grow up

ThreeblackCats · 08/02/2023 21:21

You raised him!

How did you expect him to turn out if you’re too lazy to say “fetch through all your dirty cups” ?

You reap what you sow.

Beamur · 08/02/2023 21:27

Time for him to move out.

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 22:49

Thanks for the feedback everyone, we will stick to our guns and have him move out.
@ThreeblackCats I have been asking him for about a year to bring stuff down or clear up. We cleared his room for him 3 months ago and within a week it was back to the same. Your right we did raise him plus my older son with the same morals, my older son is nothing like this.
We do blame ourselves as we were more lenient with him so yes your right we are reeping what we've sown.
He does work but even his car is trashed inside like a tramp has been living in it. But that's his domain.
Would you give him money for a room to get him started.
I hope he does realize we are nice parents it would be a shame to lose him completely, I'm scared of this.

OP posts:

GoldilockMom · 08/02/2023 22:53

Tough love is the way forward.

Yes you allowed him to treat you this way, and he should by now respect your home and rules.

No to the money, if he wants money he has to go to work. If he wants his gf over in the week he needs his own place.

Don’t back down and let him work out how to be the adult he wants to be.

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 22:54

@GoodChat yes he works but like @Sindonym says he spends most of it on weed. It makes him lazy and not care about stuff in the home, he loses keys and never apologises for anything, everything is always someone else's fault.
Do I let him sort a room himself or help him pay the deposit etc.?

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 22:57

@KangarooKenny I like what you have said, that's what I am hoping for I just don't want to lose him forever, some kids hold grudges for a very long time.

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GoldDuster · 08/02/2023 23:01

Time for him to grow up, he's had it all his own road until now, you've been clearing his room? He's a grown man!

Time to lean some lessons for this one, he needs to pay his way, not his dealer.

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 23:02

@GoldilockMom what if he asks to borrow it.
Sounds good though, not done the tuff love thing properly before I always back down one way or the other just to keep the peace and some sort of relationship with him. This is going to be heart breaking but you are right.

OP posts:

Cantwait4summer94 · 08/02/2023 23:03

Tell him to move out

Wearingatshirt · 08/02/2023 23:04

Don't give him money for a deposit, he'll have less to spend on weed at least! He's taking the piss and showing no respect for either of you. Hopefully he'll come to his senses. At 19 he's old enough to clean up his own shit pit. Upsetting for you but stick to it all. You deserve to live somewhere where you're treated fairly too.

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 23:08

I wished he could read what your saying, he thinks we treat him badly.
I'm not sure what planet he's on if he can't see it or is he playing us for the fools we have been, he knows I love him to bits. There's so much I can't tell you but I've bailed him out of sticky situations and still I'm a bad person.
I'm waiting for him to tell us the gf is pregnant. !!!

OP posts:

Shoemadlady · 08/02/2023 23:11

Why not be explicit about your expectations with him, ie, we expect you to behave as part of this family and take responsibility in the home such as bringing cups / plates back and filing dishwasher etc. cook a meal a week for everyone in the house / do some chores / no smoking in the house etc. if he can agree to those and behaves like an adult he's welcome to stay, if not he'll have to find somewhere else to live

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 23:14

@Wearingatshirt your last sentence says it all. I hate coming home worried about what I'm walking into and if we will have to have a situation. So yes that's exactly what I will say to him if he ever comes back to chat. I don't want to say this but I am scared of him as he gets so angry I'm worried about what he will do next. I hope I'm being stupid and over reacting here.

OP posts:

determinedtomakethiswork · 08/02/2023 23:14

It's time he moved out. He's not going to grow up while he's living with you I'm afraid. I think I would pay a landlord directly, but I wouldn't give him the money himself as it will just go on weed. I would get him to go immediately. He can stay at his girlfriend's given she feels she can stay with you. I can't believe the pair of them having sex in the shower next to you.

Dotcheck · 08/02/2023 23:16

We never set any rules

hmm, I think that could be your problem?
Why do you let him smoke weed in your house? And why have you not insisted that he keep his space tidy?

He doesn’t know any differently than to be indulged- he won’t appreciate it.

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 23:20

@Dotcheck he doesn't smoke in the house but I agree with you we have messed up trying to be the understanding parents, seeing it from a teenagers point of view that sort of thing. Hoping that he will say"my parents are really easy going but I respect them because they are good to me" but that's not worked at all. It has with my eldest son though.

OP posts:

Original poster

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 23:24

@determinedtomakethiswork I know it was shocking, no shame or respect at all, I can't believe the girlfriend didn't say no, not when your parents are there. They never go round hers ever. I asked them to try acting this way round hers for a week and see how her mum likes it, that made him really mad but they said nothing to that.

OP posts:

xJoy · 08/02/2023 23:28

No, you have done the right thing! I have a 19 year old so I'm not the mum of toddlers if that makes a difference. I do have a 16 year old with a week's worth of dishes on the floor in his room and it's maddening, but the sex in the shower takes the biscuit!!! And he's not trying to be quiet hoping (in a naive way) that you wouldnt hear or wouldn't know. He's just so unapologetic. I think you did the right thing and he can figure out the balance between paying all his own bills and / or consideration for the people supporting him.

SkyHippoOnACloud · 08/02/2023 23:58

You do realise he's not going to move out of his own accord? He's stormed off in a huff that's all. He's not going to voluntarily spend less on weed so he can pay rent, especially not when he knows he can bully you and your husband into getting his own way. You talk about seeing the error of his ways, but with no negative consequences for his bad behaviour it hasn't been an "error" for him, it's worked very well! Change the locks before he comes back from whichever mates floor he's sleeping on.

Would you give him money for a room to get him started.

No. You may as well be giving him money for drugs.

Do I let him sort a room himself or help him pay the deposit etc.?

It's not going to be a case of "letting" him sort a room for himself, more forcing him to. Otherwise he'll still be lazing around in your house, smoking weed and surrounded by the detritus of his failed life ten years later. Don't pay the deposit, he has plenty of money he's just spending it on drugs.

what if he asks to borrow it.

I can see how you ended up in this situation! Just. Say. No. And keep saying it whatever "reasons" he comes up with for why he should have it. He doesn't need to borrow money, he can stop smoking weed for a few weeks to raise the necessary funds. Stop paying his car insurance too. If he can't afford it he'll have to use public transport or cycle. Personally I'd prefer someone who's stoned to not be on the road anyway, if he gives up driving it'll be doing society a favour. Alternatively he can do himself a favour and give up drugs to afford insurance. It's not rocket science is it.

Having to make some adult choices could be the making of him. Good luck with the eviction. Don't let him store all his junk in your house until he's 45 either. Moving out means taking it all with him or disposing of it.

Vegansausagevole · 09/02/2023 00:28

It sounds like you have come to the end of the road of him staying at home, normally I would ask would you want him to stay if he got his act together, but it sounds like nothing is going to change while he is at home.
So from a practical point of view make sure that you and your DH are in agreement, no point if one of you is dithering you both must be saying he needs to leave and if your son is likely to kick off you will need your DH’s support . If you want him to be able to leave in a timely fashion, rather than wait “while he saves up” you may have to pay towards a first rent, stopping paying his car insurance will help you with that. Should you have to, no, but it’s gonna benefit you in the long run, but do not give him the money agree to pay it directly to the landlord, oh and on NO account agree to be a guarantor. Do not bother lending him the money, realistically you are never going to see it back. Let’s face it rental properties are hard to come by these days and no landlord is going to be over joyed with a 19 year old tenant coming straight from home, so your son is probably looking at a room in a shared flat. Accept that he’s going to be pissed off with you for a while, being shoved off the gravy train is going to smart for a while, but I’m sure given a little time he’ll come back to the family fold but as a fully functional adult this time. I’ve been through similar and we have a great relationship now.

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