Disrespectful son

[Alwaysintheway]

DC has been disrespectful, angry, lazy and rude for ages. We have always let it go as he is 19 and we thought he would come through the other side having seen the error of his ways. But the final straw was last evening.
He and his girlfriend were having sex in the shower which is right next to the lounge and they knew we were sitting there and would hear everything. Hubbie knocked and asked them to not do it in the shower we all use. When they came out we had a chat and DC got really angry and the both left. 4am they came back and she stayed over and he didn't go to work.
We have no plates, cups and cutlery as they are all either in his room or in the garage room where he smokes weed.
He never clears up after using the kitchen and I find his clothes dumped in the garage, I don't want to mention the toilet state.
We have helped him get on the road purchased him a car and pay the insurance, we never set any rules apart from girlfriend can't stay over during the week.
There's loads more stuff but you get the picture.
Tonight hubbie asked him to not have GF over this week and DC said we need to have a think about how we treat him! He came up in hubbies face. Hubbie asked him to look for a room and when he is ready to move out. DC then took some clothes and has now gone.
Have we been unfair and how do we move on from this, I am worried about him when he is not smoking he is lovely. I'm devastated but feeling guilty as it is a relief we now have some peace. Help, comments really appreciated.😪

Stop worrying about him and let him learn a lesson - that's what's best for him.
I love my DC very much but that kind of behaviour would see them straight through the door.
He should really be ashamed for being so ungrateful, everything handed to him, all money spent on weed and he can't even clear plates??? I wouldn't be enabling one iota of this.

Alwaysintheway
The most important thing I learnt was not to punish or lock horns. No-one wins. The other is to send out the message, loud and clear, that you love them but hate the behaviour.

Would he be amenable to a conversation with you? Like going bowling together and having an informal chat? I stated, over and over, how I felt and which behaviour I didn’t want. I also said that as my dd was an adult she doesn’t have to live at home, as much as I would miss her if she went.

I found calm, loving conversations were productive but it seemed important to my dd for us to listen to her too. She shared that she was struggling mentally and, in a way was acting out - a bit like a toddler would. Once I understood that it was easier to manage.

As I said before though, it was not a sudden fix and we had the same chat over and over. BUT she is still at home and is now respecting our boundaries 90% of the time and I am ok with that as I am not perfect either.

Stay calm, remember you love them and listen to them. (That’s it in a nutshell for me). It’s a marathon not a sprint.

Oh, and I felt like a failure as I felt like the only parent going through this. However, it’s more common than we think and sticking with them and working it out makes us the good enough parents, not the ones who never have the issues.

My relationship with my dd is fantastic now, and two years after the hellish behaviour she apologised to me. That was a moment!!

Good luck.

@crossstitchingnana oh, I know what you mean, I know that moment! Will come, I am sure of it.
What you went through with your dd sound almost the same. We have done all the chats and interventions, he said he was suffering mentally, also he had an embarrassing illness so he didn't go anywhere until he reached 17 and could confidently go out so with that in mind we did be more lenient with him.
He has not come back for two days now so unless we see him tonight, it looks like he has moved on.
I really appreciate ALL the comments from everyone and will put some in place. Fingers crossed everyone x