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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Disrespectful son

53 replies

Alwaysintheway · 08/02/2023 21:12

DC has been disrespectful, angry, lazy and rude for ages. We have always let it go as he is 19 and we thought he would come through the other side having seen the error of his ways. But the final straw was last evening.
He and his girlfriend were having sex in the shower which is right next to the lounge and they knew we were sitting there and would hear everything. Hubbie knocked and asked them to not do it in the shower we all use. When they came out we had a chat and DC got really angry and the both left. 4am they came back and she stayed over and he didn't go to work.
We have no plates, cups and cutlery as they are all either in his room or in the garage room where he smokes weed.
He never clears up after using the kitchen and I find his clothes dumped in the garage, I don't want to mention the toilet state.
We have helped him get on the road purchased him a car and pay the insurance, we never set any rules apart from girlfriend can't stay over during the week.
There's loads more stuff but you get the picture.
Tonight hubbie asked him to not have GF over this week and DC said we need to have a think about how we treat him! He came up in hubbies face. Hubbie asked him to look for a room and when he is ready to move out. DC then took some clothes and has now gone.
Have we been unfair and how do we move on from this, I am worried about him when he is not smoking he is lovely. I'm devastated but feeling guilty as it is a relief we now have some peace. Help, comments really appreciated.😪

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 09/02/2023 03:17

here's so much I can't tell you but I've bailed him out of sticky situations and still I'm a bad person.

It sounds like it is more important for you to be liked by your son than to teach him what he needs to know to function in society.

Sindonym · 09/02/2023 06:25

SkyHippoOnACloud · 08/02/2023 23:58

You do realise he's not going to move out of his own accord? He's stormed off in a huff that's all. He's not going to voluntarily spend less on weed so he can pay rent, especially not when he knows he can bully you and your husband into getting his own way. You talk about seeing the error of his ways, but with no negative consequences for his bad behaviour it hasn't been an "error" for him, it's worked very well! Change the locks before he comes back from whichever mates floor he's sleeping on.

Would you give him money for a room to get him started.

No. You may as well be giving him money for drugs.

Do I let him sort a room himself or help him pay the deposit etc.?

It's not going to be a case of "letting" him sort a room for himself, more forcing him to. Otherwise he'll still be lazing around in your house, smoking weed and surrounded by the detritus of his failed life ten years later. Don't pay the deposit, he has plenty of money he's just spending it on drugs.

what if he asks to borrow it.

I can see how you ended up in this situation! Just. Say. No. And keep saying it whatever "reasons" he comes up with for why he should have it. He doesn't need to borrow money, he can stop smoking weed for a few weeks to raise the necessary funds. Stop paying his car insurance too. If he can't afford it he'll have to use public transport or cycle. Personally I'd prefer someone who's stoned to not be on the road anyway, if he gives up driving it'll be doing society a favour. Alternatively he can do himself a favour and give up drugs to afford insurance. It's not rocket science is it.

Having to make some adult choices could be the making of him. Good luck with the eviction. Don't let him store all his junk in your house until he's 45 either. Moving out means taking it all with him or disposing of it.

I agree with this. Weed seems to be a real problem with a whole load of 20 somethings who spend a mortgage amount on weed each month. They can afford it because they live at home. I don’t really have a moral opinion on weed (and reckon a lot if the problems arise because it is illegal but socially acceptable) - but it does seem to trap them into boring, unmotivated lives - and often seems to be indirectly funded by parents. Just my observations from the young stoners I know.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 09:34

Don't give him deposit money. It's his problem.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 09/02/2023 09:39

Not sex but arguing... We heard ds and his gf arguing. No victim blaming but hell was she goading him when he was trying to go to sleep. She had a problem with alcohol sadly.. He slapped her. I threw him out next morning.. We did help with his move into a flat. Not financially though as they both worked. His/her behaviour were more than was acceptable to us. Stick to your guns op.

crossstitchingnana · 09/02/2023 11:09

The weed smoking is the issue for me. That's what I wouldn't be able to tolerate. The rest seems like him treating your home like it's his, solely and it's yours. Typical of young adults from my experience. I have 2 dds of a similar age. No plates, no towels, noisy sex etc.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 11:11

crossstitchingnana · 09/02/2023 11:09

The weed smoking is the issue for me. That's what I wouldn't be able to tolerate. The rest seems like him treating your home like it's his, solely and it's yours. Typical of young adults from my experience. I have 2 dds of a similar age. No plates, no towels, noisy sex etc.

You need to teach your children to have some respect too, then.

Dacadactyl · 09/02/2023 11:16

WTAF, are you mad OP? I can't believe what I just read. My son would be out on his arse quick smart if he ever even dreamed of acting like yours is. My God, he wouldn't even dare.

No to any money, no to any "help" finding somewhere.

Tell him "you have one month to find somewhere else to live. Yes, we are kicking you out. I couldn't give a shit what you think of that. When you sort yourself out, our door will be open, but you're an adult and a pisstaker at the minute. Bye bye".

If you have younger kids you need to do a parenting course or something because I have no idea how this sort of situation can even happen.

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 09/02/2023 11:20

OP Tough love is needed here.. actually is what was needed ages ago when he started smoking weed.
No money
No help
Nothing until he shows you he is turning his life around.
Do not weaken

WinterFoxes · 09/02/2023 11:22

Where are your ground rules? No way would I let an adult child live in my house and smoke weed.

He needs to move out and he needs to pay his own way. If he comes to you for help, be very kind but firm and say something like, 'Sorry, but you ended up so entitled and disrespectful to us, we think it is our duty as parents to make you grow up by rtaking responsibility for yourself - for your outgoings, income, behaviour and its repercussions. This isn't easy because we love you but us being soft on you and giving you what you want with no effort on your part has led to you being lazy and aggressive. You can't go through life like that. You have to grow up.'

BeautifulDayintheneighbourhood · 09/02/2023 11:26

Write down some house rules, give him chores. Ask him to clean up his room and the garage once a week and then check it is done. Give him notice to find his own place - perhaps six weeks. Tell him if he doesn't stick to the rules and start showing some respect you will take the car back and cancel the insurance. Also, his girlfriend is not allowed to stay over at all in future and if she comes round, she shows some respect to you as well. It's time to toughen up. Certainly don't give him any money.

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 09/02/2023 12:56

@Coyoacan spot on..

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 09/02/2023 13:36

Goodchat

Judgey much? My young adult kids don't always get it right and do leave plates in their rooms, along with towels. I find I speak to them about it, and now they ring them down AND wash them up. It's taken a while to get to this point.

Nagging, threatening, punishing etc with teens and young adults DOES NOT WORK. It just creates more conflict.

I was making the point that the plates etc is normal but weed smoking in the house is not.

Yes, my 21 year old dd did have noisy sex with her boyfriend until I had a chat with her, telling her how I found it upsetting to hear. It took a while but now she gets it.

I imagine that either your kids are young, scared of you so never put a foot wrong or you don't have any.

GoodChat · 09/02/2023 13:48

@crossstitchingnana it was the noisy sex I have a problem with and you said you have the same problem but now you're saying you don't anymore.

Someone who responds to a conversation about them having noisy sex in the way OPs son did has some issues.

The plates etc are part and parcel of teens but certainly not a 21 year old. I'm only 6 years older than your daughter so, yes, my children are young, but it also means I'm certain my behaviour wasn't like hers just a few years ago.

ThePear · 09/02/2023 14:02

What @Dacadactyl and many others said. He can divert his weed money in to housing himself. I would rather your stoned, aggressive son is off the road, too. Sounds like you and ‘hubbie’ have been prostrating yourself before your son for years, desperate for him to like you? And this is the results of that.

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 09/02/2023 19:40

@ThePear yes I agree, if he does that he may get off the weed and become the nice person he was before ir. He does not smoke it in the house, always outside or in the garage. Also I am very guilty of behaving the way you said, I have been trying to be friends and happy and understanding, but I do this so he is not frightened to come to me if he has a problem but as you say it's back fired on me. Hubbie is more strict and deals with things head on. So I need to grow a pair and not worry about being friends anymore. Which I will definately do. By the way he left last night and has not been back so maybe he has found somewhere 🤔 we didn't not ask him to leave right away. Maybe this is going to work out for the best.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 09/02/2023 19:47

@Coyoacan Your right, we have always been worried about lads going out and getting stabbed or ending up mixing with the wrong crowd so it's always been our way to let them have more freedom at home so they don't feel they have to find acceptance from strangers to do teen things and end up losing their way so that's been my ulterior motive to keep an open mind and keep the peace so he feels he doesn't have to be a secret squirrel. It worked for a while but it's back fired.

OP posts:
Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 09/02/2023 19:50

@crossstitchingnana so you know what we are going through, I'm interested to hear how you dealt with it maybe you have some tips

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 09/02/2023 19:56

I'm glad you took my comment in the spirit it was given in.

Bringing up teenagers is like walking a tight-rope. A practice that works when they are 14, may not work when they are 16. And what works for one, may not work with another

Original poster
Alwaysintheway · 09/02/2023 20:10

@Coyoacan of course I would have this is what this site is for, if I'm not ready to take the blame why bother asking, I love it when people say it how they see it, we are all on a learning curve with children so yeh, say it how it is. Also I am painfully finding that out about the what works with what age etc. so eight again @Coyoacan

OP posts:
Carlycat · 09/02/2023 23:27

You've created a monster. Get rid

Stomacharmeleon · 09/02/2023 23:42

You need to show him your serious. If you have a deadbolt I suggest you use it.
I have three sons and one of my non negotiable is weed. I know lots don't see the harm but my eldest developed psychosis and spent a long time on a psych ward.
So if they want to break the law and do things I don't agree with they can do it in their own gaffs
If he wants to live as an adult with you he needs to be respectful. Does he pay rent?

thepatronsaintofbubblewrap · 09/02/2023 23:49

It's bizarre that they had loud sex knowing you'd hear.. I'd be hypervigilant worrying if I were them in the same house.

Kidspartyideasplease · 09/02/2023 23:50

Does anyone else read these threads absolutely gobsmacked and think back to exactly how their parents would’ve handled it if they had done similar..!

mumtobeauts · 10/02/2023 00:07

You need to be stricker to him! I would stop the weed smoking and tell him he needs to clean up after him self and I wouldn't be buying him any paying for a car if he doesn't treat yous right! And having sex in the shower I would have gone mad

Thepossibility · 10/02/2023 00:27

You've been too nice for too long, now he feels entitled.
Getting him out in the real world will be the best thing for him.
Give him a date to leave and stick to it.
Don't hand over money ffs.
Weed saps the drive out of people. My brother is 38 and unemployed, smoking his days away living with our mother. It stunts their emotional growth and desire to be independent.
He needs to stand in his own two feet, sooner rather than later.