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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Anyone love and adore, bit feel exhausted by , adult dc ?

65 replies

Treesandbeesz · 19/12/2022 20:57

Both are in good jobs after graduating.
Both lovely humans .

I feel utterly exhausted by the need to support them . I know that i am very lucky .. i really do .. but when they are little you can make it better with a cuddle and a drink of milk and a biccy!

This phase .. you have to watch them make mistakes , not give unwanted advice.
In the last year ive seen one dc
heartbroken re relationship.
one needing medical help.
start new job .
help move flat .
help their bereaved partner.
worry about a ( proven ) dishonestly / moral issue in the partner .
dc being treated a bit odd by partner.
hosted dc and their partner at our house many many times ( wdf ) so come to stay when they fancy . Expensive at the mo .
helped with car costs , hosusing costs for both ( rent deposits ) , basic new furniture .

They are both comming for the whole of c mas until the new year and want partner s parents to come too for part of it .

its nice that they want us involved in their lives .. its just that i find the 20 s a whole new phase .

and secretly we could do with a holiday … much as we love them .

feel so tired .

OP posts:
oldestmumaintheworld · 19/12/2022 21:10

I understand how you feel, but really you need to take a step back and say No a bit more often. Coming for weekend? No sorry we're going away. Bringing partners parents for Christmas? Sorry No. Money for rent/car/furniture. No.
They are your children and always will be, but saying No doesn't make you a bad parent.

Ragwort · 19/12/2022 21:38

You are far too enmeshed in their lives ... of course it's nice to be close to your adult DC (I have a 21 year old DS myself, sitting on the sofa beside me now!) but you do need to assert boundaries. There is no way on earth that you should be expected to host their partner's parents Hmm. Don't make it so comfortable for your DC .. my DS has never asked to bring a girlfriend home to stay let alone live with us Shock.

Flowerandmpower · 19/12/2022 21:42

Ive tried that tactic about saying ..no sorry we are going away .. if they have a key to the house , as ours do , it doesn't work .. they say no worries , we will come and look after the house ! So watch out !

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 19/12/2022 21:44

I feel your pain. I’m worn out from mine. I should have put more boundaries in place years ago. My parents were very disinterested in me and unsupportive, so I’ve gone too far the other way.

snowinthesticks · 19/12/2022 21:49

Not in the same way.
My 20+ DC are the light of my life. DH and I are getting on a bit and live a quiet life.
This weekend we've had both DC plus one partner staying here, first time I've had them both at once since last Christmas.
It's absolutely lovely but quite hard work. There is however, something about having the chicks back in the nest for a day or two, that makes it all worthwhile.

purpledalmation · 19/12/2022 22:03

It only gets better when they are in a solid relationship with kids.

eddiemairswife · 19/12/2022 22:26

I have 4, the oldest is just 60. When I got to 80 I said that from now on I would step back and let them be the responsible ones. It works.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 19/12/2022 22:50

eddiemairswife · 19/12/2022 22:26

I have 4, the oldest is just 60. When I got to 80 I said that from now on I would step back and let them be the responsible ones. It works.

I have to wait until I’m 80? 😕

mdinbc · 19/12/2022 23:23

I do find that you never stop being a parent, and you never stop worrying about them.

But I found as they went to their early 20's to later 20's they settled a bit and problem solved on their own more. My 3 are late 20's to early 30's, all with good partners, homes and jobs, but it took a while to get there!

SwedishEdith · 19/12/2022 23:28

Why do your children's partners' parents even want to come and stay with you? That's quite unusual.

Flowerandmpower · 20/12/2022 10:04

I suspect the parents want to see their adult kids and are going where they are ?

CuteBear · 20/12/2022 10:53

I think it’s very weird that they’ve invited their DP’s family to yours for Christmas. That’s not on. Say no. Also, I’m in my mid-20s and my parents didn’t help me with car costs, house costs, or Uni costs (although they helped me move in and out of accommodation and visited).

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/12/2022 17:36

Sounds like they need to grow up a bit. I'm 27 and can't say I've leant on my mum for much bar the occasional upset chat (but she does that back too) and some weekend visits (I like 300miles away and she's rather I was there more 😂).

Why are you paying their car costs? If they can't afford those then they can't have a car... that's how it works

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/12/2022 17:36

And by the above I mean since I left uni (21) she hasn't needed to help. If they're early 20s it's more understandable.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 20/12/2022 17:38

You shouldn't be paying for furniture etc either... we watched TV on camp chairs for a month or so until we could buy a couch. Like everyone else I know

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 21/12/2022 05:56

SwedishEdith · 19/12/2022 23:28

Why do your children's partners' parents even want to come and stay with you? That's quite unusual.

My sons partner is insistent on us spending xmas with her parents. She can’t seem to imagine spending xmas without them. She’s even talked about them driving up to spend NY with us and we live at the other end of the country to them. I find it weird and am tired of side stepping the conversation. They are very different people to us and really wouldn’t get on in that scenario.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 05:57

eddiemairswife · 19/12/2022 22:26

I have 4, the oldest is just 60. When I got to 80 I said that from now on I would step back and let them be the responsible ones. It works.

This made me laugh out loud!!

cantley · 21/12/2022 06:07

Start saying no to things.
Set boundaries.
Don't try to solve all their problems.
( mine are 25 and 28).

cantley · 21/12/2022 06:09

And we are very loving and close.

KangarooKenny · 21/12/2022 06:13

I wouldn’t be supporting them financially that much at their age.

closingscore · 21/12/2022 06:15

Yes it can be mentally exhausting.

I still find myself taking on a lot of their worries but it's my own fault and I know I need to step back and let them get on with it, just be supportive without trying to solve their problems.

I thought it would be easier with the eldest once they got their own house but I find myself worrying about their energy bills/ whether their boiler needs servicing and things like that, I'm my own worst enemy!

Randomheadache · 21/12/2022 06:28

I've found my tribe! Yes@Treesandbeesz!! I'm another one who has wonderful but very tiring adult DC. I've never been expected to host a partner's parents thank goodness but all the rest sounds familiar! I try not to get too involved with partners- they are welcome at home but nobody stands on ceremony for them and that seems to work.
We usually have family get togethers as a meal out now. Having one or two round is more manageable as we eat on trays in front of the telly.
Also had the heavy lifting of emotional support, but wouldn't have it any other way!
The love is coming back to us in spades but there have been a lot of ups and downs along the way.

Ridelikethewindypops · 21/12/2022 06:30

A relative advised me once on the importance of setting boundaries with young adult dc. She said you need to behave like an interested loving aunt. You love them and care for them, but don't solve their problems for them. You rejoice in their achievements and offer sympathy when things go wrong. But they shouldn't expect (nor want) your constant intervention. The idea is that you maintain a loving relationship whilst encouraging their independence.
Mine are still teens so I've no idea if I'll manage to achieve all of the above.

arghtriffid · 21/12/2022 06:45

My DF seemed a lot happier oncer I got married! It was true DH and I worked out things together then instead of leaning on my family for support.

Keepitrealnomists · 21/12/2022 06:46

Your far too involved. You would drive me nuts, leave them to it but be there for them shiukd they need you. Say no more and the Christmas thing with partners parents is a hard No and frankly bizarre!