Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Anyone love and adore, bit feel exhausted by , adult dc ?

65 replies

Treesandbeesz · 19/12/2022 20:57

Both are in good jobs after graduating.
Both lovely humans .

I feel utterly exhausted by the need to support them . I know that i am very lucky .. i really do .. but when they are little you can make it better with a cuddle and a drink of milk and a biccy!

This phase .. you have to watch them make mistakes , not give unwanted advice.
In the last year ive seen one dc
heartbroken re relationship.
one needing medical help.
start new job .
help move flat .
help their bereaved partner.
worry about a ( proven ) dishonestly / moral issue in the partner .
dc being treated a bit odd by partner.
hosted dc and their partner at our house many many times ( wdf ) so come to stay when they fancy . Expensive at the mo .
helped with car costs , hosusing costs for both ( rent deposits ) , basic new furniture .

They are both comming for the whole of c mas until the new year and want partner s parents to come too for part of it .

its nice that they want us involved in their lives .. its just that i find the 20 s a whole new phase .

and secretly we could do with a holiday … much as we love them .

feel so tired .

OP posts:

caringcarer · 21/12/2022 14:23

A year ago my son had just left home at 34 having finally saved enough for decent deposit. He had to move to North to afford a house. He got a new job which he likes. He got a new girlfriend who I think is lovely and so sensible. She is having a great influence on him and I see his choices are now bills get paid first, then saving a bit, then he can spend what's left. In the past it was always spend what he wanted, never any savings, no real bills to pay then. In the past it was always Mum bailed him out. Now he has invited me up for Xmas day so I don't have to cook Xmas dinner. I'm certain his girlfriend must have suggested it to him because I don't think he'd think Mum might like a break from cooking. I have heard people say a mans behaviour reflects their partner and I am so very happy he has found a really lovely partner. Moving away has been the making of him and he got a promotion too.

AutumnCrow · 21/12/2022 14:44

I think it's knowing when to step in, isn't it? The default position being, don't. Give them privacy and autonomy.

But any signs of real distress, or abuse, then I would feel that I needed to be there for them.

Ursuladevine · 21/12/2022 15:53

caringcarer · 21/12/2022 14:23

Watch that she doesn’t become unhappy having stepped in to the Mum role!

caringcarer · 21/12/2022 20:14

@Ursuladevine, he cooks for her quite often. He just seems more mature and considerate. I think she brings out best I him.

Ridelikethewindypops · 22/12/2022 08:18

Now I'm getting worried that my plans to retire early are in jeopardy... The whole budget hinges on the 2 dc being out of college and financially independent at 22 🤔

Ursuladevine · 22/12/2022 08:19

caringcarer · 21/12/2022 20:14

@Ursuladevine, he cooks for her quite often. He just seems more mature and considerate. I think she brings out best I him.

I am afraid that going by your first post, I would not be surprised if in a couple of years you recognise an OP in the Relationships forum as being your son’s girlfriend

Positivelypatient · 22/12/2022 16:44

Yes it is exhausting at times, the worry seems endless. I have one DD19 at uni who obviously does still require my full support but also 2 DDs 24 & 26. I find the older ones still divert my attention with their need for support from DD19.
The older DD26 has got much better in the past couple of years since she's been with a partner, they are now her go to person which is a relief.

I have to remind myself of my priorities when I feel torn in every direction.

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 22/12/2022 17:25

Ridelikethewindypops · 22/12/2022 08:18

Now I'm getting worried that my plans to retire early are in jeopardy... The whole budget hinges on the 2 dc being out of college and financially independent at 22 🤔

Umm.. cloud cuckoo land I think.

HerRoyalNotness · 22/12/2022 18:03

user1474315215 · 21/12/2022 10:11

I think these responses are really sad. I'm very close to my adult DC and am very happy to support them when they need it. Equally they go out of their way to support me if necessary. Surely that's what loving families are supposed to do?

I agrée. Why would you begrudge helping and caring for your Dc no matter their age? It would be a pleasure for me.

User89174648495 · 22/12/2022 18:11

You sound lovely but I think you need to set some boundaries - I’m x age and this is exhausting for me to keep hosting. You could do x, y, z to help and you can stay 4 days type thing. You are older, children not kids anymore. You need to show them how to move to the next stage.

MrNorrell · 22/12/2022 18:30

I'm in my 20s and would regard myself as quite close with my parents. If I ever really needed help, I'm sure they'd offer it and vice versa.

But I've never asked for or expected help with things like rent deposit or new furniture. It certainly wouldn't cross my mind to ask my parents to drive 6 hours to help me put furniture together, for God's sake. I'm with PP when they say there's an issue with boundaries here. They might always be your children but they aren't, you know, actual children.

Some of the emotional burden is fairly inevitable I guess. My mum's a bit of a worrier anyway and has a tendency to catastrophize, so even with me being fairly self contained (I think), she does worry about a lot of stuff she really doesn't have to.

GlumGum · 22/12/2022 18:45

I suppose in the past, people married much younger and parents died earlier, so maybe these issues are a modern problem.
It does seem exhausting to have to be worrying and sorting out adult children, well after their teens, unless they have learning difficulties, which is a completely different situation, of course.

IAmTheFire · 22/12/2022 18:49

Walnutwhipsarenothesame · 19/12/2022 22:50

I have to wait until I’m 80? 😕

Show quote history

Nope, you could do what my Dad did (after being absent most of our teen years anyway) and decide that at 18, we can’t have anything from him - and I mean nothing. Meanwhile, at 62, he still bleeds my Grandparents dry in every way possible.

birthdaybonanza · 22/12/2022 19:10

Could do what my in-laws did and emigrate to the other side of the world with ZERO plans to come back for visits. (5 children between them, 3 grandchildren) plus elderly parent still alive in UK.

Living the carefree life with NO responsibility.

FrozenGhost · 22/12/2022 19:36

The money thing and the dps parents staying is a bit much, but it's interesting the first 'burden' you mention is just worrying about them and watching their lives. That's hardly their fault, is it? Step back a bit.

My parents would say the same as you, that they are so busy worrying because I make "terrible" decisions, but there is really no need to worry. Maybe every decision isn't exactly what they would choose but I'm a very sensible, boring person with a normal life and a job, house, car, husband, kids, savings etc. Really no need to worry if, for example, I go on holiday somewhere they personally don't fancy.

So just watch out for that.

Flip

1 2 3