Anyone love and adore, bit feel exhausted by , adult dc ?

[Treesandbeesz]

Both are in good jobs after graduating.
Both lovely humans .

I feel utterly exhausted by the need to support them . I know that i am very lucky .. i really do .. but when they are little you can make it better with a cuddle and a drink of milk and a biccy!

This phase .. you have to watch them make mistakes , not give unwanted advice.
In the last year ive seen one dc
heartbroken re relationship.
one needing medical help.
start new job .
help move flat .
help their bereaved partner.
worry about a ( proven ) dishonestly / moral issue in the partner .
dc being treated a bit odd by partner.
hosted dc and their partner at our house many many times ( wdf ) so come to stay when they fancy . Expensive at the mo .
helped with car costs , hosusing costs for both ( rent deposits ) , basic new furniture .

They are both comming for the whole of c mas until the new year and want partner s parents to come too for part of it .

its nice that they want us involved in their lives .. its just that i find the 20 s a whole new phase .

and secretly we could do with a holiday … much as we love them .

feel so tired .

Aside from the financial bits where I'm assuming they asked for your help, do they need your support? Or do you assume they do?

My in laws would probably say we need help and therefore try to involve themselves more in our lives, but we really really don't need it (we never accept financial help). They just still see DH as a kid even though he's an adult with his own and a good career, own house etc! Drives us both mad. They literally will tell him when they think he needs a haircut (he just gets it done when he wants to, so doesn't listen).

Why would you have been involved in supporting them when one of them started a new job? Surely you just say 'that's good love' and ask how it's going once it's started? Giving them a hug after they've had their heartbroken is just a normal thing to do? I needed medical attention earlier in the year, and the only involvement our parents had was looking after DD so DH could come with me.

As for partners parents coming to stay just say there's no room. Though it's not as unusual as PP's seem to be making out. Kids benefit from both sides of their families getting on (assuming no abuse etc)

Oh god I hope this isn’t me in 20 years! My parents arent very supportive emotionally (or financially but I wouldn’t expect or accept that), but my dad will do a little bit of DIY and that’s it really. Too tired to play with the kids even. So I was hoping I would go the other way (just like my parents’ parents were 🤔). But not too far, it seems 😄

Same here and I'm watching this thread with interest as DC are 20 and 21 and we have already ticked many boxes on OP's list - especially this autumn, leaving me stressed, a lot poorer and shattered. I need to step back but so don't want to turn into my own dismissive parents so don't know the boundaries.

Yep I feel same. I assumed it got easier when they become adults ! Suspect it will get worse with grandchildren. But I do love how close we are, I'm just exhausted.

We have similar situation.
for e example one of our ds is not in a relationship so when they are ill or have a problem they need to share and talk through , then they come to us as they dont have partner to talk to . In that way we are more involved in their life .
Re money helpr, e have been asked to help wirh rent. Deposits which are expensive .

If they really want parents to meet they can arrange a meal out in the new year.

Everything else just step back a bit.

Thanks for posting this op.

I have been surprised and exhausted by how much emotional and practical support my teen and young adult have needed this year. Especially as my parents were only tangentially involved with me at this age!

Believe me, I have tried to step back but events have kept us involved: a housing situation that went wrong and a difficult uni experience. Both are still financially dependent on us while they study so what are we supposed to do? Insist they can’t swap uni courses and refuse to help with all the attendant upheaval? Or say ‘sorry, you have to be homeless for a while’?

Although we obviously don’t expect thanks, I don’t think either of them truly understand the level of effort and stress that dh and I have been under recently trying to do everything necessary to support them and both work full time.

I feel really drained and desperately need a break and I would ideally like to spend Christmas on an island somewhere on my own! Somewhere dh could come and join me after a week of total solitude.

Instead of which, while they are home for the holidays, I am chauffeuring the dc around, picking up after them, being woken up by them coming in late, shopping for their favourite foods.

Why do we do it to ourselves?

I think these responses are really sad. I'm very close to my adult DC and am very happy to support them when they need it. Equally they go out of their way to support me if necessary. Surely that's what loving families are supposed to do?

I have found my people, thanks so much for starting this thread. I never anticipated being so wrapped up in their constant dramas in their 20s. I’m pretty sure our difficulty in letting go stems from the fact that we don’t have any other relatives in the country where we live, so we feel guilty at not giving them an extended family nearby and try to plug the gap ourselves. After 25 years of it we’re exhausted and trying to establish firmer boundaries.

Mine were fine before that.
Of course I helped them, but they didn’t take the piss. Never found them to be a burden.

I have no skin in the game because my two children aren’t remotely adults but I always find these “I feel very sad” posts quite funny. They don’t find it sad at all. Just posting for an opportunity to feel a bit smug!

As older parents eg with hip problems .. we found , for example , a six hour drive , to help build furniture for their new flat.. much more difficult than we would have before . X that by 2 , meant we were actually in pain . I dont thnk they realise how wioed out we were . And it can be cumaltive as we are now doing the shop for christmas , bedsing changes etc .
Its that sort of thing that wears us out .
emotiknally , we support , but try to get them to work out own solutions .

I think in the past parent's switched off teh responsibility for adult dc and as such they chilled more . Our generation have been more hands on parents and maybe that expectation prevails.
It has made me think that we need to be more awarw of our parenting .. as it has undeegone a cultural shift and expectations.

Count yourself lucky

My oldest adult DS lives in America so I hardly ever see him
Would you like to try that?

You never stop being a parent and when the grandchildren come along you want to do all you can in support of them as well. It never stops. This has been the worst week of my life with a new big problem for 17 year old grandson. Head all over the place. Also supporting him mum and dad ...in their forties as the struggle. I am dd's sounding board and will , with her dad, do anything, including financial help to get them through. Keeping watch on younger grandchild too ass she struggles seeing her dB suffering

What a pointless and shaming post. With your attitude, I'm not surprised your DS lives away.

OP, you are clearly are a very loving and engaged Mum and that's wonderful. Your DC's obviously think you are perfectly happy doing what you are and for the most part, perhaps that's true. But you need to step back a little. Set realistic expectations and actually allow yourself to enjoy your children as adults. They're going to be fine, you've taught them well.

Be kind to yourself.

I'm going to recommend a book, it really has changed my entire outlook, please read or listen to it. I don't mean to be pushy but you won't regret it.

Self Compassion by Kristen Neff.

And don’t forget bitter too

and daft. A grieving mother could respond in kind to your post

I'm m not at your life stage yet OP but I think you need to pull back a little.

As previous posters have said; you never stop being a parent. I often look at my in laws and the amount of help they give to my sister in law is insane. She worries them massively, she's nearly 50 and barely independent.

You're providing far too much support for them. You need to back off and be less available. They seem used to you scurrying around after them.
Could you suggest one of them hosts Christmas next year, if you do it this year?

And wouldn't it be equally sad @user1474315215 if you were suggesting that those of us who are offering a lot of support to our young adult DC, and are finding it emotionally and physically tough going, are not somehow "loving" or "close" to our children?

The irony is that if @user1474315215 ’s own child ever struggled with parenting adults then they would likely never lean on @user1474315215 for fear of the “this makes me very sad” speech

This is so true. Having struggled with back pain for three months now I am finding doing the Xmas shop and changing bedding, cleaning the house etc totally exhausting. Every year it’s me because they don’t have the space or resources to host us. I have come to dread Xmas.
They also arrive completely shattered, expecting a rest. So I end up running around doing it all. If I ask for help , they are grudging. Young people don’t realise what it’s like as you get older and get health problems etc.

I also think the amount of support you give depends on lots of things. If there is no wider family around, whether you have family friends, money, earning potential of your children, whether they have additional needs, etc etc. It’s not clear cut. If you don’t live in the same area that brings other issues.

This thread opened my eyes a bit. I'm 35 and since teenage years have been running to my mum with every little problem; she is always, always there to help.

I can't believe I've been so blind and not realise that she's done her bit raising us kids, and now she deserved peace 🙈. I always presumed that she wants to hear my latest news (read: drama), or that she wants to help me with a rental deposit...
I've pushed her to an almost breaking point with my struggles with a colicky baby.

I've just ordered her an extra Xmas gif, sent her a message to say how much I appreciate her, and I'll massively back off with my life dramas and try and only come to her with happy news.

We appreciate you mums so much. I don't know what I would do without mine.

Not everyone is the same though?

As you get older and frailer, the relationship reverses to some extent, and your adult DC start helping you out instead. I brought my DDs up alone (widowed when they were babies) while working full time as a hospital doctor and trying to juggle everything, to be mother and father. I was permanently exhausted for 20 years.
I funded them through uni, and spent my entire pension lump sum on their mortgage deposits to get them their own homes.
But they now each have caring partners, and I have stepped back to enjoy my retirement.
Struggling with long Covid fatigue this year, I was unable to wrestle the 7ft Christmas tree into the house as usual. Both DDs and partners drove the 100 mile round trip to saw the tree to size and decorate it for me.
I will still be hosting Christmas as normal, but now they will be doing the grunt work in the kitchen. The boys also sort any tech issues I have, from setting up a new iphone , installing Netflix, and programming underfloor heating controls via a phone app.
Relationships need to go both ways, OP, and you need to be willing to recognise when you need help. Also, letting go of our children’s reins - launching them as adults - is our final, and v important duty as a parent.