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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Third child to keep one in the nest?

62 replies

ThreeCoffees · 03/12/2022 20:11

I realise I’m posting on the adult children board but would like to ask for a piece of your wisdom!

DH and I are in our early 40’s with two children aged 8 and 6 years. We have deliberated for years about having a third child and quite frankly time is running out.

We acknowledge that having another baby now will create challenges in the short term (as well as bring joys) but actually one of our main concerns is having both our children fly the nest and nearly the same time.

Clearly we’d have a big age gap between the oldest two and the youngest but perhaps it all comes down to the personalities of the children and how much they choose to still stay in touch.

Has anyone who had two wished that they’d had a third so that they still have a younger child around and in the home? Or perhaps anyone who has three and would agree this was an advantage?

OP posts:
TwigTheWonderKid · 03/12/2022 22:23

I know it's hard to believe now but by the time your children are young adults you will feel much more prepared for them to leave home and will have a very different (but not worse) relationship with them.

Itsallyellow22 · 03/12/2022 22:26

That seems a weird way of looking at it. As surely you still end up with an empty nest when the youngest leaves?

ScarlettDarling · 03/12/2022 22:30

As someone who is struggling with my 18 year old leaving the nest to go to uni, I’d still say that this is completely the wrong reason to have another child. You can’t postpone the empty nest forever and it’s not fair to have another baby just so that you can have another few years of a child at home with you.
And I hate to say it but if you’re in your early forties now then your going to still have a primary school aged child when you’re in your fifties. Do you really want to be doing school runs and supervising homework when you could be enjoying a little more freedom?

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2022 22:34

Bizarre! Children leave home however many you have. Once they are teens you will feel more comfortable about this happening believe me…

Mossstitch · 03/12/2022 22:39

Who says you'll ever get an empty nest! I haven't yet with three sons in their 30s!! Youngest never left and another one just asked to move back in😂 However I have to say it wasn't something that i ever considered when deciding how many children I had, my older two were 7 & 4 when I had the youngest and they are best mates despite the gap. I don't think you should worry about empty nest in the future but whether you actually want another baby now.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/12/2022 22:40

That's an odd reason for having a child.Confused
My DBs are about that much older than me and my parents were around your age...the age gap was fine as far as I'm concerned. I don't think a future empty nest remotely entered my parents thought processes... they had a life apart from being parents.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 03/12/2022 22:41

I don't get this at all. They don't stop being your dch when they leave home, so you still have a relationship with them, and tbh they might not leave until they're adults! There was a thread on here a while back about regrets, and IIRC about 70% of people regretted having a third child - not that they didn't love them, but with hindsight, found the expense, running around, after school clubs etc etc made them wish they'd stuck at two.

Numbat2022 · 03/12/2022 22:43

But the third child will leave at some point?

Also, delightful as I'm sure the 8 and 6 year old are now... they will eventually be teenagers and you perhaps won't be quite so keen to have them at home forever...

AccioChocolate · 03/12/2022 22:45

Will you just keep having more?

I think it's a bit unfair to purposely have a child that won't have a proper sibling relationship that the other two have.

user564576 · 03/12/2022 22:47

I know this is a thing. It's the reason DH is getting snipped so if my hormones to do this to me late 30s/40s it's off the table so I don't consider it. It's too much of an age gap and too late to have a child IMO. Quite unfair on the older children. Think what they will be sharing/losing.

ErrolTheDragon · 03/12/2022 22:47

We've got an only, I don't think it was harder for us when she flew the nest than people who'd had more kids. And we got her back when the unis kicked everyone out in 2020, plus her boyfriend!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 03/12/2022 22:48

I think that the one regret I have about having three is that the youngest will be at home alone just with us for quite a few years. I look around at how busy and lively life is and I think that it will be really strange just having one, but at the same time not fully having the freedom of no children at home. I think we will end up borrowing his friends a lot.

nlr1 · 03/12/2022 22:51

Unless your youngest is about 16 and you feel that way I wouldn’t have a child for that reason. You never know how you’ll feel 10 or so years from now or what the circumstances will be. Not every child moves out at 18 and even if they were to the same will happen 6 years later and you’ll have to face that one day. Who knows you might feel more than ready for a quiet house when the time comes

LocalHobo · 03/12/2022 22:53

You can't predict the age they will leave though. Gap years affect age of university entry, some DC may not go to uni - or may go locally and live at home - or may do an apprenticeship nearby etc. etc. the permutations are endless! Many DC are 'boomerangs', back and forth from independent or international living to family home.
It is many years away and, by then, you and DH may want to have time together and/or resources to travel (not least if the existing DC are on the other side of the world).
This is very strange reasoning for an additional child.

TrotOnMinty · 03/12/2022 22:53

Having a baby so it performs a particular job is insanity.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 03/12/2022 23:09

I'm a third child by 5.5 years. I hated my teens after my older DBs had left home.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2022 23:19

You are imagining your cute cuddly loving
"I love you soooo much Mummy!" kids leaving.

In ten years, having survived the Squid Games that is the teen years, you will be standing at the front door with their bag packed ready to wave them off. I had dream teens compared to most and even I was .... sad yes but ready for them to fly. I have long thought that the teenage years are a deliberate trick by mother nature to make sure that parents are happy for their kids to launch, like when mother birds throw their fledglings out in order to help them learn to fly! I wonder what little fuckers baby birds must be for their mothers to think "Fly....die....whatever" Shock Grin

Mañanarama · 03/12/2022 23:27

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2022 23:19

You are imagining your cute cuddly loving
"I love you soooo much Mummy!" kids leaving.

In ten years, having survived the Squid Games that is the teen years, you will be standing at the front door with their bag packed ready to wave them off. I had dream teens compared to most and even I was .... sad yes but ready for them to fly. I have long thought that the teenage years are a deliberate trick by mother nature to make sure that parents are happy for their kids to launch, like when mother birds throw their fledglings out in order to help them learn to fly! I wonder what little fuckers baby birds must be for their mothers to think "Fly....die....whatever" Shock Grin

You put what I wanted to say perfectly.

Mine are mid teens and every day I thank the bloody lord we didn’t have a third. I love the cat, would recommend.

MilkshakesBringAllTheCoosToTheYard · 03/12/2022 23:35

DH caught up with a friend he hadn't seen since lockdown last month and told me that the friend's second DS was finally moving out age 30.

Be careful what you wish for OP.

TheaBrandt · 03/12/2022 23:39

Mine are 14 and 16 and are really lovely but catch myself slightly fantasising about them flying the nest. Can’t imagine feeling particularly thrilled if I had had a now 12 year old i also had to help navigate the teen years….god no thanks.

Sunsetchaser01 · 03/12/2022 23:40

Don't do it. We did, had twins, 4kids was too many, love them all to bits and they are all happy to be part of a big family, reality is though it's tough for the adults...enjoy each other , there is a life for you both after children, or so I hav been told 😁

Aquamarine1029 · 03/12/2022 23:41

TrotOnMinty · 03/12/2022 22:53

Having a baby so it performs a particular job is insanity.

Precisely. How utterly bizarre.

saraclara · 04/12/2022 00:00

Having a baby so it performs a particular job is insanity.

I couldn't agree more. I know that at some level having children is selfish in itself. But to have one simply so that you don't feel sad when the others leave home, is not giving a single thought to how that child will feel. S/he is not a commodity. And as a pp pointed out, the child him/herself will probably be the one feeling lonely, when it's siblings have gone.
That's quite a price for them to have to pay so that YOU'RE not sad.

Sorry, if that's the only reason you'd have a third, it's a really silly and selfish idea.

hobbledyhoy · 04/12/2022 00:08

In the kindest possible way I think you're mad. You have two kids at a great age, why on earth would you go back to the baby age.
Perhaps that's just me but I'm putting off having a second as I'm not sure I can bear the sleep deprivation!

CaronPoivre · 04/12/2022 00:09

We had a gap with our last. It was lovely having someone younger for longer but she went boarding at 14 so didn’t really fill my empty nest.
Im not sure it’s a good reason to have a child - but there are worse reasons too.

I would say having young adult children is brilliant. They come back and want cosseting from university in a way teenagers won’t allow. Then they want to do adult things with you. We’ve had great fun on city breaks together just mother and daughter (s) or father and son(s). We can do what we want but they live close enough to meet for lunch and a dog walk. They invite us to things like their concerts or other events. Then there’s the whole fuss and delight around weddings, setting up house, graduations, passing out, prize giving etc. it’s a lovely stage in life. Not empty at all. More equal. More through choice. More relaxed.

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