Third child to keep one in the nest?

[ThreeCoffees]

I realise I’m posting on the adult children board but would like to ask for a piece of your wisdom!

DH and I are in our early 40’s with two children aged 8 and 6 years. We have deliberated for years about having a third child and quite frankly time is running out.

We acknowledge that having another baby now will create challenges in the short term (as well as bring joys) but actually one of our main concerns is having both our children fly the nest and nearly the same time.

Clearly we’d have a big age gap between the oldest two and the youngest but perhaps it all comes down to the personalities of the children and how much they choose to still stay in touch.

Has anyone who had two wished that they’d had a third so that they still have a younger child around and in the home? Or perhaps anyone who has three and would agree this was an advantage?

This is very true. My cousin is 48 and still lives with my aunt and uncle. He has a girlfriend of a few years and says he won't move in with her as he likes it at his parents house 🤣

The way the housing market is just now they could be living at home another 20 years, by which time you'll be ready to pack their bags for them

My youngest child has autism and learning disabilities that mean she may never leave home. If you have another child in your 40s the chances of a baby with Special needs goes up significantly. Be careful what you wish for OP.
Your reasons for a third are so selfish.

I have some experience similar to this, and personally, I wouldn't. My first two were a year apart, but because DS failed his first year at A levels, they both went to Uni on the same day. And yes, it is absolutely heart-rending, I dreaded it, and cried a lot, but knew it was a great start for them in life - they were back all of the time anyway, with mates in tow, you don't lose them, you just gain more of them !. I had two other children at home as I went for my third six years later, and then my fourth almost straight away as I felt the 3rd would be lonely. I was in my late 30s and early 40s and chance of downs was 1 in 4 for both. I pushed on. The 3rd was fine, the 4th had complications, but was OK. I'm now in my mid-50s and finding it quite a challenge to parent a school age son and an 18 year old daughter. The older two are at home as they have finished their degrees and there is plenty of stress, hard work and bickering. I always think that from 4yrs to 10 yrs you have a golden age - old enough for you to have forgotten the trials and tribulations of a newborn (which the other children will resent by the way), but not so old that they are properly difficult, and believe me, they can be, however much work you put into parenting. My advice would be to hang up your broody boots, put your energy into the children you have. When they eventually spread their wings and leave, you will be ready for it, you won't have to shed many tears as you will soon find they are back anyway !! Good luck with whatever you decide x

I wasn't expecting so many responses! Thank you all for sharing your thoughts, views and experiences.

Perhaps I should have clarified that this wouldn't be the only reason to have a third child. I would quite enjoy reliving the baby phase and early years. Unlike many, I enjoyed this time though there is no promising that having 2 older children in tow with a little one will be the same. My two DC have also been asking for another sibling. I have explained to them that this means there will be less time, attention and finances available to them if DH and I are shared between three. This doesn't seem to bother them but they are probably too young to understand what this really means.

A close friend of ours has 2 adult children in their early twenties and then a 3rd with 10 year age gap and it was they who really promoted the idea of having one in the nest for longer and how it really filled the void of the older two leaving.

I do work full time and have a rewarding career on the leadership team of a large global organisation so I do have a busy life outside of children which I would expect to continue even when they are grown up. Nonetheless, having children has been a wonderful part of my life, hence wondering whether to keep this going for longer!

@sjpkgp1 Thank you in particular for sharing your personal experiences. I found this very helpful as it would be a similar place to where I would be. Did you find your older two resenting the newborn? My two seem delighted with the idea of having a baby around and adore babies we see around in public but I do wonder if that novelty wears off quickly when it means they are not getting the attention they need from us because we are preoccupied with a little one.

Yes it would be nice but it would be bad for the environment. Also in the past health problems in older middle age were often quickly sorted but it looks like NHS is going to be underresourced for several years due length of training times and demographics. So you can be less certain of your own continued good health

There are 14 years between me and my (half) brother - we adore each other but we don't have anything like a sibling relationship. How could we? I was 13 when he was born and he was my wee pretend baby doll for 4 years, then I left home. Children want lots of things, but don't necessarily realise what the reality would look like.

@ThreeCoffees No, they didn't "openly" resent DC3 or DC4 at the time, and there are lots of lovely moments to look back on. DC2 and DC4 are sometimes very close, and all four have had to accommodate others, share, become resilient etc. BUT (and its a big but) they have had to give things up, some of which they are vocal about, even now. It's all first world examples I know, but certain types of holiday or activity, car seat positioning, having to be really quiet at night so we can get DC3 to sleep (a notoriously jumpy sleeper), not being given a lift to school as DC3 and 4 took priority, DC3 and 4 being given privileges they were not allowed or had to fight for, being allowed to sleep at their grandma's (this worked well at first but stopped altogether once DC3 realised and wanted to do it too). My time. Their Dad's time. Not being able to share a hotel room (you have to get 2 when there are 5 of you), Being told to set an example. Being told that they had to watch their DS or DB for five minutes while I did something for us all. I sometimes hear sentences that start "How come she...<insert perceived injustice here about DC3>". Having younger DC alters the relationship they have with each other too - "Why isn't he (close in age sibling) having to <insert small task here>". And, this is with four DCs who do not have any special needs particularly. In addition, the teenage years are really hard, as others have said. I'm sure there will be super-mums on here who will say "well, I wouldn't do it like that" but when you've got your hands full, it is a challenge. I don't regret mine (I don't think you ever do !) but I do have my eyes open about what it means, and I am not sure I did at the time. Hope this helps x

@sjpkgp1 Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences. Very helpful to hear your insights. I can imagine the more people in the family, the more everyone has to compromise, but as you say it also builds resilience. Lots of food for thought there which I will take on board! Best wishes.

I am in my 50s and while of course I love my youngest I am sick to the back teeth of school runs, homework and teenager shit. Don't do it. Oh and I still have a full nest, too full thank's to the housing crisis where I live.

Children are a blessing and all that. I love my two adult DC to bits and we're really close (emotionally not geographically), but we were ready for them to fly the nest when they did as they needed their independence and we had/have plans! I don't understand the "void" you talk about. The couples we know who seem to want to keep their adult children at home are the ones whose relationship isn't great.

Our DC(and grandDC) do come and stay, sometimes for extended periods, and while we love having them here, we're always happy to wave them off!

We had our third child ten years after dc1 & 2 who are quite close in age, firstly I will say we have absolutely zero regrets about having dd3, she was very much planned after a mc.
But (and its a lighthearted but) we are now getting to the stage in our lives where we want to do more, venture on city breaks, go a bit further on holiday, theatre breaks that sort of thing, things we'd have done easily had we stopped at two, but have to make careful considerations with a younger one who refuses to eat anything adventurous (for a start!!)
When your children are little you can't imagine them leaving home, but when they are ready you kind of embrace it. They move out. They don't desert you! Like I say, I wouldn't change for a second, but in ten years time think of how your new found empty nest allows you to do the things you always wanted, and how a third child would fit into that.

I do wish that I'd had another child when I was young enough to, so that I'd now have a little one- at the time I was quite happy and thought my family was complete but that longing for another baby came, just a bit too late.

However, I don't think it's a good idea to have a baby to fulfil a role, such as soothing your empty nest syndrome. You should want a baby for itself, not what it can do for you- after all, you may not have empty nest syndrome, you may find a third child a huge challenge, etc etc. If you're worried about being an empty nester, fill your life with interesting things- work, hobbies, friends- as well as parenthood.

I think I know what you mean, OP. I am the same but about the early years. My youngest is about to start school and I really want the first 5 years back. I am jealous of my friends having babies/little ones now, even though I know I did get to experience it with my two. I'd love to do playgroups, library visits and soft play all over again. In saying that, I probably just want to do it all over with my two again and not with my two plus another. I also know deep down this is an unfair reason of mine to have another. I don't think my DH or children really want another, so it's on me. I will have to fill this emptiness somehow.

I think I get what you mean op I only have one child so once she goes that's it ☹️ ideally I'd have liked another to at least stagger it a bit!!

I got a puppy a couple of years ago and find that's filled a gap 😁

An 8 and a 6 year old have no concept of what it would be like to have a baby in the house and the impact on their parents' time and family resources. I wish people wouldn't involve very young children in adult decisions.

Have a baby if you want but don't overthink it!

I was that third child OP (pretty much identical gaps to what you are considering).

Personally, I wouldn't. As a child I remember always feeling that I was was somehow on the outside - never mature enough to get the jokes, fast enough to keep up, old enough to understand the subtext, experienced enough to have anything worth saying. My elder siblings werent awful to me or anything, but I was a child and they were teens and there was just a gulf between us and I basically just felt like a childish spare part. That feeling of being inadequate has never fully left me.

After they left home in quick succession I was then left with the worse bits of being an only child, with none of the benefits like more family/financial resources.

I think all families have a centre of gravity that sets the whole dynamic. When you only have two children, a bigger gap is less of an issue because that centre of gravity is right in the middle. But a late third child means the centre of gravity rests with the elder two, and the dynamic of the family is heavily weighted by them, if that makes sense.

I have 3 aged 19, 17 and 15.

I find this really a bizarre reason to have another child.

A large age gap will mean that you are constantly juggling activities between those for older and those for the youngest.
Teenagers need a LOT more attention and time than you realise, and often at midnight, which is fine if you all sleep in at the weekend, and not fine if you are still being woken up by a baby/toddler.
I had my youngest aged 40 and you do have less energy and less to give as you get older.
As for leaving home, I think it is very likely that my youngest will bounce back home a lot as she has mental health issues.

and finally, my oldest has gone, my second will go in september and honestly? I would be fine with that , and not wiht still having one at home. After 19 years, I am quite jealous of any me time, any time that I can use to do what I want/need and to spend time with dh. I love my kids, but I am ready for them to fly the nest.

Spot on steppe. It’s impossible when your kids are small and cute and needy to know how you will feel after years of parenting teens. Mine are pretty “easy” and nice but it’s still very very demanding both time wise and mentally and emotionally. We so often thank god we stopped at two - don’t think would have it in me frankly to do it all a third time!

I wish I had had more children but not so one could stay at home!

Have you slipped a century and need a youngest daughter to be your carer in your old age like the victorians expected?

you are currently working full time...would you be giving up work if you have another? Having a child in your 40's is exhausting... I wouldn't change it but personally i would be thinking of other goals in your life. The teenage years bring their own challenges and your older kids are equally going to need your attention , if you have another and still want to maintain a career you are going to be dealing with a lot and that's before you throw perimenopause/menopause into the mix!!!

I'd read a bit more about global warming and try to think of things from the child's perspective. This seems very selfish.

Well, we have three DCs, and as it happened all three of them left home within two months of each other - one moved into a rented flat, one went to the US on a year abroad, and one went off to uni. The latter two will no doubt return at some point, but what I'm trying to say is you have no idea/control over this particular aspect of their lives. By all means have a third child but not just as a failsafe nest-occupier.

And can I just mention that we are loving the empty nest. Nice to have the little darlings back (e.g. at Christmas), and DS is always popping over for dinner, but my fridge stays full, my house stays clean, and DH and I can do what we like when we like.

The end of your message just made me laugh out loud on a bus.
I regularly tell my husband, if we were wild cave people, these little buggers would have got us eaten by predators by now!

It’s a strange way to look at things.

Do you actually want another child? Can you afford a third child? Do you have space for another child? Why are you scared of an empty nest?