Third child to keep one in the nest?

[ThreeCoffees]

I realise I’m posting on the adult children board but would like to ask for a piece of your wisdom!

DH and I are in our early 40’s with two children aged 8 and 6 years. We have deliberated for years about having a third child and quite frankly time is running out.

We acknowledge that having another baby now will create challenges in the short term (as well as bring joys) but actually one of our main concerns is having both our children fly the nest and nearly the same time.

Clearly we’d have a big age gap between the oldest two and the youngest but perhaps it all comes down to the personalities of the children and how much they choose to still stay in touch.

Has anyone who had two wished that they’d had a third so that they still have a younger child around and in the home? Or perhaps anyone who has three and would agree this was an advantage?

You should only have a third child if you really and truly desire a third child - for no other reason than you would like another child!
Children should never be had for some external reason whether it’s to give a child a sibling, because you want one of a different sex or because you are worried about an “empty nest”.

I had a primary aged third child when I was in my 50s - she's now 17 and we are very close and she's marvellous. I'd highly recommend it.

I did that. Oldest were 13 and 10 when youngest came along. I was 39 when I had the youngest.
It goes without saying that she has brought joy into our lives. She united the older 2 through tricky teenage times. Bought joy to my dpils and my dmum in their last few years.
Downsides
Teens and toddlers are bloody hard to have together. Waiting up for one to come home and then getting up with a toddler is not to be recommended.
The under 5 bit was a actually pretty easy. It's more now that I realise that I have been doing the school run for 23 years it's tough. Still having to do hols in school time, thinking about paying for uni in our 60s, that I think about it

This is such a weird reason to have a baby. Sorry.

The teen years will make you feel very relieved when they are finally off to university. They will come back many times and one day they will come back as lovely mature adults, ready to let you live your lives as you wish too.

No, I wouldn't.
You'll have the possibility of grandchildren to look forward to.
A different kind of delight!

I think it's great to have them similar ages. A third will feel very left out, you will try to compensate and spoil them and you'll end up with a child you resent having around when the others have flown the nest and you're left with a spoilt teenager who don't let you do the things you want to in your later years. You may also make the older children resentful of your 'baby' as they grow older and feel you love the youngest the most.

Basically, it's a VERY difficult dynamic to get right.

Slightly different perspective here. I have an only child. We’ve had such difficult teenage years that her moving out to university is a respite for us. That may sound cruel but we just hope for better days ahead as she matures. And to some extent (perhaps not as extreme as in our family) that’s the way it should be - teenagers often fight for independence to make the necessary break into adulthood.

My point is, there is a lot ahead that you don’t know yet and don’t idealize what life might be like with your children 10 years down the line. Do what is right for your 2 children now, and treasure them and the wonderful age they are at. If you want a third child, it should not be because of what may happen in a decade’s time.

Your children might not leave home at 18. And even if they do head off for further studies etc, there’s still a transition period. There will hopefully still be many joys ahead and you might even be ready for your own space by then.

Once you have gone through teenage you really appreciate the peace and quiet of the emptiness of the nest.

Mind you, I really miss him but do not miss the mess, the responsibility, the worrying about them when they do not appear by 4 in the morning, etc.

Having to go through that again in my 50s/60s is not something I would be prepared to do… no matter what, I have served my time! 😁

2 considerations:

Having teens when you're going through menopause is a nightmare. Throw a young kid into the mix and .....aghhhhh.

Do your parents have any health challenges or do you anticipate that in the next 7 years or so? Because that will also be challenging with a young child.

It might not be so exciting having a 6yo when your teens want to watch a 12 or 15 family movie. How could you all play games on a family games night? The young one would struggle. Would you really like the same kind of holidays and holiday activities? Even going on a decent walk which older kids can manage would be difficult.

I wouldn't personally. I think the family unit as a whole would need to make too many compromises, which would make everyone a bit further apart instead of closer.

Hmm, I have a big age gap between me and my siblings (8, 10 and 14 years older) but I left home at 16 before my 8 and 10 year older sibs.

I wouldn't be concerned about your youngest having a bad relationship with your older DC (I get on fantastically with all my siblings and would say that my 10 year older sister is my bestie) but I don't think your reasoning makes much sense!

This has reminded me that when I was much, much younger I liked the idea of always having young children in the house and having 2-3 with large age gaps for that reason. I’m not of that view now!

We’ve got a daughter and won’t be having more and one of the benefits of that (as with close age gaps like you have) is being able to do age appropriate activities without a younger sibling impacting them. If you got pregnant today, you might miss out on a lot of the great things about having kids at the ages you do, the freedom of day trips and fun family activities and getting to nurture their hobbies as well as getting downtime for you and your spouse alone and together. Also once you are past a tricky stage (say potty training or an angry teen) then it is past and you don’t have to do it again. I also think I appreciate the great things about each stage more as I’m not going to experience them again.

Another benefit to me is that my DD will be 16 when I’m 50, I’ll still be young enough to travel, do hobbies, volunteer etc and enjoy a bit of what was good about being childfree in my 20s and early 30s whilst fingers crossed being in decent health.

Believe it or not empty nesters have been shown in studies to be the happiest parents- I’m sure it will be painful when your children leave the nest but it will also hopefully be a new, enjoyable chapter for you and your DH. You’ll be able to do adult things with your children, there may or may not be grandchildren in your future too.