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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Are we the only.ones who dont want adult dc living.woth them?

53 replies

Chewchewbacca · 21/05/2022 17:39

We get on.well with both our adult dc.
However, feel.v isolated as we have them back at home , and to be honest we want our space back.
We absolutely will help them...without question to save and live with us until they get graduate jobs.
However, we secretly want time by ourselves now in the longer term and we feel that we are the only parents who admit to this or want this.?!. everyone else seems to think.its great that adult dc are living with them or are about to. Is this the norm for the magority... Feeling wise... i get they move back more now for financial reasons ...

As I said , we will.always support them .
People say oh I wish my kids would come home..i kind of wonder if this is true .? Really..?. or wd they be saying the same if they were in same postion ...
Anyone else in same position as us and feel the same ..?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chewchewbacca · 21/05/2022 22:36

Bump

OP posts:
TheOrigRights · 21/05/2022 22:41

Mine is 23 and honestly, no, neither he or I think him living back at home would be a positive thing. Of course I'd welcome him and it would be fine (mostly!) but he's an adult and needs and wants to find his own way.

Wallywobbles · 22/05/2022 05:19

Id rather not live with my kids when they're adults.

glassdarker · 22/05/2022 07:39

My parents absolutely felt like this. Happily their tactic of living in a beautiful part of the country with absolutely no fucking jobs meant only my brother tried this for a year before leaving at 19. 25 years later we go back every couple of months and they spoil us and their grandkids (which made the difference in terms of my parents being excited!).

Lazypuppy · 22/05/2022 07:44

No definitely not, i will help my childten out but i think living away from home, whether renting/buying or living with friends/partner/on their own it doesn't matter. It teaches such important life skills, and i can see a huge difference betwren myself and friends who moved out at 18 compared to other friends who only moved out at 30

Aimee1987 · 22/05/2022 07:45

I moved home temporarily after my master. I love my mum but we definetly rubbed each other the wrong way.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/05/2022 08:00

Yes this worries me! I think at some point we will want to downsize and live more remotely and the DC will perhaps naturally find this inconvenient for social lives and work… ??

BUT - how to actually move once the DC are back home after college or what have you and saving for their deposits??! AWKWARD!

Would moving work for you, OP?

KangarooKenny · 22/05/2022 08:02

No, I was glad when mine left !

wanderingscot · 22/05/2022 08:15

I'm preparing mine to thrive on their own. I'm really hoping that after Uni they find their own flats and get on with their lives independently of us.

Libertybear80 · 22/05/2022 08:25

Nope. Just had a big row with the 22 year old that moved back in and she's moving out again. I didn't want to row but I'm damned if I'm living this way at 55!

rainbowandglitter · 22/05/2022 08:26

I've got my dss who is 24 living with us and no sign of moving out. He does no housework and can't cook so has all his meals cooked for him. He does his washing, that's it. He pays rent though (£250 pm).

paddingtonstares · 22/05/2022 08:26

I'm sure the 'they are children until 40 25 brigade' will be along soon but yes after either 18 ( leave school) or 21 ( leave uni) independence should follow.

Mine left initially between 18-21 , one stayed short term between jobs/ housing in his early and mid 20s, one returned with his wife for a year while they house hunted but it was never an expectation of long term.

The other left at 19 and has only ever come for a visit for a few days.

They either have sofa surfed, house shares, rent flats or bought.
We have now downsized ( Council rental- releasing a family house) so they can only have sofa at a push now. All in their 30s now.

MissyB1 · 22/05/2022 08:27

God no! We had to do it to support my adult ds through his degree (he was in his mid 20s retraining for new career). Sweet Jesus it was hard!! He’s a lovely lad but never again please!

SunshinePie · 22/05/2022 08:27

I guess those feelings are natures way of pushing the young out of the nest! Totally understandable.

mdh2020 · 22/05/2022 08:39

When I was 17 my mother told me quite categorically that when I finished uni I couldn’t move back home. Both our DC came back home and DD has stayed but lives in the loft conversion. We love having her around but we have the space. We live in a very expensive part of the country and she does amazing work for a charity but simply cannot afford to buy anything on her own and stay near the family. However, if she did not live with us we would have definitely down sized years ago.

Original poster
Chewchewbacca · 22/05/2022 11:04

ahhhhhhhhhhhhh we moved when both at uni . They can get plenty of work here such as in the summers as its a tourist spot
The problem is the house is much much smaller than the old family home ( due to tourist spot prices) so its cramped. I am used to my ownnroom now as dh snores v badly.. so its a massive shock.
Thanks all.. i.am so used to.people saying how lovely.. but its crowded , lively, more messy/ needs more cleaning ... when we have got used to space n quiet!!

OP posts:
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh · 22/05/2022 14:49

How old are the DC, @Chewchewbacca ?

Original poster
Chewchewbacca · 24/05/2022 21:08

Early 20s and 25 .

OP posts:
ahhhhhhhhhhhhh · 24/05/2022 23:29

I’m guessing if you don’t want them living there you have two choices, 1) ask them to leave and risk the fallout or 2) make life a lot less comfortable for them; enforce cleaning cooking to a rota, contribution to bills.

can you honestly say the DC are saving hard to move out? If not - it’s probably too cosy at home…?

spotcheck · 24/05/2022 23:38

However, we secretly want time by ourselves now in the longer term and we feel that we are the only parents who admit to this or want this

No, no you're not chewchew

ToriesKillingNHS · 30/05/2022 21:33

Would you consider giving them a deadline to leave @Chewchewbacca ?

or telling them you need to move house to free up some capital for your retirement?

Oblomov22 · 30/05/2022 21:38

I feel this way, but ds's are young, about to go off to uni. But no, Dh and I have always felt this way.

trainnane · 30/05/2022 21:58

I'd love them to be around as long as they are 100% self sufficient.

LTB99withabunfightandamagicalchicken · 30/05/2022 22:28

I have found my people 💐💖
Ds and partner and 7 month old grandchild moved in with us recently until they save for a deposit. To be fair they do try with housework but oh my they are so messy. It was agreed at the beginning that they could stay with us until October this year only. So far they have done zilch about getting a mortgage but have saved a good amount for the deposit. Dh and I are finding it hard going 😭

Sorry to unload but it feels so good to get it all out. I love them all to bits they are my world but I just want my house back asap!!!

deadeyes · 01/06/2022 17:16

I couldn’t live with adult DC who weren’t cooking/ cleaning/washing by themselves. It would be a different dynamic - like they were teens again.

Sadly I think this will be the norm however. I’ve no idea how our DC will afford their own properties. I rented for 10 years before buying. Wouldn't have wanted to spend any more cash on rent…

@LTB99withabunfightandamagicalchicken Your mate is a mortgage expert yeah? You’ll have to get her around… 😉