Why am I being called a liar when I'm not lying?

[SurferBoy02]

I'm a 19 year old man, sort of still living at home (I stay with my grandparents whenever I've got work the next day as it's easier to get to work from there). Tonight I'm at my grandparents.

On Saturday night me, my brother and his girlfriend (both 15) had the house to ourselves so I ordered us a Chinese. We ate in the lounge, on the sofa. On Sunday, when my parents came home my stepdad noticed a few grains of rice on the sofa my brother's girlfriend was sat on. He said to me "I see you've been eating on the lounge, if you're going to do that can you at least try and get the food in your mouth and not on the sofa?" I muttered very quietly that it wasn't me that was sat there but he didn't give me any eye contact, didn't say anything else and simply just walked away, so I assumed he didn't hear me so I got out of my seat to follow him and then changed my mind and decided to just take the blame for it as it was less hassle, so I sat down again.

Anyway this morning my mum asked me to come and meet her, pick my siblings up and take them to school for her. No problem, happy to help. I sat in the car with her after taking them in and she said that he had been complaining to her that he found food on the sofa so I told her that it was my brother's girlfriend that was sat there but I chose to take the blame as it was less hassle. It actually turns out that my stepdad DID hear what I said and he was just being ignorant, so obviously he was quite confused when my mum told him that I chose to take the blame. So I had a text from my mum calling me a liar and that she's fed up with having to protect and defend her first three (she had us before she met him) to him. Obviously, when I told my mum that I took the blame for the whole thing, I thought I was telling the truth. I told her that if she doesn't want to protect me then I'd rather she didn't, simple as that. It's a few grains of rice on the sofa, why does it matter?! That's what baffles me the most

You don’t have to cut yourself off from your siblings but you must restrict contact with your stepfather. Quite why you didn’t just clean up the spilt rice is a bit baffling, it would have avoided all this childish he said/she said crap.

As for your inheritance, that’s long gone by the sounds of it.

Find yourself a studio apartment or a house share and be independent from your family.

@SailingNotSurfing

You don’t have to cut yourself off from your siblings but you must restrict contact with your stepfather. Quite why you didn’t just clean up the spilt rice is a bit baffling, it would have avoided all this childish he said/she said crap.

As for your inheritance, that’s long gone by the sounds of it.

Find yourself a studio apartment or a house share and be independent from your family.

I would've cleaned it myself but I didn't even realise it was there until he pointed it out and then he did it.

Something similar happened before. I went to the toilet when I was in the middle of eating my dinner and when I came back it was gone and he yelled at me for just leaving it on the table and not getting rid of the food waste (so he thought I had finished). I told him that 1. I hadn't finished and 2. Even if I had finished, why couldn't he have just given me a chance to come back and sort it myself what's the rush?

Your step dad sounds horrid OP

I'm 30 and had a step dad who met my mother when I was 10, they didn't have any more children though it was just me.

My step dad was a dick to me as well, I feel that he caused unnecessary friction at home and we did not get on well. I still look back and feel that way.

I moved out when I was 18 and went to uni but came back many times over the years. I did find that once I moved out at 18 our relationship improved and over the years it's improved enormously and we now get on really, really well. I don't know why, perhaps we just needed more space from each other.

I would say make the best of it for now, but as soon as you're able to I would make a home for yourself elsewhere. You sound like a really lovely person, I'm sure from what you've said, you were not in the wrong.

Late teenage years can be a difficult time for families. Teenagers are finding their feet and can have an over-confident view of their own abilities and actions. Parents can feel challenged in their own home and don't always deal well with it.
I think most parents would be frustrated at their child leaving an apprenticeship when it was 97% completed because they didn't like the people there and thought they knew better how things should be done. Unfortunately you're going to find that in many future workplaces. To not grit your teeth and finish the last 3% but instead choose a job at McDonald's would annoy me as a parent too. And now they've cut your shifts there so your earning potential has gone down as well. Maybe your stepfather is concerned that you're making a series of bad decisions.
However, if you think you have a good grip on decision-making and are happy where your future is taking you, the best thing you can do is move out where you have control over your life. And you might find that your family relationships improve as well.

It sounds to me like you are drifting in life and over concentrated on domestic slights and niggles. I would work on finding a productive employment/training path with the goal of getting a house share ASAP. There is work around, even if it is just something that buys you space and time to decide what you want to do longer term.

As for the £6K, I think your chances of seeing that again are very slight indeed.

Why don’t you see if you can finish your apprenticeship? Surely if you completed almost all of it, the work you have already done must count for something? I’m not surprised your stepdad is pissed off, that was a ridiculous idea to walk away and work in Macdonald’s instead!

23:28SurferBoy02

Sorry, I wasn't doubting your love for your siblings.
I was trying to work out does he have his own kids and is that why he's being funny with you?
Somehow wanting his non kids out of the way.

What are your gcse and A-level grades like?
You're only 19 re-do them if you have to.
What do you actually want to do?

@SortMyHouse

23:28SurferBoy02

Sorry, I wasn't doubting your love for your siblings.
I was trying to work out does he have his own kids and is that why he's being funny with you?
Somehow wanting his non kids out of the way.

Oh, sorry. Yes he's got three children with my mum (they were the ones I was talking about) and another son via a previous marriage who has refused to speak to him since he got released from prison.

@SortMyHouse

What are your gcse and A-level grades like? You're only 19 re-do them if you have to. What do you actually want to do?

I was absolutely hopeless with GCSEs at school and wasn't getting the additional help I needed to so I went to college early and took functional skills maths and english and only just scraped through that. More than anything I want to work with children in an early years setting but as I said before, I stupidly gave up the apprenticeship I was doing when it was 97% completed. I can't go back to that now because it would cost £0000s. And I've already enquired about reversing the decision and resuming the course and I was told it wouldn't be possible. Football coaching is also something I'd like to explore one day

Firstly I feel disappointed that your mother isn’t helping you more here, whilst stepdad sounds controlling, your mother is enabling that control. As you don’t do as he says, she’s getting the blame so blames you - he’s doing what all abusive people do and so is your mother.

I think you need to look for another job, one that pays better than childcare settings and move out.

18:32SurferBoy02

Look into a degree to become a teacher
Early year teaching / primary

Don't worry about the tution fees you'll get a student loan for that

Any uni's near you?

Has open uni got a degree you can do? You can do that part time

Get a job as a teaching assistant - part time

Really try and see if you can live with your grandparents - for as little as possible

Don't waste your youth and earning years trying to figure out a toxic family dynamic, people lose decades to that thought, locked in a prison in their minds - work on education, career and money.

Gan academy - start from the level one for pre schoolers and work your way up to the college level maths - you'll see where your early year maths gaps are as well as getting to an advanced level.
Keep your options open.
Self teach yourself.
This resource will help of you want to resit and get a proper GCSE.

Khan academy website

www.open.ac.uk/courses/education/degrees/ba-education-studies-primary-q94

Look into a degree to become a teacher
Early year teaching / primary

He scraped through functional skills in maths and English. How's he going to be accepted on or do a degree?

Op, you're not focusing and you have scatter gun approach. You've had an apprenticeship that you left having completed 97% of the course. You're working at McDonald's on reduced shifts. You have no concrete plan for the future, just bits of ideas. I suggest you going back to careers advice at your college and sitting down and investigating what is available for you; or looking at reliable workplaces around you and trying to get in there. Living on the occasional shift I don't see how you're going to manage to live independently. As you say, you're a man now, so it's time to start making grown up, sensible decisions.

I know you're not asking for education and career advice

However, I think your mum and step dad are a dead horse, no point in flogging it

So do what is in your power which is setting up a decent future for yourself

19:12missionhopefullypossible
If you read my post before that, I suggested he redo his maths.
That's how I suggest he can do a degree!!

He filed his GCSE and scrapped his college course probably due to crap teachers, hostile home environment, letting his mind worry about things he can't change.
If he focuses bite size challenges, he can at least sort that aspect of his life out.

National Careers Service is a good place to start if you need help planning your future. You have some decent work experience and you have your functional skills Math & English. That is a great start- better than many. You just need a plan.

@SortMyHouse Sorry, we cross posted so I didn't see your all your posts.
I don't want to say anything too harsh to undermine a 19yo's confidence. But I have to say, do you think all the teachers he had at school and at college and at his workplace were crap? That's a mighty lot of crap people for one learner to be so unfortunate to come across. If he struggled to learn in a face to face teaching situation, he's going to find it even harder to be in a situation where he is self learning.
Obviously he could go on an access course with the OU but he's going to have to take out loans to finance it. It's good to be ambitious for people but at the same time his aims need to be realistic for his present circumstances.
If, as you say he failed his exams due to a hostile home environment, then surely he will fail again if he stays there? He needs to get his living situation sorted out by getting a job that pays enough money to support an independent lifestyle.

21:03missionhopefullypossible

I got an E at school when being taught by teachers

When I self taught myself I got an A (first year of sixth form), one year later

My advice to most people is state schools are crap, find a way to understand yourself and teach yourself. That isn't easy when you're 15/16, you blindly trust the lazy people 'teaching' you.

For someone who scraped through their studies including English, you type very eloquently and your posts are far more mature than the average 19 year old boy.

Your post is also extremely identifiable with the details of occupation, criminal history and number of children including ages.

Strange thread really tbh.

You’re not a parent of adult children so strange forum to post.

Your SF may be an arsehole or not. Sounds as if you’d be happier on away from there and living independently, you’ll be saving on keep presumably. Going forward clean up after a take away regardless of who is sitting where.