WWYD re guy endlessly pestering DD19

[ThanksMateThanksMate]

My DD19 is in a tricky situation

I am champing at the bit to intervene but need to know how lightly or heavily to tread to avoid disrespecting her wishes.

She goes religiously to the same gym every day and went on a couple of dates with a fellow member.
She's not keen but wasn't able to communicate that clearly and he hasn't got the message.

Now he's spamming her night and day for contact and on the verge of stalking. (No exaggeration)

She's shy and anxious - and can't find the clear words to say "Piss off Thank you but , no."

She says it's because she'll still see him at the particular gym which she doesn't want to change and that will be too uneasy.
Obviously my mind goes to the worst scenario and he's a mad psycho ...

She wants me to be sympathetic to her but I can't help getting annoyed that she won't just be clear.

Is this a familiar scenario for anyone else here??

How many texts has he sent or over how long a period has this been going on?

This sort of thing can be very dangerous. I don't want to scare you but a young woman was stabbed to death outside her gym due to an obsessed guy.

You need to tell her that it's not up to her but you're calling the police.

I have DDs (teens) and would call the police.

Is she actually responding to his messages?

She needs to block his number and block him on SM. She should alert the gym staff if he hassles her there. How does she get to and from the gym? If she'll be going as the evenings get darker I would suggest she goes with a friend and never leaves alone. She could send one last message before blocking to say she is not interested in a relationship.

She woke up to 17 messages this morning on 3 different platforms.

It's so frustrating - she IS bothered but can't bring herself to take the obvious action herself and won't entertain me or her friend stepping in.

I know it stinks that we have to take precautions for our safety when we're not in the wrong but this is how life is, unfortunately.

I need to get the message through.
Telling the gym, taking her and picking her up and possible calling police for advice are all sane suggestions here.

I would also like to set about the bloke, myself. How dare he??

He sounds unstable so don't approach him in person or text.

Is she responding to his messages?

Tell her that if she blocks him, it doesn't matter if he's not happy, he's not exactly taking her feelings into consideration, only his own. Block and ignore.

She could a)tell the police and b)tell the gym a fellow member is harassing her and ask if they have a policy on this or women-only times.

It isn't that she hasn't communicated well enough. It is always clear when somebody is saying no.
He is choosing not to listen.

I have a 20 year old dd BTW- I completely understand that it is hard when they are playing something down.
There are times when you let them get on with it and times when they deserve the benefit of your experience

What do you mean when you say that she hasn’t communicated clearly? If she hasn’t told him that she’s uninterested (it’s possible to do this politely but unequivocally, it’s not pleasant but we’ve all had to do it) then referring this to the police and gym manager seems like overkill - she just needs to put her big girl pants on and be more plain. But if she’s made it obvious then you’re not being unreasonable and he’s a bloody creep.

Thank you.

She leaves his messages unresponded-to for a few hours then says something ambiguous like "sorry I've been busy"
He even once wrote
"That's me ghosted then"
and she gave the "busy" reply. (Aaargggh!!!)

I have met him, once - she fainted once and the gym manager called her emergency contact (me). When I got there this guy was hanging about, giving her his hoodie, being a "hero"
I was genuinely grateful at the time because this preceded the avalanche of messages (about 3 weeks ago)
I did thank him profusely for "being there" and now I can see he sees himself as a fixture in her life. (Shared experiences and all that)
His first language is not English and some things ARE being lost in translation but No Thank you is pretty universal.

Have just had an idea from writing this - the day she fainted I met the gym manager who seemed sensible. I might do a stealth call.

That level of messaging is harassment, agree with PP's saying to block, ignore and speak to the gym about it

It does seem he is harassing her, but honestly she is not helping herself. She needs to tell him she is not interested, or just block him.

I’ve responded already but I’ve just seen your update about language. You may have a point.

BUT I’ve also noticed your comment about the avalanche of messages. I missed that in your first post. That’s weird and I would definitely be concerned OP. I do think that that needs to send one clear message though, before the police or manager are invoked.

I apologise for not reading your OP properly

Just want to add for info:

The gym has been her saving.

She was previously seriously unwell throughout her teens (Anorexia/PTSD) and substituting unhelpful behaviours with training has turned her life around. (She eats very healthy now)

I can't be doing with this guy jeopardising a healthy, positive step.

Sorry thought this might account for my high if somewhat disproportionate anxiety.

I don't necessarily agree that she needs to be super clear. She might have an instinct he could kick off if she does this.
If a friend left it days between my messages and her replies, I would get the hint without her spelling it out. I wouldn't send sarcastic messages exerting pressure for her to reply.
We don't lose our social skills when it comes to romantic or sexual relationships.
People just choose to ignore boundaries.

I agree with EVERY reply, folks

Well the first port of call is her telling him. Until then, it isn't a police matter . So she needs to just say she isn't interested and to stop messaging. And then ideally block him

Until she does the above, it's difficult to take further - unless his messages are in any way threatening

You need to get tough with her

Urgh, this is awful but tricky. 50yo me would have no problem sending him one more message saying ‘you send too many messages and I don’t like it. I don’t want to talk to you. Please don’t contact me again’, but 19yo me would be too scared to.

I think your idea of a quiet word with the gym manager is a good starting point. He may be doing it to other women too.

Would she allow you to take hold of her phone and do the texting? I get that she doesn't want to say it but maybe if you could carry out the 'act' of it (with her permission) this might take the pressure off?
Good idea, to speak to the gym manager, but this guy needs to be explicitly told to Stop.

The obvious things to do would be to block his number and go to the gym at a different time for a while at least.

She needs to send one clearly worded message.

'This isn't working for me so please stop texting me and leave me alone. Bye'

After that if he hassles her, ring the police and let the gym know. I'd be tempted to collect her from the gym for the first week or two, just to make sure he isn't hanging around outside.

Would she feel happier sending a message to him along the lines of “you’re a great guy but I’m really busy with college/work/training and I haven’t got time for any kind of relationship.” then block him? He doesn’t need to know he’s blocked and the passive aggressive approach might mean she feels less anxious about seeing him at the gym.

@MintJulia

She needs to send one clearly worded message.

'This isn't working for me so please stop texting me and leave me alone. Bye'

After that if he hassles her, ring the police and let the gym know. I'd be tempted to collect her from the gym for the first week or two, just to make sure he isn't hanging around outside.

Absolutely this. She needs to send him a clearly worded, unambiguous text/email/whatever telling him, she's not interested and that his constant contact is causing her distress. Also (just a suggestion) tell him that if he doesn't leaver her alone, she will have no choice but to report him to the police. He may have done this before. Perhaps you could Wird the message for her? It's gone beyond hurting his feelings now. He's a menace who needs to be stopped. If he got arrested, bail conditions not to attend the gym are a possibility. But, all that said, it's easy for me to say this from the comfort of my armchair-not so easy to actually do. I wish you and your daughter the best, and this gets resolved soon.

@MilitantFawcett this sounds about the closest to what she might agree to...

Essentially she needs to unambiguously tell him she’s not interested
He’s not being told clearly bluntly
No more being polite & unassuming
Block him tell her you’ll do it for her

Your dd Needs a strategy for how to be firm and unequivocal when he approaches her Ashe will

Does she go to the gym on her own?

If so, could you find different people to accompany her both ways on every trip, just in case he decides to try and have contact with her in person on her journey there and back.