WWYD re guy endlessly pestering DD19

[ThanksMateThanksMate]

My DD19 is in a tricky situation

I am champing at the bit to intervene but need to know how lightly or heavily to tread to avoid disrespecting her wishes.

She goes religiously to the same gym every day and went on a couple of dates with a fellow member.
She's not keen but wasn't able to communicate that clearly and he hasn't got the message.

Now he's spamming her night and day for contact and on the verge of stalking. (No exaggeration)

She's shy and anxious - and can't find the clear words to say "Piss off Thank you but , no."

She says it's because she'll still see him at the particular gym which she doesn't want to change and that will be too uneasy.
Obviously my mind goes to the worst scenario and he's a mad psycho ...

She wants me to be sympathetic to her but I can't help getting annoyed that she won't just be clear.

Is this a familiar scenario for anyone else here??

Oh god, don’t tell him he’s a great guy, especially in writing. He won’t easily fuck off, 17 messages over 3 platforms over one night?!

Escorting to gym is infantilizing dd is adult who needs to clearly tell the man to go away
She can’t be monitored for every situation that arises that she cannot firmly deal with

Will she send something like "you're a great guy but I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment so no need to message me again" ("please don't message me again" would be better but I guess she might worry that is confrontational?).
Then block him on everything and keep headphones in/smile and ignore him at the gym.

No you’re a lovely man but message
It’s mixed and untrue, he isn’t lovely he’s a pest
However he’s a pest who’s not been told to piss off

Can she not say please can you stop messaging me? Until she's asked him to not to/trued blocking I doubt the police would get involved. It's annoying that he doesn't just take a hint and leave her be tho!!

Yeah and don't compliment him in the message!
Maybe
Please can you stop messaging me, it's getting a bit much.
The fact that she find a it so hard to set a boundary with him is a worry, is that around him being intimidating or her own feelings around her ability to be able to set boundaries etc...a skill that is well worth learning however awkward.

Please read this.

www.suzylamplugh.org/what-is-stalking

Then tell him to stop contacting her on any platform and to leave her alone.

If she's afraid of his reaction to rejection, she may be at risk whether she tells him to go away or not. Please look at the advice the Suzy Lamplugh Trust have on this.

The conversation you need to have with her is about her personal safety - unfortunately I think you have to highlight how this is a crime these days and that it can lead to worse crimes.
Maybe you do need to give her the frighteners a bit, but followed up with how its up to all of us to call out these men. She's not alone - you and her friend will help, the gym will help. If she doesn't stop him actively rather than passively, how will she feel about hearing a few months down the line he has done something worse to someone else.
The Sarah Everhard news today has really upset me - its not on that we allow men this power to try and impose themselves on us when its not welcomed... Use that and help her to get angry with him for taking such liberties...

Look we all know he’s not a lovely guy but she’s a shy anxious 19 year old. She isn’t going to tell him to fuck off, she’s not going to do anything.

If she starts with saying no in a way that is comfortable for her, she’ll feel more able to be more assertive the next time. It’s baby steps with this stuff sometimes.

@DogsTails

Oh god, don’t tell him he’s a great guy, especially in writing. He won’t easily fuck off, 17 messages over 3 platforms over one night?!

I agree. Telling him he's a 'great guy' will only egg him on. She just needs to say she is not interested in a relationship as she is too busy.

OP can she send a text like that? More important than the wording, can she then block him and not engage any further? I suspect from what you’ve said that’s the bit she struggles with.

The message needs to be short and clear. "Stop contacting me, I have no interest in you. If you continue, I'll have to take further action". Then block the twat.

@MilitantFawcett

OP can she send a text like that? More important than the wording, can she then block him and not engage any further? I suspect from what you’ve said that’s the bit she struggles with.

Hi yes - that IS one of the many issues here. It's difficult to be confidently assertive for many young people - while I'm frustrated at how quickly this can be resolved, I do understand and sympathise with her that, as another PP said, what is straightforward for. 50yr old and that of a 19yr old can be miles apart

She's out with her friend all day today and I texted her to let her know I've been thinking of ways to help.
I wrote that I didn't want her travelling alone to and from gym (that's me being "tough") and that I would happily give all the lifts. .... no reply

He knows he's being a creep, but because he hasn't been told in words of one syllable to stop contacting her he's exploiting plausible deniability.

Men like this can be dangerous. A single very clearly worded message will give the gym manager and, if necessary, the police, the ammunition they need to intervene. Without it, he can play dumb.

I would suggest
"X. You are contacting me far too much and I do not like it. Please stop messaging me. I am going to block you now."

I really hope she listens to you on this. I understand she wants to be nice but that hasn't got her anywhere with this man.

Unfortunately she needs to grow up. And be absolutely clear. Nothing at all ambiguous. I'm too busy = but as soon as I have more time I'd love to be your girlfriend.

I've been in ur daughters situation. He was a work colleague and I worried about him being awful at work. I told him numerous times I wasn't interested but he wouldn't listen. He would ring the house phone umpteen times a day. My mum could see he wasn't get the message. She took the phone off me and told him that I had made it perfectly clear that I wasn't interested and that he needed to stop or she would be contacting the police. It finally stopped after that.
Sometimes it does need someone else to step in and say something. But she does need to be clear with him now and tell him that she's not interested?

Agree a very clear 'Please stop messaging me' and block should be sufficient. If I were you I'd also have a quiet word with the gym manager, make sure she turns her location thingy on social media is switched off and ensure that someone drops her off and picks her up from the gym at least for a bit.

One other thing I actually think I would log the fact that he is harassing her constantly via message on the online 101 as there is then a log of it should anything further happen hope it doesn't

So she has actually told him "no" and she's not interested?

He obviously thinks he's still in with a chance as he hasn't been told otherwise.

Buy the book “the gift of fear” Gavin Du Becker (? Spelling ?)

You've said English is not his language; it's quite possible that from some other culture, he misinterprets her multiple replies as "maybe"; or teasing; some level of hope/ encouragement to persist.

And TBH he's not far wrong; she is enjoying the attention and drama with you and her pal begging her, and that's why she lets his messages continue. She is playing a very silly, immature and dangerous game.

So she REALLY needs to freeze him off hard. As she hasn't the sense to do that herself, do it for her.

Get her phone off her and write as if from her a very clear message " I am not interested in you, do not contact me again" send to all the platforms he's using then block him.

  If you went to the police, the first thing they 'd say is "Have you  said no and blocked him?  WHY   NOT?

Agree with @2bazookas. If she won’t do the text you do it for her.

If she won’t let you tell her that you will go to the gym and speak to the manager yourself. She won’t want that so should hand over the phone to you to draft something.

She really should go at a different time for a while. I know she won’t want to but that guy could be dangerous. Especially when spurned.

@2bazookas
I don't think you're too far off the mark.

I will not be "taking" her phone from her to send a message as she's an adult regardless of her inexperienced (rather than immature and silly) behaviour.

There's no room here for euphemisms and ambiguity. I've told her in no uncertain terms that he will carry on until she says and out-and-out "Stop"

I'm now thinking along the lines of other "sanctions"
i.e. if you continue to ignore extremely sage advice I'm withdrawing my assistance in other areas, e.g. taking her out for driving practice, walking "her" dog for her, giving her lifts to college etc.

I was thinking of showing her everyone's replies so she knew it wasn't just me being a neurotic mother but this one has put the kybosh on that!!

I'll do a couple of screenshots ...

OP she does have to give him the leave me alone message if only to have that for when he continues to harass her - and he will - so she can go to the police with it.

Also, she needs some therapy to try and find out why she feels she can't hurt his feelings. It seems your dd has no boundaries to help her protect herself and she needs to learn them quickly.