WWYD re guy endlessly pestering DD19

[ThanksMateThanksMate]

My DD19 is in a tricky situation

I am champing at the bit to intervene but need to know how lightly or heavily to tread to avoid disrespecting her wishes.

She goes religiously to the same gym every day and went on a couple of dates with a fellow member.
She's not keen but wasn't able to communicate that clearly and he hasn't got the message.

Now he's spamming her night and day for contact and on the verge of stalking. (No exaggeration)

She's shy and anxious - and can't find the clear words to say "Piss off Thank you but , no."

She says it's because she'll still see him at the particular gym which she doesn't want to change and that will be too uneasy.
Obviously my mind goes to the worst scenario and he's a mad psycho ...

She wants me to be sympathetic to her but I can't help getting annoyed that she won't just be clear.

Is this a familiar scenario for anyone else here??

@Evesgarden

OP she does have to give him the leave me alone message if only to have that for when he continues to harass her - and he will - so she can go to the police with it.

Also, she needs some therapy to try and find out why she feels she can't hurt his feelings. It seems your dd has no boundaries to help her protect herself and she needs to learn them quickly.

I completely agree with first paragraph. Will keep working towards this!

I'm not so sure it's about not hurting his feelings. I think she worries about the horrible atmosphere if they're at the gym together.
I need to convince her that that would be temporary and isn't the end of the world.
She's a long, long history of therapy for issues with communication. It's a work in progress.

So basically you think that your DD isn't telling him "no" because she likes the attention she's gaining from it from everyone?

That's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone who obviously thinks he has a chance.

She needs to stop playing games with people's emotions

@Muchmorethan

So basically you think that your DD isn't telling him "no" because she likes the attention she's gaining from it from everyone?

That's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone who obviously thinks he has a chance.

She needs to stop playing games with people's emotions

No , God no. I've just had a long, long conversation with her tonight. Thank you everyone for your input. I do not think she's encouraged him. - I did wonder how bothered she was but I know now it's getting dealt with. He's an ass.

Every time she responds with "sorry I've been busy' and similar, she's giving him hope and people like him....obviously not quite right....will cling onto those innocuous phrases and think he's in with a chance. It's not her fault but she needs to understand this about human psychology for her own safety.

OP, can I just say I think you're dealing with it brilliantly. When I was in a similar situation my mother treated it all as a joke, and actually manipulated a situation where I was alone with the bloke. I'd have loved a fraction of the support you've been giving your daughter.

If she really doesn’t want to be upfront can she get a “new boyfriend” who goes to the gym with her - any male friends willing to play this role?

@DoThePropeller

If she really doesn’t want to be upfront can she get a “new boyfriend” who goes to the gym with her - any male friends willing to play this role?

Aaah yes! We came with this tonight as a possible tactic! (She vetoed me coming to the gym with her - god knows why????) She knows one of the male personal trainers and she's going to speak to him about the situation.

Would Clares law work for this? If it does and it comes up he is more of a threat than she knows, she might be more willing to act on it.

Glad to hear she is going to speak to one of the trainers.

@EspressoDoubleShot

Escorting to gym is infantilizing dd is adult who needs to clearly tell the man to go away She can’t be monitored for every situation that arises that she cannot firmly deal with

when i was 19 i was stalked by a driving instructor. he used to lie in wait for me outside work. i took to going out the back way. so he then waited outside my house, and pushed his way in when i opened the door. it was very difficult. i wish i'd had someone to accompany me. i did ask one of the male technicians to walk out of the building with me, to try to put him off, but we went in different directions, so it didn't solve it. i lived far from any public transport, a long walk, no shops. the worst thing is, decades later i still sometimes see the perp around.

I think it's a horrible truth that women all learn what to do the hard way. Our mums can't tell us.

I think talking to a male PT is a good idea. At least he can keep an eye out.

But ultimately she needs to give a firm no or there is no legal recourse if he keeps harassing her. Unfortunately a firm no is frequently when these psychos escalate.

And That's a pretty crappy thing to do to someone who obviously thinks he has a chance. is bullshit. 17 messages overnight with no reply is very very clearly weird and stalkerish. Stop having such low standards of male behaviour. Men aren't braindead idiots who don't know when someone's not keen.

I really hope your daughter starts to take this very, very seriously. She has got to tell him very clearly to never contact her again. If he continues, straight to the police.

(She vetoed me coming to the gym with her - god knows why????)

^

Because you're her mother?

As a pp said, she needs a male friend to accompany her

@immersivereader

(She vetoed me coming to the gym with her - god knows why????)

^

Because you're her mother?

As a pp said, she needs a male friend to accompany her

Sorry - I was being sarcastic in that comment. Of course nobody wants their old, huffing', puffin' mammy belting out show tunes on the cross trainer beside them!!

(Actually we used to go together a while back - happily- but I'm too skint to go now!)

@alexdgr8 you’re experience sounds really dreadful
My point is the man hasn’t been assertively and definitively told to get lost
Escorting the daughter to/from gym doesn’t facilitate her being more assertive it’s kind of further avoidance
The man is a persistent pest he need to be told clearly unambiguously to go away

She knows one of the male personal trainers and she's going to speak to him about the situation.

As long as she tells them she hasnt/wont tell the guy she isnt interested. Surely it will be much more awkward in the gym if this PT speaks to the guy instead.

She just needs to text him to say she isnt interested, then when she sees him at the gym give a polite Hello, and dont respond to any further messages.