Anyone’s dc have no interest in finding a partner?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

Dd1 is 20 and so far has shown no interest in finding a partner (of either sex).

I’m pretty sure she’s straight, not that it makes a difference. She was at a girls school and is now at college where there are very few boys.

She was on Tinder for a while out of curiosity but came off it because she thinks it’s for people looking for sex which she doesn’t want. No interest in other dating apps that are less sex focussed.

Of course she is an adult and completely her choice but I’m just wondering if this might be a long term thing.

Younger dd (18) asked her if she was asexual, dd1 said maybe.

Has anyone else experienced this and did things change?

And it matters to you why??? She can be perfectly happy living her life as she is, why do you think she needs a partner?

That’s a weirdly aggressive response above.

I was a bit like this for ages, @bendmeoverbackwards and I’m trying to think of why this was.

I was always called horrible names by boys at school - I think I grew up with the idea that me being someone attractive or desirable was just not something that would ever really happen. I think on some level I still feel like this.

I also think I had a bit of anxiety around sex and intimacy. I don’t really know why this is the case, I’ve always been a bit reserved and not really liked people seeing me without clothes even when I was a very young child.

I was very lonely throughout my twenties and thirties so obviously your DD is young but people often do couple up young even if they don’t marry young so I understand.

It’s hard as I’m sure she’s lovely and you don’t want to pressure her but you want her to be happy!

Yes my DD is like this, she is also 20. I was similar I think at her age, I didn't have sex until I was 22 and had barely kissed anyone before that.

I definitely think that for a host of reasons, the drive to couple up or indeed form families with children doesn't seem to be as strong in younger generations. Mine are younger but that sort of almost default framework of couple -house - children just doesn't seem to hold the same sway as it once did. It is a very interesting social phenomena which has huge implications, not least for housing, social care, etc.

My SIL is like this albeit she's now in her mid-thirties. She is very busy with her job and hobbies and seems to have no desire for a relationship at all. I've known her for 10+ years and it's always been the same and she is very happy with it.

Thank you both.

@Sunshineaftermorningrain dd sounds a bit like you. Very shy and reserved and felt uncomfortable about her body when she was younger (better now though). I think she lacks confidence and thinks people won’t be interested in her and I suspect the not being interested is perhaps a self defence mechanism.

She’s 20! ‘Looking for a partner’ is a much later in life activity (and optional in any case), I would have said. Why would you assume that it’s some kind of longterm situation when the young woman in question hasn’t even left college?

@mynameiscalypso

My SIL is like this albeit she's now in her mid-thirties. She is very busy with her job and hobbies and seems to have no desire for a relationship at all. I've known her for 10+ years and it's always been the same and she is very happy with it.

That’s good to hear and fine if you’re happy with it.

TBH, I didn't discuss my relationship status with my mum at 20. Largely because I was having a lot of casual sex and my mum wouldn't have approved. Just because you're not aware of anything, doesn't mean nothing is happening.

I definitely would join dating sites and come off them - rejecting people before they rejected me if you like!

I found DP online I signed up for a dating site and didn’t read the small print properly so ended up spending about £150 to join for six months rather than the £25 a month or so I thought i was paying. So since I was on there anyway …

He thought I was playing hard to get but I just couldn’t believe someone liked me. Still can’t to be fair although we are in it for the long haul and have a baby ds so you never know and I was 38!

@Sunshineaftermorningrain

That’s a weirdly aggressive response above.

I was a bit like this for ages, @bendmeoverbackwards and I’m trying to think of why this was.

I was always called horrible names by boys at school - I think I grew up with the idea that me being someone attractive or desirable was just not something that would ever really happen. I think on some level I still feel like this.

I also think I had a bit of anxiety around sex and intimacy. I don’t really know why this is the case, I’ve always been a bit reserved and not really liked people seeing me without clothes even when I was a very young child.

I was very lonely throughout my twenties and thirties so obviously your DD is young but people often do couple up young even if they don’t marry young so I understand.

It’s hard as I’m sure she’s lovely and you don’t want to pressure her but you want her to be happy!

I think the point is that a lot of younger people don't necessarily see being in a couple as a prerequisite to being happy, indeed many see it as the opposite, as interfering with their freedom, career, etc. Or as just too much hard work. And the more people act on those feelings, the more it is culturally acceptable to do so. I think there are many many people of let's say 45 plus who are completely ill suited to married or family life but found themselves in that situation because it was moreso the done thing.

That’s interesting. My middle dd is 18 and keen to meet someone. They couldn’t be more different!

One of my boys is like this, aged 22. He says relationships would just get in the way of his current lifestyle.

No absolutely not and I don’t think anyone should feel they have to look for a partner.

However I will be honest and say that I feel I missed out on a lot due to being permanently single in my twenties and most of my thirties.

So it is worth exploring if there are barriers to it. If not and someone’s just happy as they are that’s fine too. But someone can appear very content and not be which is also something to bear in mind, I think.

Daughter 30 son 28 niwtbwr have any interest in finding a partner. (Same for most of their friends) they're happy

My DS2 is like this, he says he sometimes feels a spark but then it fizzles out before he's done anything about it, he has always concentrated on one thing at a time, so kept his head down working when it was exam time at school etc. Then looked up and realised everyone else had established social lives that he wasn't included in. He is also a bit self concious, won't wear shorts etc.

Of course it's important for parents to respect adult children's privacy and sometimes they need to be left almost but other times they need support and encouragement but are reluctant to ask. It's possible to be a sensitive parent who can work out which it is (most of the time).

When I felt my mum was pressuring me to have a partner I loved winding her up by refusing to have one

OldTinHat reply isn't weird and aggressive. Lots of adult children don't tell their parents the full information about their sex life when they are that age. I know stuff about my nephews and nieces around your DD's age, but I wouldn't tell their parents unless they were in clear danger.

If she is still in full-time education and hasn't started a "proper" job/career then leave her be.

I’m not sure what the passive aggressive comments are about but I can see where your coming from.

When I was 20 I was almost the same actually. I went to an all girls private school and then in college my course was all girls. Ironically my uni class was all girls aswell so not only did I not have much experience with the other gender - I also didn’t really have much reason to. It wasn’t bad though as I was really focused on enjoying my youth and working towards my goals so I didn’t have much time for a boyfriend either I suppose. It wasn’t until I was 22 that I had a relationship. And I still didn’t (and dont) see what the big fuss was about being in a relationship

I think she’s probably similar to how I was.

When she’s ready she will start to naturally start dating.

I think it's very personal.

Dh and I met at 22, moved in together, got a dog within 18 months, got married and had ds 5 years later

SiL is happily single, mid 30s, no interest in relationships, loving life with her friends and dog.

Db has only just got his first serious girlfriend at 28, before now he's been totally career driven.

I have cousins and friends who have coupled up in their late teens and are still with those partners in their 30s, I also have cousins and friends that are happily single.

I genuinely don't think what's right for the goose is right for the gander, no two people are the same, so something that works for me wouldn't work for you etc.

I think yours is a very odd attitude.

None of mine have gone "looking for a partner"
Your dd is only 20 for goodness sake.
Very normal at that age to be enjoying life doing whatever makes you happy and, sometimes you meet someone special through doing whatever you do (work, university, sports, evening classes, music, volunteering, other hobbies or activities, or even just a 'bumping in to someone' somewhere.
I find the concept of 'going out to look for a partner' very odd at any age, tbh, but especially for a young person like your dd.

Both my daughters are like this, op! Just not interested. They have lovely friends and love their work, we are a very close family.

My niece is now in her mid 40’s and she’s solvent, slim, fit, happy, active, has a lovely home and a good job, and just never got interested in dating. She’s very attractive. We’ve all accepted we have a ‘singleton’ gene within our family, as we also have two cousins who have lived good lives without dating or marrying.

It’s unusual, but not unhealthy!

I didn’t actually mean looking for a partner as in the long term sense. I suppose I mean dating.

My DD1 always had a boyfriend form being a young teen and is now at age 28 settled with her DP having had two fairly serious relationships previously. She is very open about all of her relationships.

DD2 at 23 is a very private person. She has only recently told us she is in a relationship and has been for about 8 months. This is the first we have ever known her to have a boyfriend. She tells us what she wants us to know and that is fine. At school and uni she seemed happier being in a big group and not having the angst of relationships.

I guess what I am saying as we are all different. Your DD1 is not interested in relationships right now. She may be at some point when she meets the right person. Just leave her be. It is her life and her choice.