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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Anyone’s dc have no interest in finding a partner?

64 replies

bendmeoverbackwards · 29/07/2021 10:48

Dd1 is 20 and so far has shown no interest in finding a partner (of either sex).

I’m pretty sure she’s straight, not that it makes a difference. She was at a girls school and is now at college where there are very few boys.

She was on Tinder for a while out of curiosity but came off it because she thinks it’s for people looking for sex which she doesn’t want. No interest in other dating apps that are less sex focussed.

Of course she is an adult and completely her choice but I’m just wondering if this might be a long term thing.

Younger dd (18) asked her if she was asexual, dd1 said maybe.

Has anyone else experienced this and did things change?

OP posts:
gogohm · 29/07/2021 16:26

Dp's dd (same age) says there's no decent men out there. But unless you use an app you do need to leave the house to find one so I don't believe her, she never goes out

Beamur · 29/07/2021 16:27

My DSD has been mostly single for her adult life (she's early 20's) and it came up in conversation as to why. In a nutshell, she just hasn't met anyone she really likes and sees her friends putting up with substandard relationships and has no interest in doing the same!

ISeeTheLight · 29/07/2021 16:29

And you know this how? At that age I didn't (and had never had) a boyfriend but I DID enjoy myself as a student and had quite a few FWB and ONS. Never told my parents of these though.

She's 20. Leave her be.

ComDummings · 29/07/2021 16:38

Oh God at that age (from about 15) I had relatives badgering me about why I was single and not dating. I just had not met anyone I liked all through my early 20s until I met my DH. Maybe your DD is the same. It used to piss me off so much when family made out I was weird. I wasn’t. I was just very private and had a few flings and one night stands I was quiet about. Having people speculate about why you are not dating is so gross.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 29/07/2021 16:54

I met at DH at 20. I wasn’t looking for a relationship at that point but it just developed that way. I’d suffered with my confidence at school and I was tackling it by flirting, dancing and leaving guys wanting more (which obviously my parents knew nothing about). Definitely didn’t want a relationship or serious dating because I thought it would stop me living the life I wanted, I didn’t want to compromise. I did have a boyfriend before DH but I knew it wasn’t going for the long haul and I think it was still a bit of rebellion. Not the best move I’ve made to be honest.

DH hadn’t really dated before he met me and his parents probably thought similar to you. He also had confidence issues but dealt with by being more reserved. DH also doesn’t like making decisions but when he does make a decision, he does it by taking his time and churning it over on his own. However, when he reaches a decision, he doesn’t change his mind. There’s a bit of a running joke between us that the first things he sees are what he sticks with (me included as his first relationship) but actually there’s a process in his head that nobody else sees and then he struggles to change his mind about that.

Comedycook · 29/07/2021 16:58

20 is still very young and we've been in lockdown for over a year so she's lost out on an important time. From 18-21 I was out clubbing every weekend and meeting men and dating but that's not been possible for her I guess

Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 29/07/2021 18:17

@BackforGood there are plenty of young people on dating apps so it’s not so unusual. And some people do want to meet someone but if it doesn’t happen through work or the course of every day life they might need to be more focused. It’s not ‘odd’ any more than not wanting to date is also fine. Me and dh met on a blind date, we were both actively seeking a partner and for us it worked out well. Everyone is different.

OP posts:
Original poster
bendmeoverbackwards · 29/07/2021 18:22

@Wbeezer

Of course it's important for parents to respect adult children's privacy and sometimes they need to be left almost but other times they need support and encouragement but are reluctant to ask. It's possible to be a sensitive parent who can work out which it is (most of the time).
Exactly this @Wbeezer Dd can lack confidence in other areas of her life; if she’s happy being single that’s fine of course, but I’d hate for her to be unhappy about the situation.
OP posts:
LawnFever · 29/07/2021 18:27

She’s only 20, meeting a partner isn’t necessary in order to be happy at any age, good for her not feeling pressured into having a relationship with anyone she’s not that bothered about.

Maybe she’ll meet someone maybe she won’t, everyone’s different, having a partner isn’t the only goal anyone should have in life.

LawnFever · 29/07/2021 18:30

@ComDummings

Oh God at that age (from about 15) I had relatives badgering me about why I was single and not dating. I just had not met anyone I liked all through my early 20s until I met my DH. Maybe your DD is the same. It used to piss me off so much when family made out I was weird. I wasn’t. I was just very private and had a few flings and one night stands I was quiet about. Having people speculate about why you are not dating is so gross.
I completely agree, I got this from relatives for years when I was younger and it’s intrusive, rude and made me feel really uncomfortable.

Unfortunately at the time I was too young to realise I could tell them to piss off and mind their own business!

Cornishclio · 29/07/2021 18:32

My daughter (mid thirties) is quite happy being single. I don't think she is particularly bothered about being part of a couple and is fiercely independent. Many of that generation aren't bothered about finding a partner. She once said she would rather be single than with the wrong partner. She has friends and an active social life and hobbies and a demanding but well paid job and lots of friends and her sister have children so she has contact with them but no desire to have any herself.

I personally think so long as people are happy with their choices it does not matter whether they are dating or not.

LawnFever · 29/07/2021 23:08

She once said she would rather be single than with the wrong partner.

Your daughter sounds like a very sensible woman.

theleafandnotthetree · 30/07/2021 08:50

In the same way women of all ages increasingly feel able to leave bad marriages, increasing numbers of women in particular think 'what's in it for me'? And they are right, many of the traditional ecomonic reasons for coupling up/marriage (to name just one factor) no longer apply..

Demilunary · 30/07/2021 11:15

@theleafandnotthetree

In the same way women of all ages increasingly feel able to leave bad marriages, increasing numbers of women in particular think 'what's in it for me'? And they are right, many of the traditional ecomonic reasons for coupling up/marriage (to name just one factor) no longer apply..
Absolutely this. And to have a child solo or to remain childfree, also.

Far more women initiate divorces.

Singinghollybob · 30/07/2021 17:57

My friend is early 40s and we've known each other for 20 years. In that time he has never been on a date or had a ONS. He has shown no interest at all in having either a partner or casual relationships.

Travelledtheworld · 31/07/2021 05:45

Yes, have DS 21 living at home at the moment and doesn't seem slightly interested in having a close relationship with anyone of either sex. Has always been a bit of a loner but I am sad for him.

Teenagedream · 31/07/2021 23:07

DD23 and DS23 twins neither seem interested. Don't think either of them has had a relationship with anyone. DD is very independent and knows her own mind and I'm not sure she can see the need for anyone else in her life. DS I think would like a relationship but is quite shy so probably finds it difficult. It does concern me as we have a tiny family and they are the only ones of their generation so once we have gone I worry they will be lonely.

Feelingoktoday · 31/07/2021 23:23

In my late teens and early twenties I got very fed up with family asking if I had a boyfriend yet. It was as though I had no status until I had a boyfriend.

Forstarters · 31/07/2021 23:27

I think you should ask yourself why you’re so invested in her sex life. She will do what she wants to do and what makes her happy, Why does it matter to you if that’s with another person or friends, or on her own.

LawnFever · 01/08/2021 08:04

@Feelingoktoday

In my late teens and early twenties I got very fed up with family asking if I had a boyfriend yet. It was as though I had no status until I had a boyfriend.
Completely agree, I found this infuriating and embarrassing, I know now I had nothing to be embarrassed about but as a young person being questioned about it I didn’t know how to respond.

I’d never question anyone in a similar way, there are so many other topics of conversation and you’re so right that it seems like someone is only validated by their relationship status.

Beamur · 01/08/2021 08:35

It's really not that unusual to be interested and curious about the lives of our adult children. Not out of salacious interest, but more wanting reassurance that all is well with them.
To know it's a positive choice to be single and not out of bad experience or loneliness is quite different from assuming it's about status and convention.

AnotherMarvellousThing · 01/08/2021 11:08

@Beamur

It's really not that unusual to be interested and curious about the lives of our adult children. Not out of salacious interest, but more wanting reassurance that all is well with them. To know it's a positive choice to be single and not out of bad experience or loneliness is quite different from assuming it's about status and convention.
Well, yes, but seeing someone who isn’t actively working on finding a boyfriend aged 20 as a sign that ‘all may not be well with them’ sounds quite mad to me. Perhaps the OP herself ‘settled down’ very young and expects her daughters to, as suggested by the 18 year old asking the 20 year old if she was asexual?

I married and had my son at 39, and I’d personally be far more concerned about a 20 not focused on their own life, study, work, travel possibilities, the kind of opportunities that are more easily grasped when young, child free, centred and single etc than one who was happily single. I think that a lot of the time a boyfriend holds a young woman back in life.

MojoJojo71 · 01/08/2021 11:35

My 24yo DS has never had a partner of either sex. He has some very good friends and a very full and busy life and has never shown any interest in seeking a relationship. I have never actually asked him about it but his 8 yo sister asked him out of the blue the other day ‘have you ever had a girlfriend?’, when he said no she then asked if he’d ever had a boyfriend and then when he again said no she said ‘Why not?’ And he simply said ‘I don’t need one’. Seems fair enough to me

picklemewalnuts · 01/08/2021 12:52

What worries me is that they will miss out on 'starter' relationships- all the practice stuff we did in our teens. My DSs are 21 and 25, neither have had girlfriends/boyfriends, one says he never will as it's too much like hard work- he likes a simple life.

They are both attractive and decent, it worries me that they'll fall like a ton of bricks at some point, and not have any experience to help them navigate it.

Takingeachday · 02/08/2021 12:28

I totally get where you’re coming from OP, my DS1 is the same - never shown any interest in either sex and I do worry about that long term. He’s a very private person but I worry that something has made him decide dating and sex aren’t for him. For the last year he’s been living at home post uni, he has some good friends he meets up with but I just feel he’s missing out if he doesn’t have that frisson of fancying someone which I was never without at that age! I know everyone’s different and some people are happy never to have relationships, can’t put my finger on why it worries me.