Adult children keep returning home after failed relationships

[Hoolayhoo]

I'm writing as the wife of one of these adult children. I'm merely reflecting, but...

DH and his sibling, both in their late 30s, have returned home to their parents several times after relationships have failed.

He has very doting parents, who don't discuss any of the issues around why they're home again each time but merely accept them back, with open arms. Meals cooked for them, clothes washed, ticketyboo. I would say that both DH and his sibling have struggled to ever really become independent from their parents, relying on them for regular practical help all their lives through to adulthood. Their parents will even remember when their cars MOTs are, collect them after boozy nights out, give them financial advice and often, financial support.

This is odd, isn't it, that one of them returns home again every couple of years?

When I left home, my parents divorced and bought separate one bedroom flats for themselves so I never had the luxury of going home. I have had to stand on my own two feet and perhaps this is why I've ploughed all my efforts into making my marriage work. DH just seemed to give up and moved back there without much resistance after I suggested separation when all my efforts were met with apathy and resistance.

Is it pure coincidence that my ILs grown-up children keep going home? Do you think their parenting is to blame?

All of my children have returned home and gone again, and in some cases returned again, only to leave eventually.
I left home too soon because family life was tough. My mother left us when I was 16 and I had to look after my brother and sisters, and go to school/do exams/start work and come home at night and do everything.
When I was 22 I had no proper life and left so I could have one.
I wish I had a parent like me to look after me when I needed looking after. I would have loved having a bolt hole/escape route from life. Knowing you have parental support is a massive thing and as long as you are not running away from problems you have caused or hurt someone by being a twat then it is fine.

It could just be the sheer expense of modern life is to blame. I'm not imagining my kids will be flying the nest the moment they get jobs (some way off) the way things are going, and if they break up with people they are living with as adults going home to parents for a bit may well be a necessity.

Knowing I can return home to my mum’s house at a moment’s notice if things suddenly go tits up gives me immense security and freedom of choice (particularly as I don’t own our house - my DP does - so if he wanted me out suddenly I would have somewhere to go). In fact, it was a lifesaver last summer when we almost split up because I could go back with a moment’s notice (which also slightly helped make my point that I have other options) and meant we could get some space from one another. It was that space that enabled us to work through it.

But I wouldn’t dream of expecting mum to do my washing! Or clean my bedroom or make me dinner etc! I was there for three weeks last summer and made sure I paid for my share of food & cooked half the meals. My parents don’t have a clue when anything of mine is due - and rightly so, because it’s my responsibility. Being able to return to your parents’ house isn’t an issue - not being able to have an adult relationship with your parents is.

Why do they need their mum or dad to remind them about their MOTs??

It is weird to rely on your parents to give you lifts home after a piss up.... normally you'd get a taxi/train. the only time I might disturb my parents in that scenario is if there was literally no other way to get home.

Advice etc. Fine and normal

I think it's quite nice. When relationships fuck up, the ability to have a place to go and live and get some tlc is pretty priceless.

You don’t say the sex of DH sibling, but I’m guessing brother?

Just because this reminds me somewhat of my brothers. If mum does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, why wouldn’t they keep going back there?

In my opinion, it’s a sign of bad parenting- mollycoddling/helicopter parenting - this type of parenting doesn’t do the adult child any favours. And it’s a sign of the parents desperate need to be needed.

I’m hoping if my kids need to move back home in their 20s and 30s, that if they expected me to buy their food/cook their meals/do their laundry for them then I’d just laugh at them and tell them to get their shit together.

Allowing your adult child to always have somewhere where they can return and have a roof over their head- yes

Giving your adult child a home where they can slip back into being a child, and don’t even have to lift a finger - no.

My adult ds has recently returned home from abroad having split up with gf. I hope my adult dc know they can stay if they ever need.

I'm 55. I know I could still return to my parents' home if my relationship broke up and I needed somewhere to go.

I think staying at parents as a stop-gap if a live-in relationship has broken down is fine. As long as it's just till they get back on their own feet accommodation wise. Relying on parents to pick up from pub and remember MOT dates is ridiculous though IMO.

Yes I think the way a lot of you explain it here is spot on- providing a roof over their heads when needed but not allowing them to become irresponsible.

Unfortunately, MIL will even set her alarm to get her adult children up for work when they're living there along with doing all their washing, tidying their rooms, cleaning their bedding, cooking for them etc.

I do wonder if part of them repeatedly returning home is because they can't function independently.

It's not your mil's fault your marriage failed. That seems to be where you're going with this?

You've read 2 snippets of text regarding this situation @Northernlurker so you are obviously best qualified to make a judgement on my true agenda here. 🙄

In a nutshell, my marriage failed because my DH wasn't motivated enough to try. My DH gave up easily because he had an easy way out.

Sure, whatever.

Don't post if you don't want to hear people's views. The boars are for discussion and challenge as well as affirmation.

It's obviously an easy option for them , must be like returning to a free hotel .

Do you think he’d have tried harder, or the marriage would have worked, if his parents were not accepting og him returning?

I think it’s lovely and hope my children feel able to rely on me in hard times their whole lives. I went to stay at my mums for a while when my first husband left me, it probably saved my life to be honest,

I think the issue here op is that your DH and siblings still have a “ family home”
I am 54 and completely self sufficient with my own dc, however my parents would welcome me back into my family home in an instance.
Do you think it is perhaps confusing for you because both your parents gave up your family home?
As a single parent I would always have a two bed so that my dc can return ( if they ever bloody leave in the first place)

I will always want my children to know they can come home - wherever that may be. If they are scared, or lonely, or sad or in trouble, they will always have my full support to get things sorted and get them back in their feet. I have always always had this from my parents and that absolute bedrock of support and stability is exactly what has enabled me to be so independent - travel abroad, study away, move far from home etc. I want the same for my kids.

I would never ever ever do everything for anyone capable of doing it themselves though. My DC are prmary age and I don't do everything for them even now!

Did your ex-DH expect you to look after him like his mother does? Get him up in the mornings? Wash, clean, cook, sort out car stuff?
It's one thing returning back to your parents if you need a place to live but surely you return as an adult, not with the capabilities of a small child?

My children always have a home here. Always welcome, no question with open arms, and I'll always make their favourite meals when they arrive and a cup of tea always on tap. However- their washing? Cleaning? Waking up? My children are children and these things are already their own responsibility. At 10 and 12 they haven't got it perfect, but by 16- I'd expect them to have nailed it.

Is it pure coincidence that my ILs grown-up children keep going home? Do you think their parenting is to blame
I think the parents want to make pets of their sons, probably ultimately so they've got someone to care for them in old age? 🤷‍♀️

I think there a fine line. You don’t want to say bye at 18!sell the family home and nice in to a 1 bed cottage with no where for them to ever return.

Equally going over and above like you describe is no way to be either, as it allows them to fall back on and make decisions that they would have otherwise had to think if the consequences first. Instead they can say ‘doesn’t matter, Mam and dad Will look after me’

I think the main point us being missed.

Your DH and his siblings do not have to adult. If things get tough like communicating in their relationships they can run home to mum and dad until the dust settles.

I fully support the concept of having a safe bolt hole with mum and dad. I would be ensuring that my children who came home were actively resolving where possible the difficulties in their relationships.

No, I don’t think their parenting is to blame (for what, I’m not exactly sure?)
I think they sound like extremely solid & dependable parents and DH & his DH are lucky to have them.
Many people have absolutely nobody in this world. It’s a privilege to have a family who genuinely care and love.

I'm in two minds on this. If you always have the security of returning home at a moments notice (I don't mean emergency situations, but welcomed with open arms after any situation). Then you never really have to live with the consequences of any decisions, as they always have that safety net. It's great if you're creative or want the opportunity to try new ventures or new jobs if you know you can return to your parents. But it's also doesn't make you responsible for your actions. I left home at 17 and my mum told me that now I'd left I could never move back. It make me feel shit, but what it did do, was make me responsible for myself and I had to live by my decisions. As it happens I'm fortunate I have a good income, I'm financially secure, but I did very much feel cast out by my dm.

My dc are still teens and I'd not take the tack my dm did, but also not what the op's dp parents either, maybe somewhere in the middle.

I agree with Northern having somewhere to escape to isn't the reason your marriage failed.

So many are trapped in unhealthy and unhappy relationships because they have no where to go so they continue to flog a dead horse as that's their only option.
Having an option does make it easier to leave but I don't believe that's why he left, as divorce is rarely easy.