Adult children keep returning home after failed relationships

[Hoolayhoo]

I'm writing as the wife of one of these adult children. I'm merely reflecting, but...

DH and his sibling, both in their late 30s, have returned home to their parents several times after relationships have failed.

He has very doting parents, who don't discuss any of the issues around why they're home again each time but merely accept them back, with open arms. Meals cooked for them, clothes washed, ticketyboo. I would say that both DH and his sibling have struggled to ever really become independent from their parents, relying on them for regular practical help all their lives through to adulthood. Their parents will even remember when their cars MOTs are, collect them after boozy nights out, give them financial advice and often, financial support.

This is odd, isn't it, that one of them returns home again every couple of years?

When I left home, my parents divorced and bought separate one bedroom flats for themselves so I never had the luxury of going home. I have had to stand on my own two feet and perhaps this is why I've ploughed all my efforts into making my marriage work. DH just seemed to give up and moved back there without much resistance after I suggested separation when all my efforts were met with apathy and resistance.

Is it pure coincidence that my ILs grown-up children keep going home? Do you think their parenting is to blame?

Would you rather your husband had stayed with you because he had nowhere else to go?

I don’t want my adult children coming home, frankly. They’re adults.

So I think it’s a bit weird.

In fairness, you suggested separation. What was your expectation of what would happen next? Or was it a threat you didn't mean to carry through on?

It may not be healthy, but it's not unusual to return to the family home temporarily following a relationship breakdown. Picking adult children up after a night out might be a step too far, but I must say I still prefer that scenario to having parents who divorce when their child reaches 18 and effectively no home to return to thereafter.

Somewhere between the two. Not to set the alarms and do the washing etc, but being there for them, hopefully with room for them, is normal. I think the idea of casting your children out at a certain age, never allowing them to return, never mind what difficulties they may be going through, is terrible. I think it would destroy a family relationship. I wouldn’t really want to be in a relationship with anyone whose parents treated them in such a way. I would be conscious of what damage may have been done. Of course, there are problems if it’s too much the other way too.

Being able to return to your parents’ house isn’t an issue - not being able to have an adult relationship with your parents is.

@paddingtonbearsmarmalade. has hit the nail on the head, IMO. It’s not the living arrangements but the “reverting to a small child” behavior that’s the problem here. Someone in their late 30’s is an adult who can look after themselves.

You don’t mention your IL’s ages, but I get quite irate when I hear of adult children expecting parents in their 70’s or even 80’s to run around after them. Of course, it sounds as if your IL’s are happy to do this until they drop.☹️

Agree with @Cameleongirl exactly.
Somewhere to stay - yes of course
Waited on hand and foot - no. They are grown ups

Very probably this gave your DH unrealistic expectations in your marriage of not having responsibilities

No I don't think your inlaws were responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. If you tell your husband that you want to separate what did you expect him to do? If he hadn't gone home to his parents, he would have gone to friends / b&b / hotel etc. If you wanted to work on your marriage, then suggesting counselling would have been better. You complain that your ex's parent infantilise him but you clearly expected them to treat him like a child and send him home to you.

My DP has just done just that, OP. We've been together many years. Started arguing recently because of various stresses. One little argument and instead of discussing it, he packed a bag and went off to his elderly mum's. She will cook and do everything for him. One of his complaints was the mundanity of the weekly food shop. I guess he's just expecting to eat his mum's food from now on, that she buys and cooks.

I know someone who has gone back again to his parents at the age of 59. He can’t stand his father so I’m not sure why.

He’s online dating and desperate to meet someone he can move in with.

I'd wonder if the parents actually wanted their child to grow up and move out. I think some people really like to feel useful and don't know what to do with themselves when the kids grow up.

When I left home, my parents divorced and bought separate one bedroom flats for themselves so I never had the luxury of going home
My experience was similar. As a result I always tell my kids they will always have a place to come home to with me, no matter what. But I also tell them to travel, see the world and have adventures. I think the key is also to teach them to be independent adults before they leave, so doing their own washing, having responsibilities around the house, keeping track of their own work rota etc.

Op, maybe look at it another way. Your dh was able to go back to his parents as soon as he knew the marriage had failed, rather than the pair of you living in the same house in lockdown, irritating each other and getting more volatile. That's when things can go badly wrong.
Be thankful that you were able to separate before you were at each other's throats.

I’ve always been able to go home to my parents’ house. The difference being that when I’m there I wouldn’t need them to be my alarm clock (?!) or anything else; and I would contribute to the food shop, cook most nights to give them a break, buy flowers, do the things I know they like – eg closing curtains and turning on lamps at dusk while they’re having afternoon nap, etc.

My parents say it’s my home. I’ve always had a key. I want the same for my DD: a safe haven forever, but independence of behaviour.

I understand you OP. I left home at 16 and never went back. It lead to homelessness in my early 20s because God forbid my surviving parent offer me somewhere to stay (I wouldn't have taken it). I've also ended relationships when I've found out partners in their 30s and up still get utilities and such paid by their parents.

I'd think in your/your DH situation the next step after separating would be to find my own place, not to revert to parents home. Yes modern life is expensive, but that's the cost of independence. Your DH and his dB will have a shock when parents are gone, I expect.

Unfortunately, MIL will even set her alarm to get her adult children up for work when they're living there along with doing all their washing, tidying their rooms, cleaning their bedding, cooking for them etc.

That is ridiculous. Our adult children would always be welcome here if they needed a place to stay temporarily. But they wouldn't be treating the place like a hotel. They did their own washing and looked after their own rooms from being teenagers. Wouldn't be their personal wake up service! I would cook family meals but would expect them to take their turn.

@Hoolayhoo

You've read 2 snippets of text regarding this situation *@Northernlurker* so you are obviously best qualified to make a judgement on my true agenda here. 🙄

In a nutshell, my marriage failed because my DH wasn't motivated enough to try. My DH gave up easily because he had an easy way out.

Surely, my marriage failed because my DH wasn't motivated enough to try. My DH gave up easily because he had an easy way out. this is your interpretation and lacking in insightful mess into your own involvement in the breakdown.

Without being harsh, your parents sound the sort that I don't wish to be. My child will always have a home with me if needed whether 18 or 81,as long as I'm alive.

Your parents may not be quite so maternal, but don't go assuming that because his mother is, that this is the cause of the separation.

You need to mature in your outlooks.

@MoreAloneTime

I'd wonder if the parents actually wanted their child to grow up and move out. I think some people really like to feel useful and don't know what to do with themselves when the kids grow up.

My STBXH mother is like this. She hated it when we moved in together and you could see she just didn't know what to do with herself without him to wait on hand and foot.

He's back living with them now and is living his best life with her doing literally everything for him and being able to go to the pub every night with zero responsibility. She's 70 next birthday and I find it all a bit sad really.

Do you think their parenting is to blame?

I think there comes a time in every adults life where they have to take responsibility fir their own actions. In this case, given a choice between 'adulting' and reverting to being teenagers at home.

A focus on your DH's choices rather than deflecting any blame onto his parents would give the best chance for them to own the choice or, realising the disadvantages, make a different choice.

I loved back home with my toddler at the time

Our home is our children’s home whenever they need it. With or without their partner or spouses. Their spouses can arrive without notice if they want/need to as well. That doesn’t prevent them being adults.

Helping people and loving doesn’t need to stop because they are adults. Being supported and loved is likely to improve relationship skills not hinder them. Being forced out to survive isn’t the best way to transition into a secure and confident adulthood.

Your MIL is not the reason your marriage failed; relationships are a two way thing. Why did he not want to try harder? My guess is it’s not related to an alarm clock being set. If we’re upset it’s very easy to blame others but that doesn’t usually allow us to reflect on our own impact on a situation.

@LemonRoses

Our home is our children’s home whenever they need it. With or without their partner or spouses. Their spouses can arrive without notice if they want/need to as well. That doesn’t prevent them being adults.

Helping people and loving doesn’t need to stop because they are adults. Being supported and loved is likely to improve relationship skills not hinder them. Being forced out to survive isn’t the best way to transition into a secure and confident adulthood.

Your MIL is not the reason your marriage failed; relationships are a two way thing. Why did he not want to try harder? My guess is it’s not related to an alarm clock being set. If we’re upset it’s very easy to blame others but that doesn’t usually allow us to reflect on our own impact on a situation.

This.

My job as a parent is to raise functional, responsible adults who can cope with, and make a success of, normal independent adult life. Yes, I would be disappointed if they get to 40 with a bunch of crappy relationships behind them that mean they have to run back to Mum and Dad, and some of that disappointment would probably be a reflection of the fact that I would feel as if I had failed them in some respect. My job is to ensure they never need to come back to their parental home.

That said, if they ever did need to, my door would always be open.

I do agree it's great to have somewhere to come back to. But what my ex-partner has done is decided he doesn't like boring adult activities like paying bills, food shopping and taking it in turns to cook, and has gone back to his elderly mum's so she can provide those things for him. If he was going there to look after her, then fair enough, but he's not. She won't challenge him on the shitty way he has treated me.

I see my job as raising my children to be consequential in their thinking, to choose partners wisely and hopefully have enduring marriages. I want them to contribute positively to society, to be very competent and secure in their abilities. I have no desire for them to live here.
It wouldn’t be some time living in the family home that disappointed me.

I think we will have our eldest and our son-in-law here for a few weeks shortly, as they are moving and want to be elsewhere when the kitchen and bathrooms are replaced. They work long days, so I’m sure I’ll cook for them and we’ll probably turn their washing around. I might put a packed lunch together or sew a button on. I might walk their dog too. None of that stops them being perfectly competent adults.